Close to crazy!

I should be sleeping. Already took my meds and all. I feel sick inside. Man, I am so far from the person I mistakingly thought I was. It's shocking really. You know, you think "I'm and OK person". Could always be better, but yet still a decent person.
Tonight I re-realized that I am a crappy excuse for a mother to my oldest daughter Kate. I can't seem to put the junk behind me and get moving forward. She is 12 and I am to her...................as Kit says "part-time". I am her mother. I will always be her mother. But just having that title means pretty much nothing if you don't behave like a mom should.
I love Kate. I love my kids all the same. But when Kate goes back to Pittsburgh with her dad, It's like I shut down that part of myself. Sure there are the occasional phone calls and e-mails. But I really feel like I am a big, not much in her life. It breaks my heart. It hurts even more to know that I created that situation completely on my own.
Is is too late to turn things around there? Just like my last blog, you get to where you wonder if you should even try changing. Or are you destined to be whatever it is you've become. What if you hate who and what you've become?
My depression just seems to be worsening. I believe I need a doctor. A real one, that can not only do "talk therapy" but also do meds too. There must be something chemically wrong with me to be the way I am.
Tonight and lately, I've been feeling a sense of urgency to start the wheels of change actually rolling in the correct direction. I'm not sure exactly how I'll go about that. I just know I can't keep on keepin on like this. I'm close to crazy. Or maybe I'm already there.