Here I am lying on the floor, alone and crying. Feeling, relieved. Because today was not going to be a "good hubby" day. It had the making of perhaps a really, really bad "hubby day". So, I collected myself together. Got in the shower to let out the real deep down, sobbing stuff. You guys know what I mean, the sobbing stuff you 'd never ever do in front of anyone in public. But if you don't get it out or your soul.....there is a good chance you'll die. So, into the hotest shower I can stand. While going back and forth between the stuff you do during a prouductive shower and the stuff you do during a "sobbing shower". Things like, croutching down so the echoes aren't quite as loud. Or tutrning up the music louder to act like I'm singing along with the stupid song when the truth is I'm call my hubby every name in the book.
I'm too tired to get any more into this tonight. Suffice it to say on this road of "finding myself", not only is it taking a lot longer than I had expected, but the ups and downs have been much more extreme and unsettling that I had feared.
Anywho, gotta get a good nights sleep. I work open to close tomorrow and I want to give it my best. Want to get up early enough to actually do my make-up, hair and look kind of hot. I may be almost 40 but I'm not dead yet. Why should I live like I am? More to come.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
It's been forever since my last post. I was feeling like things were leveling out. I guess to some extent they are. I just finished reading my spouses blog (for the first time in months). I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed that he never mentions me, his wife. But he goes on and on about his bike, his rides, his stuff that has to do with riding. I get that riding makes him happy. I try to always encourage him to go out and ride.
But all the good stuff that is happening here in the family (Katy, Maddie and Jackson) I guess only is important enough in my eyes to incorporate in my blog. I am the mother so I guess that comes with the job. I am thrilled to have Katy here back home. She is so grown up. She just gets more and more beautiful and smart and I am over the moon to have her here.
This will be short as I'm still contemplating what REALLY matters to my husband. This makes me sad.
My emotions have leveled out, thank goodness. Maddie and I both are in therapy. Kit keeps saying he's going to start. We'll see.
I just am getting to where I feel a weird combination of numbness along with emotional and physical pain. But at the end of the day, I think I'm just about............over it. I love my husband with my whole heart, but his mood swings has become so apparent to me. I guess now that my head is clearer I notice that stuff more.
It's probably my fault, after all I've put him through this year. Sigh................when do you realize that enough is really enough and if you be happy together what is the next move??
But my children, are my world. And atleast the fighting has pretty much stopped in the house and there is a sort of peace in our family. I can deal with that. As long as my children are thriving.
My life, my feelings, my dreams and aspirations are,............well, not on the list of stuff to concern myself with at this point.
But all the good stuff that is happening here in the family (Katy, Maddie and Jackson) I guess only is important enough in my eyes to incorporate in my blog. I am the mother so I guess that comes with the job. I am thrilled to have Katy here back home. She is so grown up. She just gets more and more beautiful and smart and I am over the moon to have her here.
This will be short as I'm still contemplating what REALLY matters to my husband. This makes me sad.
My emotions have leveled out, thank goodness. Maddie and I both are in therapy. Kit keeps saying he's going to start. We'll see.
I just am getting to where I feel a weird combination of numbness along with emotional and physical pain. But at the end of the day, I think I'm just about............over it. I love my husband with my whole heart, but his mood swings has become so apparent to me. I guess now that my head is clearer I notice that stuff more.
It's probably my fault, after all I've put him through this year. Sigh................when do you realize that enough is really enough and if you be happy together what is the next move??
But my children, are my world. And atleast the fighting has pretty much stopped in the house and there is a sort of peace in our family. I can deal with that. As long as my children are thriving.
My life, my feelings, my dreams and aspirations are,............well, not on the list of stuff to concern myself with at this point.
Saturday, April 05, 2008
Tell me I'm actually dreaming and he's not dancing in THAT!!
today started for me (actually I never went to sleep last nigh, don't ask, so yesterday didn't really end yet) with huge thunderstorms and our toddler son proving he does not discriminate in his dishing out the "blow outs". Yes, Kit, I opened up Jackson's door this morning to find him saying "Oh no, Oh no", over and over again. Needless to say, he was marching in something that no one needs to visualize (Let your imaginations run wild folks) certainly not me who was hoping to see Jackson and his diaper on the same side of the crib. But honey, I think I see your "blow out" and raise you a "blow out" with him literally marching in his. So dear husband of mine, I get the adrenaline rush you mentioned when you awoke to a similar situation the other morning. Thank you dear Jack-Jack for the adrenaline rush and that morning bath for both of us. I only needed half as much coffee as I would've needed had you actually kept your diaper on. So tonight when I put my little one down for bed he will have something new that every little man will no doubt come familiar with.............................duck tape. Quack, Quack!!! If I walk in to any thing like that again tomorrow, it's time to whip out the super glue. Yikes!!!!
Hope that give you a giggle Kit. I apologize for any poor soul who reads my blog and accidentally stumbles on way too much info.
Hope that give you a giggle Kit. I apologize for any poor soul who reads my blog and accidentally stumbles on way too much info.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Got up this am in a good mood ready to attack my new way of thinking and have a good day.Espescially since this is our last day together as a family for a week. Kit leaves to go out of town this weekend for a week.
I came out of the bedroom with lots of good info from the social worker who I had just gotten off the phone with and Kit was so cold, so stand off ish and just mean. I ended up in tears and went back to my room. It hurt so much and I realized, this is going to be a long road, but I'm not going to give up. He doesn't understand how I can expect him to just change overnight and be like "oh ok, everything is cool between Chris and I now". I'm not expecting that, I was just expecting that if I treated him with kindness and openess that he would do the same with me. Not the way it goes.
I love him so much I'll keep trying. I love my kids, so I'll keep trying. But today, my heart is hurting really badly.
I'm not an awful person. I just have to keep telling myself and find people in my life who agree. i will continue to let :"Jesus take the wheel" and surrender to both the Lord and to Kit. The belittleling and criticizing and awful way I treat Kit has to stop nnow and I'll just keep loving him the way he deserves to be loves as I grow in my love of the Lord. I'll get there. I'm sure really sad right now.
I came out of the bedroom with lots of good info from the social worker who I had just gotten off the phone with and Kit was so cold, so stand off ish and just mean. I ended up in tears and went back to my room. It hurt so much and I realized, this is going to be a long road, but I'm not going to give up. He doesn't understand how I can expect him to just change overnight and be like "oh ok, everything is cool between Chris and I now". I'm not expecting that, I was just expecting that if I treated him with kindness and openess that he would do the same with me. Not the way it goes.
I love him so much I'll keep trying. I love my kids, so I'll keep trying. But today, my heart is hurting really badly.
I'm not an awful person. I just have to keep telling myself and find people in my life who agree. i will continue to let :"Jesus take the wheel" and surrender to both the Lord and to Kit. The belittleling and criticizing and awful way I treat Kit has to stop nnow and I'll just keep loving him the way he deserves to be loves as I grow in my love of the Lord. I'll get there. I'm sure really sad right now.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Stinkin thinkin
Who am I? I know the first things that come to mind when I ask myself that question, but it's stuff that I do, not WHO I am. I always thought by the time I got to the age I'm at now, that I'd have myself and the world figured out.
I knew from the time I was a little girl that I wanted to be a wife and mother. I didn't expect that I wouldn't be fantastic at it. Not that I'm the world's worst mom, I'm just and ok mom. I'm actually a really rotten wife.
But this post isn't about putting myself down. I've got that negative thought process down to a t tee. It's about figuring out how to change my thinking patterns, it's about finding the me deep down inside (I know that is there), and finding the courage to let her out. Man, I know I'd be so much more fulfilled and hopefully find happiness.
I don't want to be so controlling anymore. I want to "let go" and GOD.. Cheezy but true. I want to be more concerned about peace, harmony, love and fun (yes definitely) in our family more than I want to be right.
There is a lot of work to do but with God all things are truly possible. I know I'm trying to break out of this huge depression. But tonight, I feel...........hope. Such a wonderful feeling.
I know and I am ready to start taking care of me so that I can be better to take care of my family.
Things like taking vitamins and eating good for me foods.
drinking lots of water. I'm horrible at that. I never stay hydrated and now it's so important.
I have to find a way some how atleast 4-5 days a week to get cardio in. It makes me feel so much better once I get going.
I want to feel good about the way I look, not embarrassed. I want to tone up, get healthy and let those lovely exercise endophins bring out the real Chris.
I love. I truly love. The deep down, would die for someone love. Like my family of course. I love to laugh and tell funny stories. I used to like to dance in the rain and do crazy things. Now, I know I'm an adult now and I shouldn't act too much like a lunatic if I want to stay out of the psych ward.
Here is the really sad part. I don't know if my children, husband, friends, etc....know how much I love them and how important they are to me.
I've let bitterness, my need to control (because of my fear of trusting) overtake all my good feelings. I have a lot of positive qualities to add to my family, friends and church. The Lord has a plan for my life and I'm ready to start living how he wants me to live.
I watch Kit when he sleeps sometimes and I think about how much I just want to crawl up into his arms and tell him how much I appreciate and love him and how I am determined to find the Chris he fell in love with. Of course I won't be exactly the same. But my family deserves so much more, so much more fun and a lot less fear from.
I'm going to continue with counseling and working on my relationship with the Lord and see which way he points me. I need his help in biting my tongue when I start to criticize or say something or do something hurtful towards anyone.
I have gotten so afraid of vulnerability, abandonment and other stuff that I push people away. This is stupid. People will come and go in my life. It's life. Hopefully, if I just start digging and working on myself, and let go..........people will see that underneath all that pain and my awful way of treating people, there is a good woman. A woman who has passions and talents and has the capability to LOVE. I know this will take a while. Mostly for others to believe I'm really working on seriously changing.
I love Kit so very much. I want us to have peace and harmony and just find a friendship between us somewhere. I don't want us to be afraid of eachother anymore.
I start tonight with my thoughts and this will be a constant ongoing battle and I ask for any prayers of anyone that may have read this. When some negative comment jumps into my head, I immediately replace it with a positive one. I look forward everyday to Kit coming home, and then once he walks through the door you know what I do. I put my walls up and I give him a cool reception. When inside I'm screaming, "just hug him Chris". Tell him the truth that you missed him during the day and show my happiness at having him home.
I know real happiness is out there and I'm finally realizing that it isn't just changing myself to please Kit. Because first of all, thats not what he wants. He wants me to truly find happiness no matter what that may mean. But I have made excuses for so long for why I don't dust those old talents and passions of mine and put them to use somehow. I'll pray about it and see if maybe the Lord can use me in those ways. If that is not his will then I just pray that he shows me which way he wants me to go.
I had secretly been working on a children's play and I had forgotten how much I loved writing and of course how much I love both directing and acting. I LOVED doing weekly acting /improv workshops with high school kids at a large church Kit and I belonged to and I know I've probably mentioned it before. I was so proud of that. And doing that made me beyond happy. The way the Lord showed me to use performing arts to lead teens to the Lord and how he led me closer to him in the process was incredible.
Like I said, I know the Lord has big plans for my life. The life I"m living and the way I'm living it now is not in his plan. I pray that he will guide me and continue to draw me to him and his word.
First baby step is the stinkin thinkin. Then, I'll slowly but persistantly add the changes as the Lord guides me through. Thank you Lord Jesus for being in my life and bringing to my attention so clearly, that just because I have Lupus, I AM NOT LUPUS!! I am Chris. Look out world I can't wait for you to meet the real me.
I knew from the time I was a little girl that I wanted to be a wife and mother. I didn't expect that I wouldn't be fantastic at it. Not that I'm the world's worst mom, I'm just and ok mom. I'm actually a really rotten wife.
But this post isn't about putting myself down. I've got that negative thought process down to a t tee. It's about figuring out how to change my thinking patterns, it's about finding the me deep down inside (I know that is there), and finding the courage to let her out. Man, I know I'd be so much more fulfilled and hopefully find happiness.
I don't want to be so controlling anymore. I want to "let go" and GOD.. Cheezy but true. I want to be more concerned about peace, harmony, love and fun (yes definitely) in our family more than I want to be right.
There is a lot of work to do but with God all things are truly possible. I know I'm trying to break out of this huge depression. But tonight, I feel...........hope. Such a wonderful feeling.
I know and I am ready to start taking care of me so that I can be better to take care of my family.
Things like taking vitamins and eating good for me foods.
drinking lots of water. I'm horrible at that. I never stay hydrated and now it's so important.
I have to find a way some how atleast 4-5 days a week to get cardio in. It makes me feel so much better once I get going.
I want to feel good about the way I look, not embarrassed. I want to tone up, get healthy and let those lovely exercise endophins bring out the real Chris.
I love. I truly love. The deep down, would die for someone love. Like my family of course. I love to laugh and tell funny stories. I used to like to dance in the rain and do crazy things. Now, I know I'm an adult now and I shouldn't act too much like a lunatic if I want to stay out of the psych ward.
Here is the really sad part. I don't know if my children, husband, friends, etc....know how much I love them and how important they are to me.
I've let bitterness, my need to control (because of my fear of trusting) overtake all my good feelings. I have a lot of positive qualities to add to my family, friends and church. The Lord has a plan for my life and I'm ready to start living how he wants me to live.
I watch Kit when he sleeps sometimes and I think about how much I just want to crawl up into his arms and tell him how much I appreciate and love him and how I am determined to find the Chris he fell in love with. Of course I won't be exactly the same. But my family deserves so much more, so much more fun and a lot less fear from.
I'm going to continue with counseling and working on my relationship with the Lord and see which way he points me. I need his help in biting my tongue when I start to criticize or say something or do something hurtful towards anyone.
I have gotten so afraid of vulnerability, abandonment and other stuff that I push people away. This is stupid. People will come and go in my life. It's life. Hopefully, if I just start digging and working on myself, and let go..........people will see that underneath all that pain and my awful way of treating people, there is a good woman. A woman who has passions and talents and has the capability to LOVE. I know this will take a while. Mostly for others to believe I'm really working on seriously changing.
I love Kit so very much. I want us to have peace and harmony and just find a friendship between us somewhere. I don't want us to be afraid of eachother anymore.
I start tonight with my thoughts and this will be a constant ongoing battle and I ask for any prayers of anyone that may have read this. When some negative comment jumps into my head, I immediately replace it with a positive one. I look forward everyday to Kit coming home, and then once he walks through the door you know what I do. I put my walls up and I give him a cool reception. When inside I'm screaming, "just hug him Chris". Tell him the truth that you missed him during the day and show my happiness at having him home.
I know real happiness is out there and I'm finally realizing that it isn't just changing myself to please Kit. Because first of all, thats not what he wants. He wants me to truly find happiness no matter what that may mean. But I have made excuses for so long for why I don't dust those old talents and passions of mine and put them to use somehow. I'll pray about it and see if maybe the Lord can use me in those ways. If that is not his will then I just pray that he shows me which way he wants me to go.
I had secretly been working on a children's play and I had forgotten how much I loved writing and of course how much I love both directing and acting. I LOVED doing weekly acting /improv workshops with high school kids at a large church Kit and I belonged to and I know I've probably mentioned it before. I was so proud of that. And doing that made me beyond happy. The way the Lord showed me to use performing arts to lead teens to the Lord and how he led me closer to him in the process was incredible.
Like I said, I know the Lord has big plans for my life. The life I"m living and the way I'm living it now is not in his plan. I pray that he will guide me and continue to draw me to him and his word.
First baby step is the stinkin thinkin. Then, I'll slowly but persistantly add the changes as the Lord guides me through. Thank you Lord Jesus for being in my life and bringing to my attention so clearly, that just because I have Lupus, I AM NOT LUPUS!! I am Chris. Look out world I can't wait for you to meet the real me.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Tough day.
Today has gotten worse. Kit and I had a good week. I actually was pushed (practically) out the door on both Kit's day's off to go do "family stuff". Once I got out, I felt human. Like the old Chris. It's just getting out that is the hard part.
I'm always afraid I'm going to embarrass myself by saying something stupid or Lord forbid, having a seizure in front of someone.
I felt embarrassed that the night the paramedics took me out of my home into the ambulance, I looked over and saw Pastor Andy and Steve standing there. I hate for people to see me like that.
So, anyway, my pain is about an 11 on a 1-10 and I'm exhausted. Just a way of life for me. Unfortunately, I feel like I'm not handling my disease and all that goes with it very poorly.
I feel beyond depressed. I feel almost hopeless and worst of all, I've lost faith.
I'm left all day with the kids while Kit has to go to work and I used to be able to handle all that no problem. But since the seizures (which have stopped) since a new medication, I think my brain has suffered some serious problems.
I don't want to be a mom right now. I don't want to be a wife right now. I feel worthless and I don't know how much more I can take.
I've made an appt. with a therapist I used to see, for this Wednesday and hopefully she can start a course of direction for me. Because I just can not live like this.
My only identity is as a mom and wife. I used to be such a great actress, dancer and I was told I was the best motivational/acting workshop leader that our old Pastor had ever seen. But those days are gone and now my only responsibility is to take care of the kids and be a "wife". I have nothing in my life that is for me and I'm way beyond resenting that fact. It just is the way it is.
Oh well, things can only get better.
I'll hang in the best I can
I'm always afraid I'm going to embarrass myself by saying something stupid or Lord forbid, having a seizure in front of someone.
I felt embarrassed that the night the paramedics took me out of my home into the ambulance, I looked over and saw Pastor Andy and Steve standing there. I hate for people to see me like that.
So, anyway, my pain is about an 11 on a 1-10 and I'm exhausted. Just a way of life for me. Unfortunately, I feel like I'm not handling my disease and all that goes with it very poorly.
I feel beyond depressed. I feel almost hopeless and worst of all, I've lost faith.
I'm left all day with the kids while Kit has to go to work and I used to be able to handle all that no problem. But since the seizures (which have stopped) since a new medication, I think my brain has suffered some serious problems.
I don't want to be a mom right now. I don't want to be a wife right now. I feel worthless and I don't know how much more I can take.
I've made an appt. with a therapist I used to see, for this Wednesday and hopefully she can start a course of direction for me. Because I just can not live like this.
My only identity is as a mom and wife. I used to be such a great actress, dancer and I was told I was the best motivational/acting workshop leader that our old Pastor had ever seen. But those days are gone and now my only responsibility is to take care of the kids and be a "wife". I have nothing in my life that is for me and I'm way beyond resenting that fact. It just is the way it is.
Oh well, things can only get better.
I'll hang in the best I can
Saturday, January 12, 2008
selfish
I've taken the time today to catch up on Nate and Trisha's blog and Pastor Rick's too. Even though Trisha is on a ventilator and sedated, Nate is doing an amazing job of communicating with whoever hits his blog. Baby Gweneth ( I hope I spelled that right)Rose was taken by C-sect. a couple days ago and is the nurses say she is doing amazingly well, considering she wasn't quite 25 weeks yet. She is a miracle baby and seeing how strong Nate's faith is in his communication by blog strikes another negative chord in me.
I can't find anything (not one single thing) that I feel good about myself for. I'm consumed by my disease and pushing everyone I love away. I'm sick of being sick and tired and when lupus came into my life,. it changed me. I had hoped at different points that the changes would be for the better. But today, and for months and maybe longer, I've had to come to this place that I am at now.
I'm a selfish, taker who most of the time only thinks about myself. I have no motivation to live at this point. I truly believe my kids, husband and anyone else who thinks they care about me would be better off without the draining I cause in their lives. I guess the good thing is, I'm afraid to die. Ironic. Afraid to live, afraid to die. Bit of a problem there.
I read Nate's blog and it makes me hate myself even more, if possible. How can someone have that kind of faith in a time like the one he is going through?? Why can't I find that faith. Why have I just gotten more bitter and angry and hateful? I hate what I've become. I know I'm in a deep, deep depression. I feel like I'm falling down a bottomless dark hole and nothing can save me.
I literally go to sleep and pray that I won't wake up. There must be some mistake. I have not purpose here. God must've overestimated me. I'm exhausted and in pain and I don't want to do this for one single more day.
I can't find anything (not one single thing) that I feel good about myself for. I'm consumed by my disease and pushing everyone I love away. I'm sick of being sick and tired and when lupus came into my life,. it changed me. I had hoped at different points that the changes would be for the better. But today, and for months and maybe longer, I've had to come to this place that I am at now.
I'm a selfish, taker who most of the time only thinks about myself. I have no motivation to live at this point. I truly believe my kids, husband and anyone else who thinks they care about me would be better off without the draining I cause in their lives. I guess the good thing is, I'm afraid to die. Ironic. Afraid to live, afraid to die. Bit of a problem there.
I read Nate's blog and it makes me hate myself even more, if possible. How can someone have that kind of faith in a time like the one he is going through?? Why can't I find that faith. Why have I just gotten more bitter and angry and hateful? I hate what I've become. I know I'm in a deep, deep depression. I feel like I'm falling down a bottomless dark hole and nothing can save me.
I literally go to sleep and pray that I won't wake up. There must be some mistake. I have not purpose here. God must've overestimated me. I'm exhausted and in pain and I don't want to do this for one single more day.
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
I can not take much more. I woke up this morning with kit making me a deal he would call me at 6:30 am so I could get up maddie and get her off to school. It's unusual that all is quiet at 6am here in the ams. But today it was and I was exhuasted and in much need of another half hr. of sleep. Kit forgot to call me to wake me till 7 am. Maddie's bus comes at 7 :15 am. I ran down stairs to get up Maddie and rush her off to school when I discovered shad a 102 degree temp. So, again she is sick and has to stay home from school. Maddie is usually very healthy and never misses school but she's missing lots this year and she is struggling so much with her 3rd grade curriculum. I'm afraid she'll get held back and I am failing her too. UGh.
Within realizing Maddie had a temp, it was within moments that she vomited and at the same time as all this, the dog is screaching and barking. I've had it with that dog and I would pay someone to take him away and give him a good home. I can't keep up with my kids, my disease, my husband, my home my life.....etc....... I am overwhelmed and exhausted everyday. I can not take much more of this.
While I juggled my vomiting daughter, screaching dog, and 22 month old son covered in oif pee and poop from his over night diaper, I find myself on the floor and within seconds I am in the midst of a seizure. I am failing everyone I love and I can't take it much longer. I need help. I would cry happy tears if I could just have a litttle help somewhere here.
I feel like I have NO one to call and ask for help. My kids are paying the price for that and I am left on a daily basis with the fear of seizing, and choking on my own vomit and dying in front of my children on my kitchen floor. I'm too tired to think straight and in to much pain to put on an act.
I know this week I have to put on a good act . Kit's got to get this job . I have to keep my mouth shut. I'm still furious with the way he blew me off yesterday and the day before (my only rest days) and I can't \help but equate that with how not seriously he takes my disease and the importance of what both I tell him and the doctors tell him about me needing to rest. He just expects me to not only keep going, till I end up in the er, plus I';m supposed to shower, make up and make myself look nice for him too. You know what I feel like saying to that???????? I can barely get out of bed and he is upset that I'm not attractive enough for him.
well, I tried last night making myself more "attractive" for his sake and tried to connect with him on a physical level. WSell, I hope he got what he wanted. I am in pain and even more exhausted than I was before. I just want to be loved and this conditional stuff is bull shit. I'm over it.
I'm not well enough to leave. But, I feel unloved and unwanted and I have not idea how I"m safely going to get through the day with the children. But, hell, thats my problem. I just want to die, I can't even take care of my kids safely. I'm in horrible pain, exhuastion and I just would've been so much better off if i had had atleast one of the two days promised me to rest. I just don't matter, not a priority. Obviously, otherwise, things would've gone differently.
I think that the continued taken for granted Kit does with me is causing me to fall out of love with him. How can you love someone who even though he knows you can seize at any point with your kids and basically die in front of them, it'a hard to love someone who ignores you and promises you things he knows aren't deliverable.
I must return to my sick kids and try to remain conscious, I am scared and unsure of how this day will work out. I'm tired of having to deal with the kids and my disease and all the home stuff alone. be it would be best if I died today. I can't feel any emore.motions that are making me want to fight anymre. I'm nothing. I'm left to figure it out myelf and I'm tired of failing as a mother and a wife.
Please, Lord, let it stop somehow. Let there be an answer I haven't thought of yet. Please help[ me somehow.
Within realizing Maddie had a temp, it was within moments that she vomited and at the same time as all this, the dog is screaching and barking. I've had it with that dog and I would pay someone to take him away and give him a good home. I can't keep up with my kids, my disease, my husband, my home my life.....etc....... I am overwhelmed and exhausted everyday. I can not take much more of this.
While I juggled my vomiting daughter, screaching dog, and 22 month old son covered in oif pee and poop from his over night diaper, I find myself on the floor and within seconds I am in the midst of a seizure. I am failing everyone I love and I can't take it much longer. I need help. I would cry happy tears if I could just have a litttle help somewhere here.
I feel like I have NO one to call and ask for help. My kids are paying the price for that and I am left on a daily basis with the fear of seizing, and choking on my own vomit and dying in front of my children on my kitchen floor. I'm too tired to think straight and in to much pain to put on an act.
I know this week I have to put on a good act . Kit's got to get this job . I have to keep my mouth shut. I'm still furious with the way he blew me off yesterday and the day before (my only rest days) and I can't \help but equate that with how not seriously he takes my disease and the importance of what both I tell him and the doctors tell him about me needing to rest. He just expects me to not only keep going, till I end up in the er, plus I';m supposed to shower, make up and make myself look nice for him too. You know what I feel like saying to that???????? I can barely get out of bed and he is upset that I'm not attractive enough for him.
well, I tried last night making myself more "attractive" for his sake and tried to connect with him on a physical level. WSell, I hope he got what he wanted. I am in pain and even more exhausted than I was before. I just want to be loved and this conditional stuff is bull shit. I'm over it.
I'm not well enough to leave. But, I feel unloved and unwanted and I have not idea how I"m safely going to get through the day with the children. But, hell, thats my problem. I just want to die, I can't even take care of my kids safely. I'm in horrible pain, exhuastion and I just would've been so much better off if i had had atleast one of the two days promised me to rest. I just don't matter, not a priority. Obviously, otherwise, things would've gone differently.
I think that the continued taken for granted Kit does with me is causing me to fall out of love with him. How can you love someone who even though he knows you can seize at any point with your kids and basically die in front of them, it'a hard to love someone who ignores you and promises you things he knows aren't deliverable.
I must return to my sick kids and try to remain conscious, I am scared and unsure of how this day will work out. I'm tired of having to deal with the kids and my disease and all the home stuff alone. be it would be best if I died today. I can't feel any emore.motions that are making me want to fight anymre. I'm nothing. I'm left to figure it out myelf and I'm tired of failing as a mother and a wife.
Please, Lord, let it stop somehow. Let there be an answer I haven't thought of yet. Please help[ me somehow.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Letting go of letting others dictate my emotions and my moods.
Today I'm feeling better. I did lots of housework yesterday and so I was tired and achy today. But thanks to Kate, I got to rest all afternoon and now I feel much better.
Kate deleted her old myspace page. Now she has a new one with nothing but My Chemical Romance stuff on it. She has no mention of her family or friends on the new page and has not included any pix of either of those things on her new page either. Oh well. I guess the lack of important priorities comes with the age. Atleast, I hope that is all it is. For the most part, Kate has been awesome. She is a huge help and her attitude has been really good around here. She adores her little bro and is sooo good with him. She does everything I ask of her and she even seems to be tolerating Maddie better than usual.
The last few days have been much better with Kit. But, when I got up this am, the dynamic had switched back to mildly uncomfortable and it seemed Kit had closed me off again. I get so exhausted trying to anticipate and keep up with his moods. When he is open and interested in speaking with me, things feel so much better around here. But then he clams up and I feel so reactive. I get sick inside. He has a habbit of closing off to me, when it's my fault and even when it's not. So, I have no way of telling if it's my fault or not. Either way it hurts and I'm so tired of it.
Just when I start to feel comfortable and secure.....................the bottom falls out. I texted him, but of course, he didn't respond. He manages to respond when he is in a good place. Otherwise, he doesn't hesitate to ignore me. It hurts my feelings and I am sick of my happiness being so dependent on whether Kit is in a good mood or not.
I try to encourage him to ride his bike. It makes him happy and a lot less stressed to be around. I try to help out and do my part around here. Especially lately, I've really been trying. I just feel so worn out, used up and old.
I want so badly to feel pretty, valuable and worth something to someone. The kids love me. That is awesome. But right now, I just want to go get a restaurant job. Kit has made it clear to me that KG is not an option for me. He says Pam wouldn't take me back. Guess he thinks I really am a rotten server. But whatever, I was a server and bartender way before MR. restaurant know-it-all was in my life and I managed quite well. Thank you very much. I think he just doesn't want me at KG for his own personal reasons. But whatever, I'll find a better job somewhere else. Maybe a bartending gig later at night. Somewhere where my personality can make money for me. Somewhere where I don't feel ugly and unimportant and failing all the time. Kit thinks I can't do anything. I guess I've given him plenty of reason to think that. But I'm ready to do well again for myself. I'll make money so that we can have some sort of quality of life. i will find a way to be a hero for my kids and help us to have breathing room. Someone in this family has to do it. I'd like for it to be me.
I look in the mirror when I put my make-up on (what little 4 yr old stuff I have left) and put on whatever decent clothes I can find (I have nothing that fits and isn't years old) but when I try, I am a slightly attractive woman. I have a good personality. For so long, I've thought I'm used up and ugly. I took pity on Kit for having to be married to me. Well, it seems, I feel better about myself when I go out around strangers and people think I'm interesting, fun, funny, smart and cute. I never feel those feelings at home. I feel ignored and when the good days come, I get so excited and happy. Maybe this time things will stay like this for a while. Ya know, where I can actually be myself with Kit. Let my guard down and be flirty and cute and have fun in my own family. But it seems, always, it's only a matter of time, until Kit returns to his closed off, emotionally gone self. It still hurts everytime. You'd think I'd be used to it by now.
I know I have problems. I'm really working on those. I continue to try to get better and be the best wife and mom I can be. It's never enough to keep Kit open to me emotionally for any extended time. I'll keep trying though.
But, I'm not just a wife and a mom. I'm not just a lupus patient. There is a me in here. Someone who wants and deserves a life outside of just being here to make it possible for Kit to follow his career path and his cycling dreams. I used to have dreams too. I used to have friends. I want those things again. I matter. I matter to myself and I just have to find myself again. It just seems that whatever I want for myself is not realistic because whatever Kit wants and needs comes first.
Except for anything related to my sickness. That Kit works around the best he can. I'm pretty sure he hates me for it. It's not exactly like when I"m crying by myself in bed due to the physical and emotional pain, he holds me in his arms. Hell, I'm lucky if he looks me in the eye during those times. I sit by myself and I feel isolated and alone. I've done that all along and it makes me angry. He says he's not mad at me. That he knows it's not my fault. Maybe his brain should communicate that with his body language. I feel like he thinks I'm good for nothing.
I'm going to get a job that pays well. I'm going to make enough money to catch up our bills and take the kids to Busch Gardens. I'm sick of sitting around this house all the time waiting on Kit. My life is flying by and I've waisted 10 years being sick and depressed. Kit's opinion isn't the only opinion out there.
I"m going to refocus on the Lord. Get straight with my faith. I'm going to spend more quality time with my kids. I've finally got the house on it's way to being clean and livable. I'm going to stop turning down opportunities to go hang out with friends and make that a priority too. Kit doesn't want to date me or spend time with me. OK, that doesn't have to mean my life stops. Maybe if I get the right job, I'll find a social outlet with that too.
My life isn't over yet and if I keep living the way I"m living, it's going to be over like that. With no good memories at all.
I got to catch up on some rest this afternoon while Kate watched her bro and sister. I didn't overdo my meds. I"ve been really careful not to do that this time and yet, I"m feeling like Kit is mad at me and probably assuming that I took to many meds today so I could sleep the day away. Which is actually completely out of the realm of truth this time.
I feel good mentally and I'm not depressed and I don't need to escape. I've had two good conversations with my mom in the past two days and I feel much better physically since I've adjusted my pain medications. I just need to moderate my physical exertion sometimes. After the housework yesterday, I needed to rest today. Why, do I feel like I have to plead my case for resting today???
Oh well, I'm just so tired of not knowing if I can snuggle up to Kit and be myself with him or if I need to give him space and have my defenses up. Sometimes, I just wish I was married to a man that loved me as much as I love him. That he saw good qualities in me. I don't think Kit sees any good in me anymore. He said out loud that he sees me as a whiner and complainer. I guess he's right to a certain extent. but there is so much more to me. I used to have talents. I loved to have fun. There is almost zero fun in my life. Ya don't have to spend money to have fun. But, we don't joke around together, play games as a family, do stupid fun stuff together. I wake up in a good mood and within 2 minutes of being around Kit, if he's not in a good mood, I let my mood be ruined. I know thats my fault. I need to get to where it doesn't affect me.
Everything is so routine. Even the inconsistant mood auras around here are routine. The push pull thing is routine. The sex is routine. I want to feel pretty, and sexy and I want to live life much, much fuller. I"m ready for some changes.
I'm not ready to throw in the towel on myself. I'm ready to get my body in shape, get my attitude in shape. I'm ready to balance my days better and moderate to work with my disease instead of against it. I'm ready to get a new job, meet new people and contribute to our family so that our life is more than sitting around the house, day in and day out while the kids watch T.V. and play on the PC. I want to go places and see things.
Kate deleted her old myspace page. Now she has a new one with nothing but My Chemical Romance stuff on it. She has no mention of her family or friends on the new page and has not included any pix of either of those things on her new page either. Oh well. I guess the lack of important priorities comes with the age. Atleast, I hope that is all it is. For the most part, Kate has been awesome. She is a huge help and her attitude has been really good around here. She adores her little bro and is sooo good with him. She does everything I ask of her and she even seems to be tolerating Maddie better than usual.
The last few days have been much better with Kit. But, when I got up this am, the dynamic had switched back to mildly uncomfortable and it seemed Kit had closed me off again. I get so exhausted trying to anticipate and keep up with his moods. When he is open and interested in speaking with me, things feel so much better around here. But then he clams up and I feel so reactive. I get sick inside. He has a habbit of closing off to me, when it's my fault and even when it's not. So, I have no way of telling if it's my fault or not. Either way it hurts and I'm so tired of it.
Just when I start to feel comfortable and secure.....................the bottom falls out. I texted him, but of course, he didn't respond. He manages to respond when he is in a good place. Otherwise, he doesn't hesitate to ignore me. It hurts my feelings and I am sick of my happiness being so dependent on whether Kit is in a good mood or not.
I try to encourage him to ride his bike. It makes him happy and a lot less stressed to be around. I try to help out and do my part around here. Especially lately, I've really been trying. I just feel so worn out, used up and old.
I want so badly to feel pretty, valuable and worth something to someone. The kids love me. That is awesome. But right now, I just want to go get a restaurant job. Kit has made it clear to me that KG is not an option for me. He says Pam wouldn't take me back. Guess he thinks I really am a rotten server. But whatever, I was a server and bartender way before MR. restaurant know-it-all was in my life and I managed quite well. Thank you very much. I think he just doesn't want me at KG for his own personal reasons. But whatever, I'll find a better job somewhere else. Maybe a bartending gig later at night. Somewhere where my personality can make money for me. Somewhere where I don't feel ugly and unimportant and failing all the time. Kit thinks I can't do anything. I guess I've given him plenty of reason to think that. But I'm ready to do well again for myself. I'll make money so that we can have some sort of quality of life. i will find a way to be a hero for my kids and help us to have breathing room. Someone in this family has to do it. I'd like for it to be me.
I look in the mirror when I put my make-up on (what little 4 yr old stuff I have left) and put on whatever decent clothes I can find (I have nothing that fits and isn't years old) but when I try, I am a slightly attractive woman. I have a good personality. For so long, I've thought I'm used up and ugly. I took pity on Kit for having to be married to me. Well, it seems, I feel better about myself when I go out around strangers and people think I'm interesting, fun, funny, smart and cute. I never feel those feelings at home. I feel ignored and when the good days come, I get so excited and happy. Maybe this time things will stay like this for a while. Ya know, where I can actually be myself with Kit. Let my guard down and be flirty and cute and have fun in my own family. But it seems, always, it's only a matter of time, until Kit returns to his closed off, emotionally gone self. It still hurts everytime. You'd think I'd be used to it by now.
I know I have problems. I'm really working on those. I continue to try to get better and be the best wife and mom I can be. It's never enough to keep Kit open to me emotionally for any extended time. I'll keep trying though.
But, I'm not just a wife and a mom. I'm not just a lupus patient. There is a me in here. Someone who wants and deserves a life outside of just being here to make it possible for Kit to follow his career path and his cycling dreams. I used to have dreams too. I used to have friends. I want those things again. I matter. I matter to myself and I just have to find myself again. It just seems that whatever I want for myself is not realistic because whatever Kit wants and needs comes first.
Except for anything related to my sickness. That Kit works around the best he can. I'm pretty sure he hates me for it. It's not exactly like when I"m crying by myself in bed due to the physical and emotional pain, he holds me in his arms. Hell, I'm lucky if he looks me in the eye during those times. I sit by myself and I feel isolated and alone. I've done that all along and it makes me angry. He says he's not mad at me. That he knows it's not my fault. Maybe his brain should communicate that with his body language. I feel like he thinks I'm good for nothing.
I'm going to get a job that pays well. I'm going to make enough money to catch up our bills and take the kids to Busch Gardens. I'm sick of sitting around this house all the time waiting on Kit. My life is flying by and I've waisted 10 years being sick and depressed. Kit's opinion isn't the only opinion out there.
I"m going to refocus on the Lord. Get straight with my faith. I'm going to spend more quality time with my kids. I've finally got the house on it's way to being clean and livable. I'm going to stop turning down opportunities to go hang out with friends and make that a priority too. Kit doesn't want to date me or spend time with me. OK, that doesn't have to mean my life stops. Maybe if I get the right job, I'll find a social outlet with that too.
My life isn't over yet and if I keep living the way I"m living, it's going to be over like that. With no good memories at all.
I got to catch up on some rest this afternoon while Kate watched her bro and sister. I didn't overdo my meds. I"ve been really careful not to do that this time and yet, I"m feeling like Kit is mad at me and probably assuming that I took to many meds today so I could sleep the day away. Which is actually completely out of the realm of truth this time.
I feel good mentally and I'm not depressed and I don't need to escape. I've had two good conversations with my mom in the past two days and I feel much better physically since I've adjusted my pain medications. I just need to moderate my physical exertion sometimes. After the housework yesterday, I needed to rest today. Why, do I feel like I have to plead my case for resting today???
Oh well, I'm just so tired of not knowing if I can snuggle up to Kit and be myself with him or if I need to give him space and have my defenses up. Sometimes, I just wish I was married to a man that loved me as much as I love him. That he saw good qualities in me. I don't think Kit sees any good in me anymore. He said out loud that he sees me as a whiner and complainer. I guess he's right to a certain extent. but there is so much more to me. I used to have talents. I loved to have fun. There is almost zero fun in my life. Ya don't have to spend money to have fun. But, we don't joke around together, play games as a family, do stupid fun stuff together. I wake up in a good mood and within 2 minutes of being around Kit, if he's not in a good mood, I let my mood be ruined. I know thats my fault. I need to get to where it doesn't affect me.
Everything is so routine. Even the inconsistant mood auras around here are routine. The push pull thing is routine. The sex is routine. I want to feel pretty, and sexy and I want to live life much, much fuller. I"m ready for some changes.
I'm not ready to throw in the towel on myself. I'm ready to get my body in shape, get my attitude in shape. I'm ready to balance my days better and moderate to work with my disease instead of against it. I'm ready to get a new job, meet new people and contribute to our family so that our life is more than sitting around the house, day in and day out while the kids watch T.V. and play on the PC. I want to go places and see things.
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
Weakness and pain
I'm struggling. Today I wish I could just walk away from everyone and everything that is "my life". I suck as a mother and a wife and most days I just wish I knew for sure what was on the other side. I miss my dad and I miss my dog (stupid I know, but true) and if I knew that dying would for sure mean some form of peace and not hell, I'd make it happen in a second. I've threatened and cried and still no one hears me. There is no help, no hope for me and my life. I just want it to be over. But I'm too much of a coward to even make that happen.
I've got to meet up with "the girls" for a night out tomorrow night for what is the fist time out in probably 3 yrs. for me without Kit. I don't even want to go. I want to go to sleep and never wake up. I'm exhausted no matter how much I sleep and I am in a huge amount of physical pain.
I don't want to be a mother anymore, I don't want to be married anymore. I want it all to end. Please God make it all go away. Let me close my eyes for the last time tonight. I can't take another day. Not one more day. Our money situation has been exhausted and my parents probably see me exactly as I am..............................a failure.
Such a waste. I just wish there was a way to make all this hopelessness and pain go away.
If I woke up tomorrow and Kit and the kids were gone (espescially that damn dog) I would be relieved. I hate myself and because of that, I hate everyone else too. What will continue to be so unbelievable to me is that I'm screaming inside and out and NOBODY notices!!! I guess I really am nothing. Well F--- you world!
See you in hell Dad, it's just a matter of when I get up the guts to make all this mess I call my life go away.
I've got to meet up with "the girls" for a night out tomorrow night for what is the fist time out in probably 3 yrs. for me without Kit. I don't even want to go. I want to go to sleep and never wake up. I'm exhausted no matter how much I sleep and I am in a huge amount of physical pain.
I don't want to be a mother anymore, I don't want to be married anymore. I want it all to end. Please God make it all go away. Let me close my eyes for the last time tonight. I can't take another day. Not one more day. Our money situation has been exhausted and my parents probably see me exactly as I am..............................a failure.
Such a waste. I just wish there was a way to make all this hopelessness and pain go away.
If I woke up tomorrow and Kit and the kids were gone (espescially that damn dog) I would be relieved. I hate myself and because of that, I hate everyone else too. What will continue to be so unbelievable to me is that I'm screaming inside and out and NOBODY notices!!! I guess I really am nothing. Well F--- you world!
See you in hell Dad, it's just a matter of when I get up the guts to make all this mess I call my life go away.
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
It's been a while.
It's been a while. .....
Things have been evolving. Into what, I'm not exactly sure yet, but I think things in general are getting better. After 12 days in the local hospital for a nasty bout with what the docs say was acute pancreatitis due to the steroids I take for my lupus I came home to recover while Kit made the transition from his former job to his new job. Big transition for him (and as it works out, me too) after running restaurants for 20 yrs. he now is in management training for our local (although they have hundreds of stores) grocery store chain. The benefits and opportunities for advancement are soooo much better than what we had before. They say they average 10 hr. work days and 5 day work weeks for the most part. I'm taking the "wait and see" approach but so far it seems to be pretty much what they say.
Kit seems to be making this transition seamlessly. That's my husband. He's smart, he works hard and he can adapt to almost anything. He doesn't look beaten down when he walks in the door from work. He says the job is a lot more managing and a lot less working positions which is good. He seems to like it. So, I'm.......................relieved and a little happy and optimistic. Although, I still have this knot in my stomach. Could be left over pancreatitis junk or the ulcers they found in my stomach with all the tests they put me through or it could be my almost constant level of anxiety. Could be just about anything.
Jackson turns 15 months today! Happy b-day little man! He is getting sooo big and he's definitely all boy! He is on a Daddy kick ever since I was in the hospital and misses him horribly during the day now that Da da is at work most of his awake time. He gets so ticked off so easily and he will walk right by me during one of his freak out sessions as if he would rather a big ole man eating t-rex was there to comfort him rather than me. I'm not bent about it though. I remember these ma-ma,da-da phases and how they change. I'm more thrown off by his change in daily schedule, now just one nap a lot later in the am, than I am about his seeming to want nothing to do with me.
Other breaking news, I'm meeting with one of the YMCA camp directors tomorrow to talk about me helping out with the kids drama camp. I was thrilled when she called and it seemed she was looking for me to take a big part of this project on. So, I'm not going to try to guess what I'm getting myself into yet. Whatever it is, it's going to be a positive thing in my and probably the kids summer and I'm determined to see this through. I find excuses to walk away and quit so much in life. Which has probably gotten me to this place in life.
I know I've written about changing in prior posts. I've pondered if it's worth it to try. I've decided it's worth it. My biological father said that people are supposed to change as they get older. He meant it to be a positive thing and his point was to continue to learn and grow as we get closer to the inevitable. Funny, I don't think he really believed or got that concept. Atleast, not in regards to me and from the last time I saw him 6 yrs. prior to his dying, not in regards to himself. Although, I will continue to pray that someday I'll get to see him and make peace with him. Not in the hot place either.
Rediculous that I can't seem to shake the continual daughter just wanting her dad's approval or atleast his love. Sigh, that demon continues to haunt me in more ways than I can verbalize.
Kate comes for the summer in a month and I can't wait to have her here. I still have to put "her room" together. This is the first time she won't be forced to share a room with Maddie. I know she is looking forward to this. Maddie really gets under her skin. Could be because Maddie is a 8 yr old little "part-time" sister who won't leave her alone. Maddie on the other hand probably is gonna miss having Kate on that top bunk in their room.
Now, that Melissa has moved on, we have an extra room for Kate to be on her own. Besides, it's time. Speaking of Melissa, Keeper's remains vacant and closed and as far as I know, still owned by Rufus and Roxi Pritchard. I think I'm finally almost over my job there ending the way it did. I hope to keep in contact with those from Keeper's that got close to our family ( ie: Lindy, Stacey, Melissa...........etc). For a while there I was feeling like I had lost the only thing I did worth anything. I guess, because I equated my value directly to the paycheck and my positive affect on the employees and the guests who walked into that place. I'm realizing now that maybe I have some worth here at home with the kids. Just because some days are rougher than others with my health doesn't make me a bad mom. I've told myself multiple times a minute in my head for a really long time that I have no worth and I'm a bad mother. I'm trying really hard to fight those and the rest of the negative self-talk (both in my head as well as outloud). A lot if not most of it is crap that becomes a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. Ya hear something enough even if it's from yourself, you start to believe it. I love my kids. They need me. I love my husband and all of us together make a family. It isn't perfect. But, as I get older I see that the truth is nobody has that "perfect" life. It may look that way. God knows, I try to convey that I'm really ok to the world. I want everyone to think I've got it all together. I don't know why. I think I may be ok right now. I need work. But hey, who doesn't. Point is, I'm working on it. Everyday is another step. Sometimes I screw up. Sometimes I don't. But, I'll keep trying.
Lupus is not what I am. It's something I have. It's not an excuse for me to give up on people and life in general. It's not ok for me to tell myself my family and friends are better off without me. My family loves me and like my mom told me before I was admitted to the hospital, whatever I can give them of myself is good enough. Yes, my mom said something positive to me. Sometimes, I stay in bed when I don't really need to. I'm trying to stop that. I'm trying everyday to give whatever I can give to the kids and Kit. I'm still running with only some of my engines, but I think running at all is better than avoiding. I may still need to catch a nap here and there or sleep in if I get the chance. But that doesn't have to mean an "all day, Mom's down for the count event".
Well, Jackson is up from his nap and my time is up. Gotta run. Good to be back. Thanks gang (Kit and little ones) for not giving up on me yet.
Things have been evolving. Into what, I'm not exactly sure yet, but I think things in general are getting better. After 12 days in the local hospital for a nasty bout with what the docs say was acute pancreatitis due to the steroids I take for my lupus I came home to recover while Kit made the transition from his former job to his new job. Big transition for him (and as it works out, me too) after running restaurants for 20 yrs. he now is in management training for our local (although they have hundreds of stores) grocery store chain. The benefits and opportunities for advancement are soooo much better than what we had before. They say they average 10 hr. work days and 5 day work weeks for the most part. I'm taking the "wait and see" approach but so far it seems to be pretty much what they say.
Kit seems to be making this transition seamlessly. That's my husband. He's smart, he works hard and he can adapt to almost anything. He doesn't look beaten down when he walks in the door from work. He says the job is a lot more managing and a lot less working positions which is good. He seems to like it. So, I'm.......................relieved and a little happy and optimistic. Although, I still have this knot in my stomach. Could be left over pancreatitis junk or the ulcers they found in my stomach with all the tests they put me through or it could be my almost constant level of anxiety. Could be just about anything.
Jackson turns 15 months today! Happy b-day little man! He is getting sooo big and he's definitely all boy! He is on a Daddy kick ever since I was in the hospital and misses him horribly during the day now that Da da is at work most of his awake time. He gets so ticked off so easily and he will walk right by me during one of his freak out sessions as if he would rather a big ole man eating t-rex was there to comfort him rather than me. I'm not bent about it though. I remember these ma-ma,da-da phases and how they change. I'm more thrown off by his change in daily schedule, now just one nap a lot later in the am, than I am about his seeming to want nothing to do with me.
Other breaking news, I'm meeting with one of the YMCA camp directors tomorrow to talk about me helping out with the kids drama camp. I was thrilled when she called and it seemed she was looking for me to take a big part of this project on. So, I'm not going to try to guess what I'm getting myself into yet. Whatever it is, it's going to be a positive thing in my and probably the kids summer and I'm determined to see this through. I find excuses to walk away and quit so much in life. Which has probably gotten me to this place in life.
I know I've written about changing in prior posts. I've pondered if it's worth it to try. I've decided it's worth it. My biological father said that people are supposed to change as they get older. He meant it to be a positive thing and his point was to continue to learn and grow as we get closer to the inevitable. Funny, I don't think he really believed or got that concept. Atleast, not in regards to me and from the last time I saw him 6 yrs. prior to his dying, not in regards to himself. Although, I will continue to pray that someday I'll get to see him and make peace with him. Not in the hot place either.
Rediculous that I can't seem to shake the continual daughter just wanting her dad's approval or atleast his love. Sigh, that demon continues to haunt me in more ways than I can verbalize.
Kate comes for the summer in a month and I can't wait to have her here. I still have to put "her room" together. This is the first time she won't be forced to share a room with Maddie. I know she is looking forward to this. Maddie really gets under her skin. Could be because Maddie is a 8 yr old little "part-time" sister who won't leave her alone. Maddie on the other hand probably is gonna miss having Kate on that top bunk in their room.
Now, that Melissa has moved on, we have an extra room for Kate to be on her own. Besides, it's time. Speaking of Melissa, Keeper's remains vacant and closed and as far as I know, still owned by Rufus and Roxi Pritchard. I think I'm finally almost over my job there ending the way it did. I hope to keep in contact with those from Keeper's that got close to our family ( ie: Lindy, Stacey, Melissa...........etc). For a while there I was feeling like I had lost the only thing I did worth anything. I guess, because I equated my value directly to the paycheck and my positive affect on the employees and the guests who walked into that place. I'm realizing now that maybe I have some worth here at home with the kids. Just because some days are rougher than others with my health doesn't make me a bad mom. I've told myself multiple times a minute in my head for a really long time that I have no worth and I'm a bad mother. I'm trying really hard to fight those and the rest of the negative self-talk (both in my head as well as outloud). A lot if not most of it is crap that becomes a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. Ya hear something enough even if it's from yourself, you start to believe it. I love my kids. They need me. I love my husband and all of us together make a family. It isn't perfect. But, as I get older I see that the truth is nobody has that "perfect" life. It may look that way. God knows, I try to convey that I'm really ok to the world. I want everyone to think I've got it all together. I don't know why. I think I may be ok right now. I need work. But hey, who doesn't. Point is, I'm working on it. Everyday is another step. Sometimes I screw up. Sometimes I don't. But, I'll keep trying.
Lupus is not what I am. It's something I have. It's not an excuse for me to give up on people and life in general. It's not ok for me to tell myself my family and friends are better off without me. My family loves me and like my mom told me before I was admitted to the hospital, whatever I can give them of myself is good enough. Yes, my mom said something positive to me. Sometimes, I stay in bed when I don't really need to. I'm trying to stop that. I'm trying everyday to give whatever I can give to the kids and Kit. I'm still running with only some of my engines, but I think running at all is better than avoiding. I may still need to catch a nap here and there or sleep in if I get the chance. But that doesn't have to mean an "all day, Mom's down for the count event".
Well, Jackson is up from his nap and my time is up. Gotta run. Good to be back. Thanks gang (Kit and little ones) for not giving up on me yet.
Sunday, January 14, 2007
Close to crazy!
I should be sleeping. Already took my meds and all. I feel sick inside. Man, I am so far from the person I mistakingly thought I was. It's shocking really. You know, you think "I'm and OK person". Could always be better, but yet still a decent person.
Tonight I re-realized that I am a crappy excuse for a mother to my oldest daughter Kate. I can't seem to put the junk behind me and get moving forward. She is 12 and I am to her...................as Kit says "part-time". I am her mother. I will always be her mother. But just having that title means pretty much nothing if you don't behave like a mom should.
I love Kate. I love my kids all the same. But when Kate goes back to Pittsburgh with her dad, It's like I shut down that part of myself. Sure there are the occasional phone calls and e-mails. But I really feel like I am a big, not much in her life. It breaks my heart. It hurts even more to know that I created that situation completely on my own.
Is is too late to turn things around there? Just like my last blog, you get to where you wonder if you should even try changing. Or are you destined to be whatever it is you've become. What if you hate who and what you've become?
My depression just seems to be worsening. I believe I need a doctor. A real one, that can not only do "talk therapy" but also do meds too. There must be something chemically wrong with me to be the way I am.
Tonight and lately, I've been feeling a sense of urgency to start the wheels of change actually rolling in the correct direction. I'm not sure exactly how I'll go about that. I just know I can't keep on keepin on like this. I'm close to crazy. Or maybe I'm already there.
Tonight I re-realized that I am a crappy excuse for a mother to my oldest daughter Kate. I can't seem to put the junk behind me and get moving forward. She is 12 and I am to her...................as Kit says "part-time". I am her mother. I will always be her mother. But just having that title means pretty much nothing if you don't behave like a mom should.
I love Kate. I love my kids all the same. But when Kate goes back to Pittsburgh with her dad, It's like I shut down that part of myself. Sure there are the occasional phone calls and e-mails. But I really feel like I am a big, not much in her life. It breaks my heart. It hurts even more to know that I created that situation completely on my own.
Is is too late to turn things around there? Just like my last blog, you get to where you wonder if you should even try changing. Or are you destined to be whatever it is you've become. What if you hate who and what you've become?
My depression just seems to be worsening. I believe I need a doctor. A real one, that can not only do "talk therapy" but also do meds too. There must be something chemically wrong with me to be the way I am.
Tonight and lately, I've been feeling a sense of urgency to start the wheels of change actually rolling in the correct direction. I'm not sure exactly how I'll go about that. I just know I can't keep on keepin on like this. I'm close to crazy. Or maybe I'm already there.
Saturday, January 13, 2007
changing who you are today so you can be that person you had dreamed of growingup into.
Thee seems to have come a time in life, well, atleast in my life, where I've reached that number in age where I thought I'd have it all figured out.I'd really have it together...somehow. I overlooked the fact that in order to be in that place in life, I would have actually done some work, taken some classes or something.Anyhow, just prepare for getting to that place. But like all I do, no preparing was done. I just waited around till I ended up where I am now. Which is realizing I have a lot of work to do on myself to someday get to where I've got it together. I'm clinging to the hope that it is not TOO late for me to turn this ship around. I can not end up the very person I was so sure I would never be. Coincidently, the same person I seem to be at this point
So, I've been asking myself some pretty seriously deep questioins. It really troubles me that I don't have the answers to many of the questions. If I tell the truth on every question I really have to face the fact that I am catastophically flawed.
I want to live with the priorities of the person I want to be with the valuale priorities.
I look at Kit tonight and I could just cry. Instead of building him up, I'm completely breaking him down. He has reverted back to avoiding eye contact with me and of course casual or any other form of touching and connecting is not in the mix right now.
He is literally doing everything he can to keep things together for our family while we deal with my (our, really) lupus. He is tactically doing everything possible to keep the house and our little "Team Trotter". He looks so miserable to me. I wish we could just talk whatever he is feeling out between us but our dynamic right now is difficult to say the least.
I love you baby! I've made you my whipping post lately, and it needs to stop right now. You and the kids are my world. We are going to make it through this latest flare. I have to believe that we can and we will find a comfortable, productive, loving way to work through all the crap together.
The person I want to be would be trying harder to lighten his load. I would be happier, I would try totake the time to look decent. I'm been letting myself go lately and that is just wrong
I'm getting sleepy and my thoughts are starting to loose focus. So,I'm going to have tocome back to this post and content later.
So, I've been asking myself some pretty seriously deep questioins. It really troubles me that I don't have the answers to many of the questions. If I tell the truth on every question I really have to face the fact that I am catastophically flawed.
I want to live with the priorities of the person I want to be with the valuale priorities.
I look at Kit tonight and I could just cry. Instead of building him up, I'm completely breaking him down. He has reverted back to avoiding eye contact with me and of course casual or any other form of touching and connecting is not in the mix right now.
He is literally doing everything he can to keep things together for our family while we deal with my (our, really) lupus. He is tactically doing everything possible to keep the house and our little "Team Trotter". He looks so miserable to me. I wish we could just talk whatever he is feeling out between us but our dynamic right now is difficult to say the least.
I love you baby! I've made you my whipping post lately, and it needs to stop right now. You and the kids are my world. We are going to make it through this latest flare. I have to believe that we can and we will find a comfortable, productive, loving way to work through all the crap together.
The person I want to be would be trying harder to lighten his load. I would be happier, I would try totake the time to look decent. I'm been letting myself go lately and that is just wrong
I'm getting sleepy and my thoughts are starting to loose focus. So,I'm going to have tocome back to this post and content later.
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
AARRGGHH! OK, not gonna be positive. Not right now. Pain level is through the roof. I am sick to death of insurance companies, medications, doctors, tests etc............................I finally have a wonderful pain management doc here and guess what, my inner voice is telling me we are looking at yet another move. Probably in the next 6 months or less. I'm so sick and tired of starting over. Kit's job situation is a dead end. I do not understand why we fucking came to the Outer Banks in the first place. I had hoped for a relationship with my parents. I had hoped they would want to get to know their grandchildren and play a role in their lives. Boy, was I wrong!! Wrong with a capital W!
I have asked my parents to watch Maddie for us twice in the past 3 years. Both times were for the work Christmas party. When Maddie goes to my parents house, she is put in front of the living room T.V. and told to watch DVD's until we would come to get her. Actually, that is what Maddie is supposed to do on the rare occasions that we go over to their home.
My mother sits in the kitchen in front of her t.v on the counter, blaring, cigarette dangling from her one hand and a scotch on the rocks in the other hand. She makes no attempts at having a conversation with Maddie. She treats her like she treated me growing up..............like I was invisible.
Katy gets a little more attention from "Gran". Only because now Katy is "old enough that she can carry on a worthwhile conversation with her".
Baby Jackson. I kept the pregnancy with Jack a secret from my parents as long as possible. I was terrified to tell my parents. I knew they would treat me as if I had committed a felony and I should be punished, rediculed and made to feel as if I was the stupidest person on the planet. How dare I bring another "brat"into this world.
My mother treats my step-sister the same way in regards to our children. Erin, my step-sister had her third baby this past Friday! According to my mother her first comment to Erin over the phone upon hearing that the baby had arrived was "So, how long until you plan on doing this shit again to try to give Jim (my step-brother-in-law) his boy?". Un freaking believable.
Bitter, bitter, bitch. I am so angry! I am fighting back tears as I type this. I can not stand that this woman is my mother. I can not stand how I LET her affect me. I made this stupid decision after being "disowned" by my father, that no matter what, my mother is my mother, and I will not walk away from her. But, she is ruining, no I take that back, I am LETTING her ruin me. My health is suffering. I feel like total shit after most of our conversations.
She manipulates everyone around her. I can not believe my dad (step-dad) has stayed with her for 30 yrs. He is codependent, just trying to survive her wrath.
My therapist made the point that not allowing my mother in my life anymore , or God forbid when she dies, it would really be no different than it is now. I, for all intents and purposes, do not have a mother now. So, the only thing I would be morning is the mother I had always wanted and needed but was never given.
I am freaking out. I am fighting the urge to take off. To just move as fast as possible away from here. Away from her. I'm angry that I came here at all. I'm angry that I allowed myself to hope to find a mother who loved me and valued me.
My father disowned me. My mother hates me. I must be a real wonderful contribution to this world.
But, I WILL find a way to not be like her. I LOVE my children. I can not let my emotional baggage, and weaknesses be an excuse to be a rotten, bitter, angry, self-absorbed parent and partner for Kit. My children and my husband see something worthwhile in me. I have to hold onto that. I HAVE to.
I am so close to an emotional breakdown. But, I will NOT give into the emotional weaknesses. I will get help! I will use a productive outlet. But right now, I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to drive over to my mother's house and tell her what a rotten parent and person she is. I want to tell her that I'm done taking responsibility for her rotten defective parenting.
Guess what mom! I am not the reason you drink. If you didn't have me, you would've found another excuse. Besides, Dad told me you started drinking way before I even was born. You drank and smoked throughout your pregnancy with me. You told me you never wanted me! Dad may have been a lot of rotten things, but he wasn't a liar. YOU are the liar. I do not have to pretend I believe your lies anymore. I'm not crazy. The things I think happened in our home when I was growing up were NOT my imagination. I will no longer put myself down to you to try to get your approval.
I was a child. I was YOUR child! I was the only Child you had! You abandoned me emotionally. You ignored me. You could never hug me or hold me when I was just a little girl. I held you when you were too drunk to hold your head up over the toilet. I was the one who called the police when you took all those pills and drank all that scotch and I was so afraid that you were dead. Lying there on the floor in your underwear. Dad had left me with you. He knew how sick you were and when he walked out, he left me there with you to take care of you. I loved you Mom. I wanted to help you. I wanted to be enough for you to be ok. I wanted to be worth enough to you for you to be strong. But you never were. Never.
I could end up like you mom. but i won't. I won't. You know why? Because I love my children, my husband, my friends, more than I myself. I know how to love. I don't ever want my children to ever feel for one single second the way I feel as your daughter for my entire life.
You will die someday. I need to find a way to deal with the reality of understanding that no matter how much I try to love you, it will never be enough for you to embrace that love. Your too comfortable in your misery. You will die and I will grieve. I will probably never get to have things be the way I've wished they'd be between us for so long. I didn't want much. I just wanted you to be proud of me. I wanted you to respect me. I wanted you to let me in and let me love you.
Just like when dad died, I'll never have things straight. It's hard to know that even now, while you are still alive, the outcome will more than likely be the same.
As I held my 6 month old son(at the time) in my lap while I puked in the toilet after my chemo treatments this past summer I remember thinking this is all wrong. I would drive myself to and from my treatments alone so the kids wouldn't have to see me go through those. Kit would stay with the kids. Kit could only take a day or 2 off work so then I was left puking, exhausted, just all out horribly sick to care for three kids alone. Not once did my mother or my father offer any sort of help. I'm not playing a victim here. I'm just realizing what a horrendous excuse for a mother I actually have.
When i had a near fatal accident in July of 2002 and ended up in critical condition on a ventilator, my parents didn't even try to come to Texas to see me. Yet she can drive her ass to Atlantic City to the casinos every month. She did tell me if I had died, she would've shown up for the funeral. I guess that would've been important to make it look to other people at my funeral like she gave a damn. But no, she left Kit to deal with the two girls, me in ICU and thank God for Kit's family.
I have lots of reasons to be pissed off! How can a mother treat her child this way???? I'm not sure where to go from here. I just know I HAVE to get this anger out in a constructive way because I'm gonna loose it. I literally feel the urge to break something, to put a hole in the wall, to destroy something. But, I won't. Not today. Tonight I will get a good night sleep and tomorrow I will feel better. Somehow I'll figure it all out. But for right now, I'm furious! How dae my parents throw me away the way they have. Or worse, keep me around to wallow in their misery. I didn't ask for them to have me. I didn't pick them out as parents.
I have asked my parents to watch Maddie for us twice in the past 3 years. Both times were for the work Christmas party. When Maddie goes to my parents house, she is put in front of the living room T.V. and told to watch DVD's until we would come to get her. Actually, that is what Maddie is supposed to do on the rare occasions that we go over to their home.
My mother sits in the kitchen in front of her t.v on the counter, blaring, cigarette dangling from her one hand and a scotch on the rocks in the other hand. She makes no attempts at having a conversation with Maddie. She treats her like she treated me growing up..............like I was invisible.
Katy gets a little more attention from "Gran". Only because now Katy is "old enough that she can carry on a worthwhile conversation with her".
Baby Jackson. I kept the pregnancy with Jack a secret from my parents as long as possible. I was terrified to tell my parents. I knew they would treat me as if I had committed a felony and I should be punished, rediculed and made to feel as if I was the stupidest person on the planet. How dare I bring another "brat"into this world.
My mother treats my step-sister the same way in regards to our children. Erin, my step-sister had her third baby this past Friday! According to my mother her first comment to Erin over the phone upon hearing that the baby had arrived was "So, how long until you plan on doing this shit again to try to give Jim (my step-brother-in-law) his boy?". Un freaking believable.
Bitter, bitter, bitch. I am so angry! I am fighting back tears as I type this. I can not stand that this woman is my mother. I can not stand how I LET her affect me. I made this stupid decision after being "disowned" by my father, that no matter what, my mother is my mother, and I will not walk away from her. But, she is ruining, no I take that back, I am LETTING her ruin me. My health is suffering. I feel like total shit after most of our conversations.
She manipulates everyone around her. I can not believe my dad (step-dad) has stayed with her for 30 yrs. He is codependent, just trying to survive her wrath.
My therapist made the point that not allowing my mother in my life anymore , or God forbid when she dies, it would really be no different than it is now. I, for all intents and purposes, do not have a mother now. So, the only thing I would be morning is the mother I had always wanted and needed but was never given.
I am freaking out. I am fighting the urge to take off. To just move as fast as possible away from here. Away from her. I'm angry that I came here at all. I'm angry that I allowed myself to hope to find a mother who loved me and valued me.
My father disowned me. My mother hates me. I must be a real wonderful contribution to this world.
But, I WILL find a way to not be like her. I LOVE my children. I can not let my emotional baggage, and weaknesses be an excuse to be a rotten, bitter, angry, self-absorbed parent and partner for Kit. My children and my husband see something worthwhile in me. I have to hold onto that. I HAVE to.
I am so close to an emotional breakdown. But, I will NOT give into the emotional weaknesses. I will get help! I will use a productive outlet. But right now, I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to drive over to my mother's house and tell her what a rotten parent and person she is. I want to tell her that I'm done taking responsibility for her rotten defective parenting.
Guess what mom! I am not the reason you drink. If you didn't have me, you would've found another excuse. Besides, Dad told me you started drinking way before I even was born. You drank and smoked throughout your pregnancy with me. You told me you never wanted me! Dad may have been a lot of rotten things, but he wasn't a liar. YOU are the liar. I do not have to pretend I believe your lies anymore. I'm not crazy. The things I think happened in our home when I was growing up were NOT my imagination. I will no longer put myself down to you to try to get your approval.
I was a child. I was YOUR child! I was the only Child you had! You abandoned me emotionally. You ignored me. You could never hug me or hold me when I was just a little girl. I held you when you were too drunk to hold your head up over the toilet. I was the one who called the police when you took all those pills and drank all that scotch and I was so afraid that you were dead. Lying there on the floor in your underwear. Dad had left me with you. He knew how sick you were and when he walked out, he left me there with you to take care of you. I loved you Mom. I wanted to help you. I wanted to be enough for you to be ok. I wanted to be worth enough to you for you to be strong. But you never were. Never.
I could end up like you mom. but i won't. I won't. You know why? Because I love my children, my husband, my friends, more than I myself. I know how to love. I don't ever want my children to ever feel for one single second the way I feel as your daughter for my entire life.
You will die someday. I need to find a way to deal with the reality of understanding that no matter how much I try to love you, it will never be enough for you to embrace that love. Your too comfortable in your misery. You will die and I will grieve. I will probably never get to have things be the way I've wished they'd be between us for so long. I didn't want much. I just wanted you to be proud of me. I wanted you to respect me. I wanted you to let me in and let me love you.
Just like when dad died, I'll never have things straight. It's hard to know that even now, while you are still alive, the outcome will more than likely be the same.
As I held my 6 month old son(at the time) in my lap while I puked in the toilet after my chemo treatments this past summer I remember thinking this is all wrong. I would drive myself to and from my treatments alone so the kids wouldn't have to see me go through those. Kit would stay with the kids. Kit could only take a day or 2 off work so then I was left puking, exhausted, just all out horribly sick to care for three kids alone. Not once did my mother or my father offer any sort of help. I'm not playing a victim here. I'm just realizing what a horrendous excuse for a mother I actually have.
When i had a near fatal accident in July of 2002 and ended up in critical condition on a ventilator, my parents didn't even try to come to Texas to see me. Yet she can drive her ass to Atlantic City to the casinos every month. She did tell me if I had died, she would've shown up for the funeral. I guess that would've been important to make it look to other people at my funeral like she gave a damn. But no, she left Kit to deal with the two girls, me in ICU and thank God for Kit's family.
I have lots of reasons to be pissed off! How can a mother treat her child this way???? I'm not sure where to go from here. I just know I HAVE to get this anger out in a constructive way because I'm gonna loose it. I literally feel the urge to break something, to put a hole in the wall, to destroy something. But, I won't. Not today. Tonight I will get a good night sleep and tomorrow I will feel better. Somehow I'll figure it all out. But for right now, I'm furious! How dae my parents throw me away the way they have. Or worse, keep me around to wallow in their misery. I didn't ask for them to have me. I didn't pick them out as parents.
Monday, January 01, 2007
New Year, New Route!!!
Happy New Year!!! Blah, blah..............OK, right now I'm mentally seeing two ways I can go with this post. My instincts are pushing me towards the negative, ranting, raving, everything sucks, just another year and everything is no better in my life, in fact, it's worse..............................road. Here is where I make the purposeful decision to push that instinct away and uncomfortably forge ahead towards the positive. Man, taking this road feels sort of like trying to steer a car with no power steering. Not easy. Very uncomfortable. But Kit (my guru) likes to say "You keep doing what your doing, you'll keep getting what your getting." I'm worn out on getting what I'm getting.
So, here I am driving down a different road. I'll figure out a name for this road later. Lets see what it looks like from the drivers seat this morning. Through the window I see that it's 9am and I'm showered, dressed, make-up on. Don't see that on a usual ride down negative street.
I also see that I actually cooked breakfast for baby Jackson myself. Scrambled eggs with cheese. He loves that. I've got a load of laundry going in the washer, and the dishes are done.
I"m still struggling with the conversation I had over the phone with my mother. But writing about that would definitely put me back down negative street. So, I'm going to give it all I've got to not dwell on that and the other negative thoughts that have me on the verge of tears. I'm going to come up with some positive things to replace the negative thoughts.
Things to focus on today:
1: My children and my husband are healthy.
2: My husband and myself still have our jobs.
3: We ARE going to Disney World in 27 days.
4: We had a wonderful Christmas day here with the kids.
5: We have a nice house to live in.
6: For today the cable is still on.
7: I have the bestest best friend a gal could ask for. Love u Steph.
8: I am having a relatively low pain day.
9: We have cars in good condition to get around in.
10: We do not have a car payment.
11: We believe in God and are trying to get back on track with him.
12: We have a YMCA membership and therefor I have an outlet for my stress that I will use.
13: My husband loves me.
14: My husband is a wonderful father.
15: My husband is my best friend and is a total team player.
16: I can make today a great day just by the thoughts and attitude I CHOOSE to have!
17: I am no longer a victim.
Thats a pretty good start. Guess I better get going on it.
So, here I am driving down a different road. I'll figure out a name for this road later. Lets see what it looks like from the drivers seat this morning. Through the window I see that it's 9am and I'm showered, dressed, make-up on. Don't see that on a usual ride down negative street.
I also see that I actually cooked breakfast for baby Jackson myself. Scrambled eggs with cheese. He loves that. I've got a load of laundry going in the washer, and the dishes are done.
I"m still struggling with the conversation I had over the phone with my mother. But writing about that would definitely put me back down negative street. So, I'm going to give it all I've got to not dwell on that and the other negative thoughts that have me on the verge of tears. I'm going to come up with some positive things to replace the negative thoughts.
Things to focus on today:
1: My children and my husband are healthy.
2: My husband and myself still have our jobs.
3: We ARE going to Disney World in 27 days.
4: We had a wonderful Christmas day here with the kids.
5: We have a nice house to live in.
6: For today the cable is still on.
7: I have the bestest best friend a gal could ask for. Love u Steph.
8: I am having a relatively low pain day.
9: We have cars in good condition to get around in.
10: We do not have a car payment.
11: We believe in God and are trying to get back on track with him.
12: We have a YMCA membership and therefor I have an outlet for my stress that I will use.
13: My husband loves me.
14: My husband is a wonderful father.
15: My husband is my best friend and is a total team player.
16: I can make today a great day just by the thoughts and attitude I CHOOSE to have!
17: I am no longer a victim.
Thats a pretty good start. Guess I better get going on it.
Sunday, December 31, 2006
It is not my responsibility to be company for my mother's misery.
Lyrics from an Anvril Lavigne (hope I didn't just butcher her name) are hitting home for me tonight!
Her feelings she hides
Her dreams she can't find
She's loosing her mind
She's falling behind
She can't find her place
She's loosing her faith
She's fallen from grace
She's all over the place
She wants to go home
But nobody's home
Thats where she lies
broke inside
Be strong,Be strong now
too many,too many problems
Don't know where she belongs
Where she belongs
Open your eyes
and look outside,find the reasons why
you've been rejected
now you can't find what you left behind
These words just reminded me of my childhood and also how I grew into the person I have become. Thank goodness this stuff is in the past. I couldn't do much about my home life growing up but now that I am an adult, I can choose not to put myself in the negative and abusive situations that were forced upon me as a child.
Her feelings she hides
Her dreams she can't find
She's loosing her mind
She's falling behind
She can't find her place
She's loosing her faith
She's fallen from grace
She's all over the place
She wants to go home
But nobody's home
Thats where she lies
broke inside
Be strong,Be strong now
too many,too many problems
Don't know where she belongs
Where she belongs
Open your eyes
and look outside,find the reasons why
you've been rejected
now you can't find what you left behind
These words just reminded me of my childhood and also how I grew into the person I have become. Thank goodness this stuff is in the past. I couldn't do much about my home life growing up but now that I am an adult, I can choose not to put myself in the negative and abusive situations that were forced upon me as a child.
Thursday, December 28, 2006
Angry and bitter
Back down again today. Damn it! I'm exhausted and in horrible pain. If you know anything about the pain score (the way docs try to figure out exactly how much pain your actually in), mine is at an almost unbearable 9.
We had an awesome Christmas after surviving the annual Christmas eve stresses of "celebrating" at my parent's house. I love my parents. I really do. But between my mom treating my poor dad (step-dad) like garbage constantly and making fun of everyone and especially her negative comments about my children. Although, these days it's usually Jackson that she has negative things to say about. Why not? He's 10 months old and can't defend himself yet. According to her, he's spoiled, a brat and she can't understand why he won't just sit contently in a playpen for hours at a time. After all, that's what she did with me when I was a baby. Explains some stuff huh?? The best comment she could muster up about baby Jackson was that since he actually was happy and smiling when we first got to their place, that maybe " the jury is still out on this one."Bitch.
I'll get into the awesome Christmas day we had with our immediate family, Kit, Kate, Maddie and Jackson, on another post. Right now, I'm having trouble sorting through the stuff thats getting me all worked up and down.
So, Kit if your reading this and looking for a fuzzy, feel good post about how I'm still trying and I'm working towards a better me...................yada yada whatever, you may want to skip reading the rest of this one.
I hate, f-ing HATE this stupid disease. Here Kate is only here for two more days. I feel like total crap. Every single joint I have is screaming and I'm fighting off (trying to fight off another migrane). But what the heck, Kate is used to her mother being like this. Too sick to be any good at being her mother. Me having children was a very selfish, selfish thing to do. I was so hoping I could not be like my mom and actually be a good mother. Boy, was I wrong on that one.
I'm espescially angry at myself because Kit has been so awesome! Espescially on Christmas and yesterday. He interacted with me in ways that I always only wish he'd do. Things like snuggling and kissing me. He pretty much never kisses me unless we are about to have sex. That is something that hurts me more than I can ever explain to him. But I figure it's my fault anyway. Anyway, yesterday he got me to where my defenses were finally coming down and I was just starting to get comfortable with him hugging me and interacting with me in a lovey dovey way. Well, guess what?? I somehow managed to blow that. He woke me up this morning with a "Hey Chris, I gotta get ready for work." Instead of the sitting on my side of the bed and rubbing my arm and speaking softly to me , like he had a day or two before. I end up feeling like I've completely screwed up the dynamic between us-again. I wonder if there is any hope for me to actually change. Needless to say, he left without barely looking at me. Certainly no hug or god forbid a kiss. Off he goes, and I sit here, hating myself and being angry at myself for starting to let my defenses down with him. I get tired of having to just be "up for it" when he decides he wants to talk, or when he wants to cuddle (which is almost never) and when he wants whatever he wants that he needs me for. I needed him last night. Not the first time this has happened and maybe it's just good ole mis communication. But, I just end up feeling hurt and rejected like I'm total crap in his mind. It gets old. Really old.
Right now with my head pounding I should probably lay back down. I don't feel like dealing with the kids. Jackson is napping. But Melissa is supposed to show back up today. So, I gotta get myself, the house and the kids in better order. Yipee. Kate will be on me to go pick up her ps2 that Maddie broke and we had to get fixed. That's another story for another time. Jack will be following me around, attached to my pant leg whining. boy, glad to be back in the swing of things.
Oh and I had another seizure this am. I know they are absolutely related to stress. I've come to realize I have to go to my parents and prove to them once again that I am a total failure in life and ask them for a loan so we can afford the travel and food expenses of the f-ing disney trip that we've already paid for. Really looking forward to that conversation. I know that Bob, whever the Hell (and that may be exactly where he is) is laughing hysterically at me, knowing that he was right to disown me. I was never anything and I'll never have any worth of anykind. I have no value, nothing to offer and as my loving step-mother put it so well..............."She pity's my children for having me as a mother." Rock on Regina, I hope your miserable and lonely now that Bob's gone. Just the way you probably were when he was still alive.
We had an awesome Christmas after surviving the annual Christmas eve stresses of "celebrating" at my parent's house. I love my parents. I really do. But between my mom treating my poor dad (step-dad) like garbage constantly and making fun of everyone and especially her negative comments about my children. Although, these days it's usually Jackson that she has negative things to say about. Why not? He's 10 months old and can't defend himself yet. According to her, he's spoiled, a brat and she can't understand why he won't just sit contently in a playpen for hours at a time. After all, that's what she did with me when I was a baby. Explains some stuff huh?? The best comment she could muster up about baby Jackson was that since he actually was happy and smiling when we first got to their place, that maybe " the jury is still out on this one."Bitch.
I'll get into the awesome Christmas day we had with our immediate family, Kit, Kate, Maddie and Jackson, on another post. Right now, I'm having trouble sorting through the stuff thats getting me all worked up and down.
So, Kit if your reading this and looking for a fuzzy, feel good post about how I'm still trying and I'm working towards a better me...................yada yada whatever, you may want to skip reading the rest of this one.
I hate, f-ing HATE this stupid disease. Here Kate is only here for two more days. I feel like total crap. Every single joint I have is screaming and I'm fighting off (trying to fight off another migrane). But what the heck, Kate is used to her mother being like this. Too sick to be any good at being her mother. Me having children was a very selfish, selfish thing to do. I was so hoping I could not be like my mom and actually be a good mother. Boy, was I wrong on that one.
I'm espescially angry at myself because Kit has been so awesome! Espescially on Christmas and yesterday. He interacted with me in ways that I always only wish he'd do. Things like snuggling and kissing me. He pretty much never kisses me unless we are about to have sex. That is something that hurts me more than I can ever explain to him. But I figure it's my fault anyway. Anyway, yesterday he got me to where my defenses were finally coming down and I was just starting to get comfortable with him hugging me and interacting with me in a lovey dovey way. Well, guess what?? I somehow managed to blow that. He woke me up this morning with a "Hey Chris, I gotta get ready for work." Instead of the sitting on my side of the bed and rubbing my arm and speaking softly to me , like he had a day or two before. I end up feeling like I've completely screwed up the dynamic between us-again. I wonder if there is any hope for me to actually change. Needless to say, he left without barely looking at me. Certainly no hug or god forbid a kiss. Off he goes, and I sit here, hating myself and being angry at myself for starting to let my defenses down with him. I get tired of having to just be "up for it" when he decides he wants to talk, or when he wants to cuddle (which is almost never) and when he wants whatever he wants that he needs me for. I needed him last night. Not the first time this has happened and maybe it's just good ole mis communication. But, I just end up feeling hurt and rejected like I'm total crap in his mind. It gets old. Really old.
Right now with my head pounding I should probably lay back down. I don't feel like dealing with the kids. Jackson is napping. But Melissa is supposed to show back up today. So, I gotta get myself, the house and the kids in better order. Yipee. Kate will be on me to go pick up her ps2 that Maddie broke and we had to get fixed. That's another story for another time. Jack will be following me around, attached to my pant leg whining. boy, glad to be back in the swing of things.
Oh and I had another seizure this am. I know they are absolutely related to stress. I've come to realize I have to go to my parents and prove to them once again that I am a total failure in life and ask them for a loan so we can afford the travel and food expenses of the f-ing disney trip that we've already paid for. Really looking forward to that conversation. I know that Bob, whever the Hell (and that may be exactly where he is) is laughing hysterically at me, knowing that he was right to disown me. I was never anything and I'll never have any worth of anykind. I have no value, nothing to offer and as my loving step-mother put it so well..............."She pity's my children for having me as a mother." Rock on Regina, I hope your miserable and lonely now that Bob's gone. Just the way you probably were when he was still alive.
Friday, December 22, 2006
Courage to be me.
Can't sleep again.............sigh. Insomnia sucks. I layed there in bed reading for a while, then listened to all the mellow stuff on my mp3. Finally got up and got on my laptop. Maybe if I emty out my brain a little, I'll finally be able to get some zzzzz's.
Gotta hit the road first thing in the am to go pick up Kate. I can not wait to see her! It's been since August. That's too long to go without seeing my daughter. I miss her to death.
Went to the doc yesterday and talked to her bout the not sleeping thing. All my docs seem to agree that the prednisone I take for my lupus is the culprit. But the truth is I sleep like crap even when I'm not on the prednisone. Although, it's definitely worse when I'm taking the steroids. Ugh! I hate those things. They make me crazy. I gain weight, I feel jittery and like I'm going to jump out of my skin. Those are only the side effects at lower doses. It's when I get up to 60mgs or more that I get steroid phycosis. Not good. So, I guess I should be glad I'm still at relatively low doses.
Anyway, doc prescribed something new to try to help with the sleeping issue and the anxious,jittery crap. I took it. I actually doulbled up the dose. That was 3hrs. ago and here I am. Yee haw. Sucks.
I really have to get atleast some sleep before I have to get up at 5am. When I don't get a lot of sleep my lupus flares. Just frustrating stuff.
Alrighty, you probably get the jist of my insomnia frustration. Could be worse. Let me move on......................
Not much bugging me tonight. Managing to keep my depression from keeping me down. Still struggling, but not as much. Kit has asked me to start praying with him again. That really means a lot to me. We've gotten off track with going to church and other stuff that we used to do with our faith. Our beliefs are pretty much the same. We both struggle sometimes with different emotions and issues that start to keep us from staying on a good strong spiritual path. For Kit, sometimes he gets angry at God for my lupus and the things that disease and the way I deal with it affect the family. For me, I stuggle with accepting that God can really love me. I think a lot of that comes from my earthly biological father throwing me away. Not once, but multiple times. Funny how your parents not being able to love you makes you wonder if your lovable at all.
I continue to really struggle with stuff that I should've put to bed years ago. I'm going to find a way to really deal with all the crap that has gotten me to this point. I want to believe in myself. I want to like myself. It's like I feel I deserve to treat myself like crap. Like I'm doing my parents and other people a favor by abusing myself. When my mother starts making her comments about what a total screw up as a human being I am, I don't get mad, I don't defend myself. I jump right in with her cutting myself down and laughing with her at myself. Sometimes, I even beat her to the punchline about myself. Why the hell do I do that??
Funny, how I don't think I have anything to write about until I start typing away.Then I get going on a roll.
Anyway, the praying thing is good for me. It seems to be good for Kit. The part I love, is that is seems to be really good for us as a couple.
I believe in God. I am definitely a Christian. I've asked the Lord to come into my heart and forgive me for my sins.......multiple times. I've probably broken records for times saying the "sinners prayer".Not because I don't believe God's part of the deal, but I don't believe in myself.
My heart is slowly (atleast, I hope it's slowly)becoming bitter. I can see me becoming more like my mother. That is what terrifies me the most. I love my mom. But she is a mess. She's been an alcoholic my whole life. She is horribly depressed and the most bitter person I've ever known. I can not let myself become anything like her.
I do know that the bitterness and anger. All the walls and destructive behaviour comes from fear and pain. I'm so scared to get hurt that I find myself pushing away the people I love the most to sort of protect myself from rejection, abandonment. So, right now, I'm trying to make a conscious effort to NOT do that. It's ok for me to be happy. I'm not a mean, horrible,person. I can stop the negative behaviours and put what I really want the real me to be in that place. I'm terrified to let myself be vulnerable but I think I'm getting to where I'm just as afraid to turn into some awful bitch. That's not me. Never was before. Now, I just have to conjure up the courage to let myself be vulnerable and be me.
Gotta hit the road first thing in the am to go pick up Kate. I can not wait to see her! It's been since August. That's too long to go without seeing my daughter. I miss her to death.
Went to the doc yesterday and talked to her bout the not sleeping thing. All my docs seem to agree that the prednisone I take for my lupus is the culprit. But the truth is I sleep like crap even when I'm not on the prednisone. Although, it's definitely worse when I'm taking the steroids. Ugh! I hate those things. They make me crazy. I gain weight, I feel jittery and like I'm going to jump out of my skin. Those are only the side effects at lower doses. It's when I get up to 60mgs or more that I get steroid phycosis. Not good. So, I guess I should be glad I'm still at relatively low doses.
Anyway, doc prescribed something new to try to help with the sleeping issue and the anxious,jittery crap. I took it. I actually doulbled up the dose. That was 3hrs. ago and here I am. Yee haw. Sucks.
I really have to get atleast some sleep before I have to get up at 5am. When I don't get a lot of sleep my lupus flares. Just frustrating stuff.
Alrighty, you probably get the jist of my insomnia frustration. Could be worse. Let me move on......................
Not much bugging me tonight. Managing to keep my depression from keeping me down. Still struggling, but not as much. Kit has asked me to start praying with him again. That really means a lot to me. We've gotten off track with going to church and other stuff that we used to do with our faith. Our beliefs are pretty much the same. We both struggle sometimes with different emotions and issues that start to keep us from staying on a good strong spiritual path. For Kit, sometimes he gets angry at God for my lupus and the things that disease and the way I deal with it affect the family. For me, I stuggle with accepting that God can really love me. I think a lot of that comes from my earthly biological father throwing me away. Not once, but multiple times. Funny how your parents not being able to love you makes you wonder if your lovable at all.
I continue to really struggle with stuff that I should've put to bed years ago. I'm going to find a way to really deal with all the crap that has gotten me to this point. I want to believe in myself. I want to like myself. It's like I feel I deserve to treat myself like crap. Like I'm doing my parents and other people a favor by abusing myself. When my mother starts making her comments about what a total screw up as a human being I am, I don't get mad, I don't defend myself. I jump right in with her cutting myself down and laughing with her at myself. Sometimes, I even beat her to the punchline about myself. Why the hell do I do that??
Funny, how I don't think I have anything to write about until I start typing away.Then I get going on a roll.
Anyway, the praying thing is good for me. It seems to be good for Kit. The part I love, is that is seems to be really good for us as a couple.
I believe in God. I am definitely a Christian. I've asked the Lord to come into my heart and forgive me for my sins.......multiple times. I've probably broken records for times saying the "sinners prayer".Not because I don't believe God's part of the deal, but I don't believe in myself.
My heart is slowly (atleast, I hope it's slowly)becoming bitter. I can see me becoming more like my mother. That is what terrifies me the most. I love my mom. But she is a mess. She's been an alcoholic my whole life. She is horribly depressed and the most bitter person I've ever known. I can not let myself become anything like her.
I do know that the bitterness and anger. All the walls and destructive behaviour comes from fear and pain. I'm so scared to get hurt that I find myself pushing away the people I love the most to sort of protect myself from rejection, abandonment. So, right now, I'm trying to make a conscious effort to NOT do that. It's ok for me to be happy. I'm not a mean, horrible,person. I can stop the negative behaviours and put what I really want the real me to be in that place. I'm terrified to let myself be vulnerable but I think I'm getting to where I'm just as afraid to turn into some awful bitch. That's not me. Never was before. Now, I just have to conjure up the courage to let myself be vulnerable and be me.
Saturday, December 16, 2006
Get busy living!
Can't sleep. Nothing new. But all in all, I'm doing better tonight. I've been so depressed lately. Today I felt better. I made myself switch up the dynamic of my day and it really helped.
As I type this, I'm sitting next to our beautiful christmas tree that is all lit up. "It's a wonderful Life" is on the T.V. As I rock in my glider rocker with my laptop on my lap, I can look out my sliding glass door to see one of our neighbor's sailboats all lit up like a Christmas tree. We live on a canal that leads to the albemarle sound and lots of our neighbors have boatdocks. Tonight was our community's annual "Christmas boat parade". Rough place to live, huh?
Kit got to ride with the guys from his cycling team today. He's in the best physical shape I've ever known him to be in. He makes 40 look amazing! The guys rode a little over 30 miles in less than 2 hrs. and Kit had a "phenominal"time. Makes me happy to see him getting so much fulfillment with his cycling.
My step-dad sees a lot of movies. Like atleast 1-3 a week in the theatre. He works in a movie rental store "for fun" in his retirement. Movies, as well as books and music are his thing. He takes Maddie to the movies everytime a new movie for children comes out. Today he was taking Maddie to see Eragon. A new movie about a dragon and her rider.
Maddie LOVES dragons! That and dinosaurs are what she obsesses over these days. I decided to actually go to the movie with Maddie and dad today. Dad was pleasantly surprised and both he and Maddie seemed excited that I went with them. Made me feel good.
Kit made dinner tonight and we all sort of just hung out. It seemed good. Felt right. I found myself looking at my husband, my children, thinking of Kate and feeling..........grateful.
One week from tonight, Kate will be here! I can not wait to see her. I miss her so very much.
This week I paid off our disney trip package! I still can't believe we are actually going to Disney World in January! It's going to be amazing.
This post really isn't a long, rambling post about how bad I or my life are. It's sort of a boring account of today's events.
I am feeling sort of confused about something though. I've had people that used to be a huge part of my life seek me out and contact me again. One of these people used to be my best friend. I stopped communicating with her when I was going through an unexpected miscarriage and she was less than supportive. Atleast, that was my take on it. She had been through multiple miscarriages at that point and she didn't know I was pregnant. I may have very well have overreacted to her comments and tone with me. But really this was just the final thing in a bunch of things that had me thinking we no longer needed to be friends.
Anyway, she e-mailed me after we had not communicated in almost exactly two years. We had a great night of Iming, e-mailing pix to eachother and all seemed like we were sort of starting over and going to be friends again. But, she's all but stopped communicating with me this time and it has me wondering if she was just looking to do to me what I did to her. I feel angry, annoyed and frustrated. I also feel like I deserve whatever I get since I just stopped all communication with her instead of trying to explain how I felt to her.
Why would someone show up in your life again, acting like they and actually saying that they missed you and wanted to be a part of your life again and then just pretty much ignore you? Maybe she sensed how messed up I am these days. Who knows.
I just know that I can always count on Kit and my kids to love me. Kit will always be there for me and he loves me warts and all. He doesn't play with me and my feelings. I don't know why, but Kit thinks I am valuable. He is the only person in this world that I am pretty sure will always get my back. Other people seem to end up disappointing on some level. Even people that should never give up on you do. A good example of that would be my parents. But, enough about people disappointing you. I"m lucky to have Kit and my children, some people don't even have a spouse or anyone that they can completely trust. I am blessed.
Knowing this, makes me want to work even harder at elliminating the negative, destructive thoughts I have as well as resource how to heal my depression. I will find a way to heal,to feel true happiness (it's surrounds me, I just have to let myself embrace it).
I have valuable qualities I need to focus on. I've been so self-centered lately. I can focus on my family. I want to be the best wife and mom I can be. My family deserves the best!
I'll go ahead and set some goals for myself this week. I'll start out fairly easy and work up to more challenging goals as time goes on.
GOALS for this week!
1. Work out atleast 3 times this week. Including classes and or cardio.
2. Drink 8 glasses of water each day.
3. Pray daily.
4. Figure out atleast one thing for each day I can do for my kids and Kit to make their day better.
5. Each time I catch myself thinking a negative thought about myself, counter "attack" it with a positive thought about myself.
That is probably a good enough start for now. Today is the day I turn a corner. One of Kit's favorite movie quotes is from "the Shawshank Redemption" and it's "either get busy living or get busy dying". Today is the day I get busy living!
As I type this, I'm sitting next to our beautiful christmas tree that is all lit up. "It's a wonderful Life" is on the T.V. As I rock in my glider rocker with my laptop on my lap, I can look out my sliding glass door to see one of our neighbor's sailboats all lit up like a Christmas tree. We live on a canal that leads to the albemarle sound and lots of our neighbors have boatdocks. Tonight was our community's annual "Christmas boat parade". Rough place to live, huh?
Kit got to ride with the guys from his cycling team today. He's in the best physical shape I've ever known him to be in. He makes 40 look amazing! The guys rode a little over 30 miles in less than 2 hrs. and Kit had a "phenominal"time. Makes me happy to see him getting so much fulfillment with his cycling.
My step-dad sees a lot of movies. Like atleast 1-3 a week in the theatre. He works in a movie rental store "for fun" in his retirement. Movies, as well as books and music are his thing. He takes Maddie to the movies everytime a new movie for children comes out. Today he was taking Maddie to see Eragon. A new movie about a dragon and her rider.
Maddie LOVES dragons! That and dinosaurs are what she obsesses over these days. I decided to actually go to the movie with Maddie and dad today. Dad was pleasantly surprised and both he and Maddie seemed excited that I went with them. Made me feel good.
Kit made dinner tonight and we all sort of just hung out. It seemed good. Felt right. I found myself looking at my husband, my children, thinking of Kate and feeling..........grateful.
One week from tonight, Kate will be here! I can not wait to see her. I miss her so very much.
This week I paid off our disney trip package! I still can't believe we are actually going to Disney World in January! It's going to be amazing.
This post really isn't a long, rambling post about how bad I or my life are. It's sort of a boring account of today's events.
I am feeling sort of confused about something though. I've had people that used to be a huge part of my life seek me out and contact me again. One of these people used to be my best friend. I stopped communicating with her when I was going through an unexpected miscarriage and she was less than supportive. Atleast, that was my take on it. She had been through multiple miscarriages at that point and she didn't know I was pregnant. I may have very well have overreacted to her comments and tone with me. But really this was just the final thing in a bunch of things that had me thinking we no longer needed to be friends.
Anyway, she e-mailed me after we had not communicated in almost exactly two years. We had a great night of Iming, e-mailing pix to eachother and all seemed like we were sort of starting over and going to be friends again. But, she's all but stopped communicating with me this time and it has me wondering if she was just looking to do to me what I did to her. I feel angry, annoyed and frustrated. I also feel like I deserve whatever I get since I just stopped all communication with her instead of trying to explain how I felt to her.
Why would someone show up in your life again, acting like they and actually saying that they missed you and wanted to be a part of your life again and then just pretty much ignore you? Maybe she sensed how messed up I am these days. Who knows.
I just know that I can always count on Kit and my kids to love me. Kit will always be there for me and he loves me warts and all. He doesn't play with me and my feelings. I don't know why, but Kit thinks I am valuable. He is the only person in this world that I am pretty sure will always get my back. Other people seem to end up disappointing on some level. Even people that should never give up on you do. A good example of that would be my parents. But, enough about people disappointing you. I"m lucky to have Kit and my children, some people don't even have a spouse or anyone that they can completely trust. I am blessed.
Knowing this, makes me want to work even harder at elliminating the negative, destructive thoughts I have as well as resource how to heal my depression. I will find a way to heal,to feel true happiness (it's surrounds me, I just have to let myself embrace it).
I have valuable qualities I need to focus on. I've been so self-centered lately. I can focus on my family. I want to be the best wife and mom I can be. My family deserves the best!
I'll go ahead and set some goals for myself this week. I'll start out fairly easy and work up to more challenging goals as time goes on.
GOALS for this week!
1. Work out atleast 3 times this week. Including classes and or cardio.
2. Drink 8 glasses of water each day.
3. Pray daily.
4. Figure out atleast one thing for each day I can do for my kids and Kit to make their day better.
5. Each time I catch myself thinking a negative thought about myself, counter "attack" it with a positive thought about myself.
That is probably a good enough start for now. Today is the day I turn a corner. One of Kit's favorite movie quotes is from "the Shawshank Redemption" and it's "either get busy living or get busy dying". Today is the day I get busy living!
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Possible reasons I'm loosing my mind.
I have everything I wanted so, what the heck is my problem??? I've always been moody,emotional, yada yada.....Usually, when I get depressed I get over it. Right now, it's like I'm up against a brick wall.
I've been going back and forth sparring with depression pretty consistantly for most of my life. Since Jackson's birth, it's been a presence lurking in my life. After Jack-Jack was born, Kit was (and still is) amazingly supportive. We were worried that the drop in hormone levels would send my body into another post-partum flare. So, Kit stepped up big time to do all he could to get me rest.
Our stress of being new parents again was increased by having to unexpectedly take Jackson back to the hospital when he was 5 days old. He had a severe case of jaundice and had to be put in a "billi bassinette". I was allowed to room-in with him at the hospital. But, I was only allowed to hold him when he needed to be nursed. Poor little Jackson hated that "billi bassinette". They had him wear this blindfold across his eyes to protect them from the lights and they would draw blood by sticking him in the heel,multiple times a day. It was heartbreaking to see my newborn baby go through this. I literally stayed awake for the entire 3 days we were in there. No sleep,nada, zip.
When Jackson was given the green light to come home, we were given a "billi blanket" to keep him in constantly at home to keep his billi levels down. Thank goodness he slept a lot and seemed to not mind being wrapped up in that thing. Kit and I were both exhausted but relieved to have our baby home and be on the way to recovery.
The next day, Thurs. Feb 9,2006, Kit got a call from my mother saying that dad (my step-dad) was coming over to the house. Kit seemed uneasy and only told me that dad had some stuff to drop off for us.
When dad got here I asked him if everything was alright. My folks almost never stop by,certainly not unexpectedly like this. Dad told me at that point that "No, everything was not alright" and he motioned for me to sit down on the couch. Instantly my mind went to my mom and if she was ok. I sat on the couch, dad sat next to me and Kit sat infront of me on the coffee table. It was clear to me at that point that Kit already knew whatever my dad was about to tell me.
My dad looked at me and said, "Chris, your dad died." It took me a second to realize what he had just said. I think I started to cry a little but mostly I asked a bunch of questions. Evidently, the deal was that my real father's brother searched out my mom and contacted her earlier that day.
I'll refer to my real dad as "Bob" to try to keep this from getting confusing. Turns out, Bob was having dinner with his wife, Regina the previous Friday night(the day we first brought Jack-Jack home from the hospital)and began complaining of shortness of breath. He ended up collapsing on the floor and I guess the paramedics did all they could but he was gone by the time they got him to the hospital. He was 61 yrs.old.
This was a huge blow to me. I'll go into further dept about my relationship and ultimately my being disowned by Bob in another posting. But for now the reason I bring this up is because I think the death of Bob is another very heavy straw on my camel's back.
Kit was wonderful in trying to help me sort through the loss of my biological dad. But after a week or so, I felt like it was time to be "over it". I didn't think it was reasonable for me to continue to be sad and want to talk about him after that point. I'm not sure if I felt this way because of me or if Kit was giving off vibes to that nature or maybe a little bit of both.
Kit continued to be great in regards to helping with the kids. Kit would sleep on the couch with the baby, so I could get a good night's rest. He'd cook us dinner, he'd do Maddie's homework with her. Really, Kit stepped up to the plate in a big big way. I appreciate all he did and does to try to keep me ok.
After about a month, I was struggling with aniety attacks and depression. I just wasn't myself. We opened our restaurant in March. I hadn't planned on having to go back to work until April since I manage dinners and in the past, we opened just for breakfast and lunches for the first month.But we started out being open all day, so I went back to work about 3-4 weeks earlier than I had thought I'd have to. This really isn't a huge deal. But nowadays, even the littlest change in plans feels catastropic to me.
Working is probably what saved me from a complete breakdown at that point. I love my job. Being around people brings out the "happy me". I feel good when I'm around others. I really lucked out with me staff this year too. They were like family.
In may I got some rotten news that my lupus was flaring and this time it was in my CNS system. After high doses of steroids failed to help, I was put on outpatient chemotherapy. I was to get chemo every 4 weeks. It sucked!! I am lucky enough to have a job where they could work around my treatments. Although, Kit being my boss and my husband was only able to do just so much. I didn't want the kids to go to chemo with me, so Kit stayed at home with them and I took myself to chemo. It was during this period of time that I began to see how isolated and alone I really am in life. I've done it to myself. I still felt and continue to feel horribly lonely.
I managed to get through the chemo. I tried to be brave. I tried to come off to everyone like I was handling everything great. I wasn't. I didn't want Kit to worry, I didn't want the children to be afraid that I may die or something. I really put a lot of effort into making it look like I was incredibly strong, independant and brave.
The lupus does confusing and scary things to my brain. I forget things. I have trouble concentrating, I have a very short fuse (some of that is from steroids, some from the lupus and some is just me). I've begun to loose whatever confidence in myself I had. I think I come across as a ditzy person to others. I worry that people can see right through me to the neurotic nut I am.
I've isolated myself for so long that I've started to get social aniety when I'm going to see people. I'm ok at work for some reason, but all other environments I get very anxious.
I miss having friends and doing social things. I have only one friend and she is in PA. I haven't seen her since March.
Even though I was going through chemo this summer, I was determined to still give the kids a good summer. I think we managed to do ok with that. Two trips to Busch Gardens, put-putt, granddad took the girls to the movies. Kate and Maddie got to go to the beach and the pool fairly often.
When Kate went back to Pittsburgh at the end of the summer, I took it harder than usual. A couple weeks after she went back, Riley, my bestest pal in the whole world died. It was at this point that I started to sincerely wonder how much God thought I could take.
One month to the day after Riley died, Kate's grandmother, my ex-mom in law, died of pancreatic cancer.
I know I need "help"of the professional kind. I plan to get that going once we get back from our family vacation (the very first one in 10 yrs) in Feb. Right now I just feel so bad that I am behaving the way I am. I can not seem to push through this this time. I want to be happy. I want to be good for my family. I am at this point truly "ragged out". I look old, frumpy and ugly. I can't seem to motivate myself to do anything.
I wake up in the am usually to the sounds of Jack-Jack whining out in the living room with Kit. Most of the time I wake up with the best of intentions. Like, today I'm going to go take that class at theY, I'm going to clean the house and enjoy my day. But something seems to throw me off.Sometimes, it's something reasonable with my physical health. Like a lupus headache or a seizure. That is on some level, valid. But, more often these days, it's just that I am completely overwhelmed with sadness, tears, exhaustion, fear, anxiety.
The other night Kit and I had a great talk. I kept trying to figure out why that talk went so well when almost all the other attempts I make at reaching out to him fail miserably. He told me that night that I was coming across better.Not like I was going to attack him. He said when we communicate that way he feels more connected to me. The things he said to me that night meant so much. Now,I just can't seem to figure out how to act whatever way it was that lets him open up to me.
I woke up this morning and thought hey,maybe Kit and I could go ride our bikes together.Since Melissa is here, maybe she could watch the baby. But I felt like everytime I tried to start a conversation with Kit or just to engage with him, I felt like I was putting him out. Within minutes of seeing him, I'd talked myself out of all the stuff I thought I'd wanted to do today. He's out on his bike now and I'm in my cave (my bedroom) while Melissa watches Jackson. I can't stop crying. I feel like throwing up. I'm a mess.
I'm wasting Kit's Christmas vacation acting like a stupid idiot. I wouldn't want to be around me either. I just don't have any idea how to stop doing this.
Right now I just want to feel a connection to my family. But,I'm so busy sabotaging everything and pushing everyone away. Why can't I stop this.
The other night Maddie and I were watching an old family video of Kate's first year of life. There were great parts of it with Riley. Maddie made some comment about how "skinny" I was after Katy was born. and she was curious as to why I still had "baby fat" from Jackson. I'mthinking Jeez, couldn't be all the chemo and steroids and all. No, I'm just lazy. I hate everything about myself. But then when I mentioned it to Kit, Kit's comment was that I am so "ragged out" because I'm married to him. Well, there ya go. I truly do look like crap. It's not just me being hard on myself and insecure.
Please God, I need help. Major help. I can not see my place in this family let alone the world. I hurt so badly on the inside. If I don't get this figured out and fix it I'm going to loose everything. Even Kit can only take so much. I am not any good to him or the kids. I don't want to loose Kit and my children. I love them so much. But,I'm such a weak mess, I deserve to be alone. I deserve to not have all the blessings I have in my life. My father"Bob"was right about me. I am an embarrassment. I contribute nothing to those I love. I've let myself go and can't expect my husband to be attracted to what I've become.
I just want to curl up in my husbands arms and feel loved. But, right now he'd have to be crazy to want to spend time with me. I will get through this. I'm not giving up. I will somehow get it together.
I've been going back and forth sparring with depression pretty consistantly for most of my life. Since Jackson's birth, it's been a presence lurking in my life. After Jack-Jack was born, Kit was (and still is) amazingly supportive. We were worried that the drop in hormone levels would send my body into another post-partum flare. So, Kit stepped up big time to do all he could to get me rest.
Our stress of being new parents again was increased by having to unexpectedly take Jackson back to the hospital when he was 5 days old. He had a severe case of jaundice and had to be put in a "billi bassinette". I was allowed to room-in with him at the hospital. But, I was only allowed to hold him when he needed to be nursed. Poor little Jackson hated that "billi bassinette". They had him wear this blindfold across his eyes to protect them from the lights and they would draw blood by sticking him in the heel,multiple times a day. It was heartbreaking to see my newborn baby go through this. I literally stayed awake for the entire 3 days we were in there. No sleep,nada, zip.
When Jackson was given the green light to come home, we were given a "billi blanket" to keep him in constantly at home to keep his billi levels down. Thank goodness he slept a lot and seemed to not mind being wrapped up in that thing. Kit and I were both exhausted but relieved to have our baby home and be on the way to recovery.
The next day, Thurs. Feb 9,2006, Kit got a call from my mother saying that dad (my step-dad) was coming over to the house. Kit seemed uneasy and only told me that dad had some stuff to drop off for us.
When dad got here I asked him if everything was alright. My folks almost never stop by,certainly not unexpectedly like this. Dad told me at that point that "No, everything was not alright" and he motioned for me to sit down on the couch. Instantly my mind went to my mom and if she was ok. I sat on the couch, dad sat next to me and Kit sat infront of me on the coffee table. It was clear to me at that point that Kit already knew whatever my dad was about to tell me.
My dad looked at me and said, "Chris, your dad died." It took me a second to realize what he had just said. I think I started to cry a little but mostly I asked a bunch of questions. Evidently, the deal was that my real father's brother searched out my mom and contacted her earlier that day.
I'll refer to my real dad as "Bob" to try to keep this from getting confusing. Turns out, Bob was having dinner with his wife, Regina the previous Friday night(the day we first brought Jack-Jack home from the hospital)and began complaining of shortness of breath. He ended up collapsing on the floor and I guess the paramedics did all they could but he was gone by the time they got him to the hospital. He was 61 yrs.old.
This was a huge blow to me. I'll go into further dept about my relationship and ultimately my being disowned by Bob in another posting. But for now the reason I bring this up is because I think the death of Bob is another very heavy straw on my camel's back.
Kit was wonderful in trying to help me sort through the loss of my biological dad. But after a week or so, I felt like it was time to be "over it". I didn't think it was reasonable for me to continue to be sad and want to talk about him after that point. I'm not sure if I felt this way because of me or if Kit was giving off vibes to that nature or maybe a little bit of both.
Kit continued to be great in regards to helping with the kids. Kit would sleep on the couch with the baby, so I could get a good night's rest. He'd cook us dinner, he'd do Maddie's homework with her. Really, Kit stepped up to the plate in a big big way. I appreciate all he did and does to try to keep me ok.
After about a month, I was struggling with aniety attacks and depression. I just wasn't myself. We opened our restaurant in March. I hadn't planned on having to go back to work until April since I manage dinners and in the past, we opened just for breakfast and lunches for the first month.But we started out being open all day, so I went back to work about 3-4 weeks earlier than I had thought I'd have to. This really isn't a huge deal. But nowadays, even the littlest change in plans feels catastropic to me.
Working is probably what saved me from a complete breakdown at that point. I love my job. Being around people brings out the "happy me". I feel good when I'm around others. I really lucked out with me staff this year too. They were like family.
In may I got some rotten news that my lupus was flaring and this time it was in my CNS system. After high doses of steroids failed to help, I was put on outpatient chemotherapy. I was to get chemo every 4 weeks. It sucked!! I am lucky enough to have a job where they could work around my treatments. Although, Kit being my boss and my husband was only able to do just so much. I didn't want the kids to go to chemo with me, so Kit stayed at home with them and I took myself to chemo. It was during this period of time that I began to see how isolated and alone I really am in life. I've done it to myself. I still felt and continue to feel horribly lonely.
I managed to get through the chemo. I tried to be brave. I tried to come off to everyone like I was handling everything great. I wasn't. I didn't want Kit to worry, I didn't want the children to be afraid that I may die or something. I really put a lot of effort into making it look like I was incredibly strong, independant and brave.
The lupus does confusing and scary things to my brain. I forget things. I have trouble concentrating, I have a very short fuse (some of that is from steroids, some from the lupus and some is just me). I've begun to loose whatever confidence in myself I had. I think I come across as a ditzy person to others. I worry that people can see right through me to the neurotic nut I am.
I've isolated myself for so long that I've started to get social aniety when I'm going to see people. I'm ok at work for some reason, but all other environments I get very anxious.
I miss having friends and doing social things. I have only one friend and she is in PA. I haven't seen her since March.
Even though I was going through chemo this summer, I was determined to still give the kids a good summer. I think we managed to do ok with that. Two trips to Busch Gardens, put-putt, granddad took the girls to the movies. Kate and Maddie got to go to the beach and the pool fairly often.
When Kate went back to Pittsburgh at the end of the summer, I took it harder than usual. A couple weeks after she went back, Riley, my bestest pal in the whole world died. It was at this point that I started to sincerely wonder how much God thought I could take.
One month to the day after Riley died, Kate's grandmother, my ex-mom in law, died of pancreatic cancer.
I know I need "help"of the professional kind. I plan to get that going once we get back from our family vacation (the very first one in 10 yrs) in Feb. Right now I just feel so bad that I am behaving the way I am. I can not seem to push through this this time. I want to be happy. I want to be good for my family. I am at this point truly "ragged out". I look old, frumpy and ugly. I can't seem to motivate myself to do anything.
I wake up in the am usually to the sounds of Jack-Jack whining out in the living room with Kit. Most of the time I wake up with the best of intentions. Like, today I'm going to go take that class at theY, I'm going to clean the house and enjoy my day. But something seems to throw me off.Sometimes, it's something reasonable with my physical health. Like a lupus headache or a seizure. That is on some level, valid. But, more often these days, it's just that I am completely overwhelmed with sadness, tears, exhaustion, fear, anxiety.
The other night Kit and I had a great talk. I kept trying to figure out why that talk went so well when almost all the other attempts I make at reaching out to him fail miserably. He told me that night that I was coming across better.Not like I was going to attack him. He said when we communicate that way he feels more connected to me. The things he said to me that night meant so much. Now,I just can't seem to figure out how to act whatever way it was that lets him open up to me.
I woke up this morning and thought hey,maybe Kit and I could go ride our bikes together.Since Melissa is here, maybe she could watch the baby. But I felt like everytime I tried to start a conversation with Kit or just to engage with him, I felt like I was putting him out. Within minutes of seeing him, I'd talked myself out of all the stuff I thought I'd wanted to do today. He's out on his bike now and I'm in my cave (my bedroom) while Melissa watches Jackson. I can't stop crying. I feel like throwing up. I'm a mess.
I'm wasting Kit's Christmas vacation acting like a stupid idiot. I wouldn't want to be around me either. I just don't have any idea how to stop doing this.
Right now I just want to feel a connection to my family. But,I'm so busy sabotaging everything and pushing everyone away. Why can't I stop this.
The other night Maddie and I were watching an old family video of Kate's first year of life. There were great parts of it with Riley. Maddie made some comment about how "skinny" I was after Katy was born. and she was curious as to why I still had "baby fat" from Jackson. I'mthinking Jeez, couldn't be all the chemo and steroids and all. No, I'm just lazy. I hate everything about myself. But then when I mentioned it to Kit, Kit's comment was that I am so "ragged out" because I'm married to him. Well, there ya go. I truly do look like crap. It's not just me being hard on myself and insecure.
Please God, I need help. Major help. I can not see my place in this family let alone the world. I hurt so badly on the inside. If I don't get this figured out and fix it I'm going to loose everything. Even Kit can only take so much. I am not any good to him or the kids. I don't want to loose Kit and my children. I love them so much. But,I'm such a weak mess, I deserve to be alone. I deserve to not have all the blessings I have in my life. My father"Bob"was right about me. I am an embarrassment. I contribute nothing to those I love. I've let myself go and can't expect my husband to be attracted to what I've become.
I just want to curl up in my husbands arms and feel loved. But, right now he'd have to be crazy to want to spend time with me. I will get through this. I'm not giving up. I will somehow get it together.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Look out Disney, here we come!
