Possible reasons I'm loosing my mind.

I have everything I wanted so, what the heck is my problem??? I've always been moody,emotional, yada yada.....Usually, when I get depressed I get over it. Right now, it's like I'm up against a brick wall.
I've been going back and forth sparring with depression pretty consistantly for most of my life. Since Jackson's birth, it's been a presence lurking in my life. After Jack-Jack was born, Kit was (and still is) amazingly supportive. We were worried that the drop in hormone levels would send my body into another post-partum flare. So, Kit stepped up big time to do all he could to get me rest.
Our stress of being new parents again was increased by having to unexpectedly take Jackson back to the hospital when he was 5 days old. He had a severe case of jaundice and had to be put in a "billi bassinette". I was allowed to room-in with him at the hospital. But, I was only allowed to hold him when he needed to be nursed. Poor little Jackson hated that "billi bassinette". They had him wear this blindfold across his eyes to protect them from the lights and they would draw blood by sticking him in the heel,multiple times a day. It was heartbreaking to see my newborn baby go through this. I literally stayed awake for the entire 3 days we were in there. No sleep,nada, zip.
When Jackson was given the green light to come home, we were given a "billi blanket" to keep him in constantly at home to keep his billi levels down. Thank goodness he slept a lot and seemed to not mind being wrapped up in that thing. Kit and I were both exhausted but relieved to have our baby home and be on the way to recovery.
The next day, Thurs. Feb 9,2006, Kit got a call from my mother saying that dad (my step-dad) was coming over to the house. Kit seemed uneasy and only told me that dad had some stuff to drop off for us.
When dad got here I asked him if everything was alright. My folks almost never stop by,certainly not unexpectedly like this. Dad told me at that point that "No, everything was not alright" and he motioned for me to sit down on the couch. Instantly my mind went to my mom and if she was ok. I sat on the couch, dad sat next to me and Kit sat infront of me on the coffee table. It was clear to me at that point that Kit already knew whatever my dad was about to tell me.
My dad looked at me and said, "Chris, your dad died." It took me a second to realize what he had just said. I think I started to cry a little but mostly I asked a bunch of questions. Evidently, the deal was that my real father's brother searched out my mom and contacted her earlier that day.
I'll refer to my real dad as "Bob" to try to keep this from getting confusing. Turns out, Bob was having dinner with his wife, Regina the previous Friday night(the day we first brought Jack-Jack home from the hospital)and began complaining of shortness of breath. He ended up collapsing on the floor and I guess the paramedics did all they could but he was gone by the time they got him to the hospital. He was 61 yrs.old.
This was a huge blow to me. I'll go into further dept about my relationship and ultimately my being disowned by Bob in another posting. But for now the reason I bring this up is because I think the death of Bob is another very heavy straw on my camel's back.
Kit was wonderful in trying to help me sort through the loss of my biological dad. But after a week or so, I felt like it was time to be "over it". I didn't think it was reasonable for me to continue to be sad and want to talk about him after that point. I'm not sure if I felt this way because of me or if Kit was giving off vibes to that nature or maybe a little bit of both.
Kit continued to be great in regards to helping with the kids. Kit would sleep on the couch with the baby, so I could get a good night's rest. He'd cook us dinner, he'd do Maddie's homework with her. Really, Kit stepped up to the plate in a big big way. I appreciate all he did and does to try to keep me ok.
After about a month, I was struggling with aniety attacks and depression. I just wasn't myself. We opened our restaurant in March. I hadn't planned on having to go back to work until April since I manage dinners and in the past, we opened just for breakfast and lunches for the first month.But we started out being open all day, so I went back to work about 3-4 weeks earlier than I had thought I'd have to. This really isn't a huge deal. But nowadays, even the littlest change in plans feels catastropic to me.
Working is probably what saved me from a complete breakdown at that point. I love my job. Being around people brings out the "happy me". I feel good when I'm around others. I really lucked out with me staff this year too. They were like family.
In may I got some rotten news that my lupus was flaring and this time it was in my CNS system. After high doses of steroids failed to help, I was put on outpatient chemotherapy. I was to get chemo every 4 weeks. It sucked!! I am lucky enough to have a job where they could work around my treatments. Although, Kit being my boss and my husband was only able to do just so much. I didn't want the kids to go to chemo with me, so Kit stayed at home with them and I took myself to chemo. It was during this period of time that I began to see how isolated and alone I really am in life. I've done it to myself. I still felt and continue to feel horribly lonely.
I managed to get through the chemo. I tried to be brave. I tried to come off to everyone like I was handling everything great. I wasn't. I didn't want Kit to worry, I didn't want the children to be afraid that I may die or something. I really put a lot of effort into making it look like I was incredibly strong, independant and brave.
The lupus does confusing and scary things to my brain. I forget things. I have trouble concentrating, I have a very short fuse (some of that is from steroids, some from the lupus and some is just me). I've begun to loose whatever confidence in myself I had. I think I come across as a ditzy person to others. I worry that people can see right through me to the neurotic nut I am.
I've isolated myself for so long that I've started to get social aniety when I'm going to see people. I'm ok at work for some reason, but all other environments I get very anxious.
I miss having friends and doing social things. I have only one friend and she is in PA. I haven't seen her since March.
Even though I was going through chemo this summer, I was determined to still give the kids a good summer. I think we managed to do ok with that. Two trips to Busch Gardens, put-putt, granddad took the girls to the movies. Kate and Maddie got to go to the beach and the pool fairly often.
When Kate went back to Pittsburgh at the end of the summer, I took it harder than usual. A couple weeks after she went back, Riley, my bestest pal in the whole world died. It was at this point that I started to sincerely wonder how much God thought I could take.
One month to the day after Riley died, Kate's grandmother, my ex-mom in law, died of pancreatic cancer.
I know I need "help"of the professional kind. I plan to get that going once we get back from our family vacation (the very first one in 10 yrs) in Feb. Right now I just feel so bad that I am behaving the way I am. I can not seem to push through this this time. I want to be happy. I want to be good for my family. I am at this point truly "ragged out". I look old, frumpy and ugly. I can't seem to motivate myself to do anything.
I wake up in the am usually to the sounds of Jack-Jack whining out in the living room with Kit. Most of the time I wake up with the best of intentions. Like, today I'm going to go take that class at theY, I'm going to clean the house and enjoy my day. But something seems to throw me off.Sometimes, it's something reasonable with my physical health. Like a lupus headache or a seizure. That is on some level, valid. But, more often these days, it's just that I am completely overwhelmed with sadness, tears, exhaustion, fear, anxiety.
The other night Kit and I had a great talk. I kept trying to figure out why that talk went so well when almost all the other attempts I make at reaching out to him fail miserably. He told me that night that I was coming across better.Not like I was going to attack him. He said when we communicate that way he feels more connected to me. The things he said to me that night meant so much. Now,I just can't seem to figure out how to act whatever way it was that lets him open up to me.
I woke up this morning and thought hey,maybe Kit and I could go ride our bikes together.Since Melissa is here, maybe she could watch the baby. But I felt like everytime I tried to start a conversation with Kit or just to engage with him, I felt like I was putting him out. Within minutes of seeing him, I'd talked myself out of all the stuff I thought I'd wanted to do today. He's out on his bike now and I'm in my cave (my bedroom) while Melissa watches Jackson. I can't stop crying. I feel like throwing up. I'm a mess.
I'm wasting Kit's Christmas vacation acting like a stupid idiot. I wouldn't want to be around me either. I just don't have any idea how to stop doing this.
Right now I just want to feel a connection to my family. But,I'm so busy sabotaging everything and pushing everyone away. Why can't I stop this.
The other night Maddie and I were watching an old family video of Kate's first year of life. There were great parts of it with Riley. Maddie made some comment about how "skinny" I was after Katy was born. and she was curious as to why I still had "baby fat" from Jackson. I'mthinking Jeez, couldn't be all the chemo and steroids and all. No, I'm just lazy. I hate everything about myself. But then when I mentioned it to Kit, Kit's comment was that I am so "ragged out" because I'm married to him. Well, there ya go. I truly do look like crap. It's not just me being hard on myself and insecure.
Please God, I need help. Major help. I can not see my place in this family let alone the world. I hurt so badly on the inside. If I don't get this figured out and fix it I'm going to loose everything. Even Kit can only take so much. I am not any good to him or the kids. I don't want to loose Kit and my children. I love them so much. But,I'm such a weak mess, I deserve to be alone. I deserve to not have all the blessings I have in my life. My father"Bob"was right about me. I am an embarrassment. I contribute nothing to those I love. I've let myself go and can't expect my husband to be attracted to what I've become.
I just want to curl up in my husbands arms and feel loved. But, right now he'd have to be crazy to want to spend time with me. I will get through this. I'm not giving up. I will somehow get it together.