Stinkin thinkin

Who am I? I know the first things that come to mind when I ask myself that question, but it's stuff that I do, not WHO I am. I always thought by the time I got to the age I'm at now, that I'd have myself and the world figured out.
I knew from the time I was a little girl that I wanted to be a wife and mother. I didn't expect that I wouldn't be fantastic at it. Not that I'm the world's worst mom, I'm just and ok mom. I'm actually a really rotten wife.
But this post isn't about putting myself down. I've got that negative thought process down to a t tee. It's about figuring out how to change my thinking patterns, it's about finding the me deep down inside (I know that is there), and finding the courage to let her out. Man, I know I'd be so much more fulfilled and hopefully find happiness.
I don't want to be so controlling anymore. I want to "let go" and GOD.. Cheezy but true. I want to be more concerned about peace, harmony, love and fun (yes definitely) in our family more than I want to be right.
There is a lot of work to do but with God all things are truly possible. I know I'm trying to break out of this huge depression. But tonight, I feel...........hope. Such a wonderful feeling.
I know and I am ready to start taking care of me so that I can be better to take care of my family.
Things like taking vitamins and eating good for me foods.
drinking lots of water. I'm horrible at that. I never stay hydrated and now it's so important.
I have to find a way some how atleast 4-5 days a week to get cardio in. It makes me feel so much better once I get going.
I want to feel good about the way I look, not embarrassed. I want to tone up, get healthy and let those lovely exercise endophins bring out the real Chris.



I love. I truly love. The deep down, would die for someone love. Like my family of course. I love to laugh and tell funny stories. I used to like to dance in the rain and do crazy things. Now, I know I'm an adult now and I shouldn't act too much like a lunatic if I want to stay out of the psych ward.
Here is the really sad part. I don't know if my children, husband, friends, etc....know how much I love them and how important they are to me.
I've let bitterness, my need to control (because of my fear of trusting) overtake all my good feelings. I have a lot of positive qualities to add to my family, friends and church. The Lord has a plan for my life and I'm ready to start living how he wants me to live.
I watch Kit when he sleeps sometimes and I think about how much I just want to crawl up into his arms and tell him how much I appreciate and love him and how I am determined to find the Chris he fell in love with. Of course I won't be exactly the same. But my family deserves so much more, so much more fun and a lot less fear from.
I'm going to continue with counseling and working on my relationship with the Lord and see which way he points me. I need his help in biting my tongue when I start to criticize or say something or do something hurtful towards anyone.
I have gotten so afraid of vulnerability, abandonment and other stuff that I push people away. This is stupid. People will come and go in my life. It's life. Hopefully, if I just start digging and working on myself, and let go..........people will see that underneath all that pain and my awful way of treating people, there is a good woman. A woman who has passions and talents and has the capability to LOVE. I know this will take a while. Mostly for others to believe I'm really working on seriously changing.
I love Kit so very much. I want us to have peace and harmony and just find a friendship between us somewhere. I don't want us to be afraid of eachother anymore.
I start tonight with my thoughts and this will be a constant ongoing battle and I ask for any prayers of anyone that may have read this. When some negative comment jumps into my head, I immediately replace it with a positive one. I look forward everyday to Kit coming home, and then once he walks through the door you know what I do. I put my walls up and I give him a cool reception. When inside I'm screaming, "just hug him Chris". Tell him the truth that you missed him during the day and show my happiness at having him home.
I know real happiness is out there and I'm finally realizing that it isn't just changing myself to please Kit. Because first of all, thats not what he wants. He wants me to truly find happiness no matter what that may mean. But I have made excuses for so long for why I don't dust those old talents and passions of mine and put them to use somehow. I'll pray about it and see if maybe the Lord can use me in those ways. If that is not his will then I just pray that he shows me which way he wants me to go.
I had secretly been working on a children's play and I had forgotten how much I loved writing and of course how much I love both directing and acting. I LOVED doing weekly acting /improv workshops with high school kids at a large church Kit and I belonged to and I know I've probably mentioned it before. I was so proud of that. And doing that made me beyond happy. The way the Lord showed me to use performing arts to lead teens to the Lord and how he led me closer to him in the process was incredible.
Like I said, I know the Lord has big plans for my life. The life I"m living and the way I'm living it now is not in his plan. I pray that he will guide me and continue to draw me to him and his word.
First baby step is the stinkin thinkin. Then, I'll slowly but persistantly add the changes as the Lord guides me through. Thank you Lord Jesus for being in my life and bringing to my attention so clearly, that just because I have Lupus, I AM NOT LUPUS!! I am Chris. Look out world I can't wait for you to meet the real me.