Tough day.

Today has gotten worse. Kit and I had a good week. I actually was pushed (practically) out the door on both Kit's day's off to go do "family stuff". Once I got out, I felt human. Like the old Chris. It's just getting out that is the hard part.
I'm always afraid I'm going to embarrass myself by saying something stupid or Lord forbid, having a seizure in front of someone.
I felt embarrassed that the night the paramedics took me out of my home into the ambulance, I looked over and saw Pastor Andy and Steve standing there. I hate for people to see me like that.
So, anyway, my pain is about an 11 on a 1-10 and I'm exhausted. Just a way of life for me. Unfortunately, I feel like I'm not handling my disease and all that goes with it very poorly.
I feel beyond depressed. I feel almost hopeless and worst of all, I've lost faith.
I'm left all day with the kids while Kit has to go to work and I used to be able to handle all that no problem. But since the seizures (which have stopped) since a new medication, I think my brain has suffered some serious problems.
I don't want to be a mom right now. I don't want to be a wife right now. I feel worthless and I don't know how much more I can take.
I've made an appt. with a therapist I used to see, for this Wednesday and hopefully she can start a course of direction for me. Because I just can not live like this.
My only identity is as a mom and wife. I used to be such a great actress, dancer and I was told I was the best motivational/acting workshop leader that our old Pastor had ever seen. But those days are gone and now my only responsibility is to take care of the kids and be a "wife". I have nothing in my life that is for me and I'm way beyond resenting that fact. It just is the way it is.
Oh well, things can only get better.
I'll hang in the best I can