It's been a while.

It's been a while. .....
Things have been evolving. Into what, I'm not exactly sure yet, but I think things in general are getting better. After 12 days in the local hospital for a nasty bout with what the docs say was acute pancreatitis due to the steroids I take for my lupus I came home to recover while Kit made the transition from his former job to his new job. Big transition for him (and as it works out, me too) after running restaurants for 20 yrs. he now is in management training for our local (although they have hundreds of stores) grocery store chain. The benefits and opportunities for advancement are soooo much better than what we had before. They say they average 10 hr. work days and 5 day work weeks for the most part. I'm taking the "wait and see" approach but so far it seems to be pretty much what they say.
Kit seems to be making this transition seamlessly. That's my husband. He's smart, he works hard and he can adapt to almost anything. He doesn't look beaten down when he walks in the door from work. He says the job is a lot more managing and a lot less working positions which is good. He seems to like it. So, I'm.......................relieved and a little happy and optimistic. Although, I still have this knot in my stomach. Could be left over pancreatitis junk or the ulcers they found in my stomach with all the tests they put me through or it could be my almost constant level of anxiety. Could be just about anything.
Jackson turns 15 months today! Happy b-day little man! He is getting sooo big and he's definitely all boy! He is on a Daddy kick ever since I was in the hospital and misses him horribly during the day now that Da da is at work most of his awake time. He gets so ticked off so easily and he will walk right by me during one of his freak out sessions as if he would rather a big ole man eating t-rex was there to comfort him rather than me. I'm not bent about it though. I remember these ma-ma,da-da phases and how they change. I'm more thrown off by his change in daily schedule, now just one nap a lot later in the am, than I am about his seeming to want nothing to do with me.
Other breaking news, I'm meeting with one of the YMCA camp directors tomorrow to talk about me helping out with the kids drama camp. I was thrilled when she called and it seemed she was looking for me to take a big part of this project on. So, I'm not going to try to guess what I'm getting myself into yet. Whatever it is, it's going to be a positive thing in my and probably the kids summer and I'm determined to see this through. I find excuses to walk away and quit so much in life. Which has probably gotten me to this place in life.
I know I've written about changing in prior posts. I've pondered if it's worth it to try. I've decided it's worth it. My biological father said that people are supposed to change as they get older. He meant it to be a positive thing and his point was to continue to learn and grow as we get closer to the inevitable. Funny, I don't think he really believed or got that concept. Atleast, not in regards to me and from the last time I saw him 6 yrs. prior to his dying, not in regards to himself. Although, I will continue to pray that someday I'll get to see him and make peace with him. Not in the hot place either.
Rediculous that I can't seem to shake the continual daughter just wanting her dad's approval or atleast his love. Sigh, that demon continues to haunt me in more ways than I can verbalize.
Kate comes for the summer in a month and I can't wait to have her here. I still have to put "her room" together. This is the first time she won't be forced to share a room with Maddie. I know she is looking forward to this. Maddie really gets under her skin. Could be because Maddie is a 8 yr old little "part-time" sister who won't leave her alone. Maddie on the other hand probably is gonna miss having Kate on that top bunk in their room.
Now, that Melissa has moved on, we have an extra room for Kate to be on her own. Besides, it's time. Speaking of Melissa, Keeper's remains vacant and closed and as far as I know, still owned by Rufus and Roxi Pritchard. I think I'm finally almost over my job there ending the way it did. I hope to keep in contact with those from Keeper's that got close to our family ( ie: Lindy, Stacey, Melissa...........etc). For a while there I was feeling like I had lost the only thing I did worth anything. I guess, because I equated my value directly to the paycheck and my positive affect on the employees and the guests who walked into that place. I'm realizing now that maybe I have some worth here at home with the kids. Just because some days are rougher than others with my health doesn't make me a bad mom. I've told myself multiple times a minute in my head for a really long time that I have no worth and I'm a bad mother. I'm trying really hard to fight those and the rest of the negative self-talk (both in my head as well as outloud). A lot if not most of it is crap that becomes a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. Ya hear something enough even if it's from yourself, you start to believe it. I love my kids. They need me. I love my husband and all of us together make a family. It isn't perfect. But, as I get older I see that the truth is nobody has that "perfect" life. It may look that way. God knows, I try to convey that I'm really ok to the world. I want everyone to think I've got it all together. I don't know why. I think I may be ok right now. I need work. But hey, who doesn't. Point is, I'm working on it. Everyday is another step. Sometimes I screw up. Sometimes I don't. But, I'll keep trying.
Lupus is not what I am. It's something I have. It's not an excuse for me to give up on people and life in general. It's not ok for me to tell myself my family and friends are better off without me. My family loves me and like my mom told me before I was admitted to the hospital, whatever I can give them of myself is good enough. Yes, my mom said something positive to me. Sometimes, I stay in bed when I don't really need to. I'm trying to stop that. I'm trying everyday to give whatever I can give to the kids and Kit. I'm still running with only some of my engines, but I think running at all is better than avoiding. I may still need to catch a nap here and there or sleep in if I get the chance. But that doesn't have to mean an "all day, Mom's down for the count event".
Well, Jackson is up from his nap and my time is up. Gotta run. Good to be back. Thanks gang (Kit and little ones) for not giving up on me yet.