Letting go of letting others dictate my emotions and my moods.

Today I'm feeling better. I did lots of housework yesterday and so I was tired and achy today. But thanks to Kate, I got to rest all afternoon and now I feel much better.
Kate deleted her old myspace page. Now she has a new one with nothing but My Chemical Romance stuff on it. She has no mention of her family or friends on the new page and has not included any pix of either of those things on her new page either. Oh well. I guess the lack of important priorities comes with the age. Atleast, I hope that is all it is. For the most part, Kate has been awesome. She is a huge help and her attitude has been really good around here. She adores her little bro and is sooo good with him. She does everything I ask of her and she even seems to be tolerating Maddie better than usual.
The last few days have been much better with Kit. But, when I got up this am, the dynamic had switched back to mildly uncomfortable and it seemed Kit had closed me off again. I get so exhausted trying to anticipate and keep up with his moods. When he is open and interested in speaking with me, things feel so much better around here. But then he clams up and I feel so reactive. I get sick inside. He has a habbit of closing off to me, when it's my fault and even when it's not. So, I have no way of telling if it's my fault or not. Either way it hurts and I'm so tired of it.
Just when I start to feel comfortable and secure.....................the bottom falls out. I texted him, but of course, he didn't respond. He manages to respond when he is in a good place. Otherwise, he doesn't hesitate to ignore me. It hurts my feelings and I am sick of my happiness being so dependent on whether Kit is in a good mood or not.
I try to encourage him to ride his bike. It makes him happy and a lot less stressed to be around. I try to help out and do my part around here. Especially lately, I've really been trying. I just feel so worn out, used up and old.
I want so badly to feel pretty, valuable and worth something to someone. The kids love me. That is awesome. But right now, I just want to go get a restaurant job. Kit has made it clear to me that KG is not an option for me. He says Pam wouldn't take me back. Guess he thinks I really am a rotten server. But whatever, I was a server and bartender way before MR. restaurant know-it-all was in my life and I managed quite well. Thank you very much. I think he just doesn't want me at KG for his own personal reasons. But whatever, I'll find a better job somewhere else. Maybe a bartending gig later at night. Somewhere where my personality can make money for me. Somewhere where I don't feel ugly and unimportant and failing all the time. Kit thinks I can't do anything. I guess I've given him plenty of reason to think that. But I'm ready to do well again for myself. I'll make money so that we can have some sort of quality of life. i will find a way to be a hero for my kids and help us to have breathing room. Someone in this family has to do it. I'd like for it to be me.
I look in the mirror when I put my make-up on (what little 4 yr old stuff I have left) and put on whatever decent clothes I can find (I have nothing that fits and isn't years old) but when I try, I am a slightly attractive woman. I have a good personality. For so long, I've thought I'm used up and ugly. I took pity on Kit for having to be married to me. Well, it seems, I feel better about myself when I go out around strangers and people think I'm interesting, fun, funny, smart and cute. I never feel those feelings at home. I feel ignored and when the good days come, I get so excited and happy. Maybe this time things will stay like this for a while. Ya know, where I can actually be myself with Kit. Let my guard down and be flirty and cute and have fun in my own family. But it seems, always, it's only a matter of time, until Kit returns to his closed off, emotionally gone self. It still hurts everytime. You'd think I'd be used to it by now.
I know I have problems. I'm really working on those. I continue to try to get better and be the best wife and mom I can be. It's never enough to keep Kit open to me emotionally for any extended time. I'll keep trying though.
But, I'm not just a wife and a mom. I'm not just a lupus patient. There is a me in here. Someone who wants and deserves a life outside of just being here to make it possible for Kit to follow his career path and his cycling dreams. I used to have dreams too. I used to have friends. I want those things again. I matter. I matter to myself and I just have to find myself again. It just seems that whatever I want for myself is not realistic because whatever Kit wants and needs comes first.
Except for anything related to my sickness. That Kit works around the best he can. I'm pretty sure he hates me for it. It's not exactly like when I"m crying by myself in bed due to the physical and emotional pain, he holds me in his arms. Hell, I'm lucky if he looks me in the eye during those times. I sit by myself and I feel isolated and alone. I've done that all along and it makes me angry. He says he's not mad at me. That he knows it's not my fault. Maybe his brain should communicate that with his body language. I feel like he thinks I'm good for nothing.
I'm going to get a job that pays well. I'm going to make enough money to catch up our bills and take the kids to Busch Gardens. I'm sick of sitting around this house all the time waiting on Kit. My life is flying by and I've waisted 10 years being sick and depressed. Kit's opinion isn't the only opinion out there.
I"m going to refocus on the Lord. Get straight with my faith. I'm going to spend more quality time with my kids. I've finally got the house on it's way to being clean and livable. I'm going to stop turning down opportunities to go hang out with friends and make that a priority too. Kit doesn't want to date me or spend time with me. OK, that doesn't have to mean my life stops. Maybe if I get the right job, I'll find a social outlet with that too.
My life isn't over yet and if I keep living the way I"m living, it's going to be over like that. With no good memories at all.
I got to catch up on some rest this afternoon while Kate watched her bro and sister. I didn't overdo my meds. I"ve been really careful not to do that this time and yet, I"m feeling like Kit is mad at me and probably assuming that I took to many meds today so I could sleep the day away. Which is actually completely out of the realm of truth this time.
I feel good mentally and I'm not depressed and I don't need to escape. I've had two good conversations with my mom in the past two days and I feel much better physically since I've adjusted my pain medications. I just need to moderate my physical exertion sometimes. After the housework yesterday, I needed to rest today. Why, do I feel like I have to plead my case for resting today???
Oh well, I'm just so tired of not knowing if I can snuggle up to Kit and be myself with him or if I need to give him space and have my defenses up. Sometimes, I just wish I was married to a man that loved me as much as I love him. That he saw good qualities in me. I don't think Kit sees any good in me anymore. He said out loud that he sees me as a whiner and complainer. I guess he's right to a certain extent. but there is so much more to me. I used to have talents. I loved to have fun. There is almost zero fun in my life. Ya don't have to spend money to have fun. But, we don't joke around together, play games as a family, do stupid fun stuff together. I wake up in a good mood and within 2 minutes of being around Kit, if he's not in a good mood, I let my mood be ruined. I know thats my fault. I need to get to where it doesn't affect me.
Everything is so routine. Even the inconsistant mood auras around here are routine. The push pull thing is routine. The sex is routine. I want to feel pretty, and sexy and I want to live life much, much fuller. I"m ready for some changes.
I'm not ready to throw in the towel on myself. I'm ready to get my body in shape, get my attitude in shape. I'm ready to balance my days better and moderate to work with my disease instead of against it. I'm ready to get a new job, meet new people and contribute to our family so that our life is more than sitting around the house, day in and day out while the kids watch T.V. and play on the PC. I want to go places and see things.