selfish

I've taken the time today to catch up on Nate and Trisha's blog and Pastor Rick's too. Even though Trisha is on a ventilator and sedated, Nate is doing an amazing job of communicating with whoever hits his blog. Baby Gweneth ( I hope I spelled that right)Rose was taken by C-sect. a couple days ago and is the nurses say she is doing amazingly well, considering she wasn't quite 25 weeks yet. She is a miracle baby and seeing how strong Nate's faith is in his communication by blog strikes another negative chord in me.
I can't find anything (not one single thing) that I feel good about myself for. I'm consumed by my disease and pushing everyone I love away. I'm sick of being sick and tired and when lupus came into my life,. it changed me. I had hoped at different points that the changes would be for the better. But today, and for months and maybe longer, I've had to come to this place that I am at now.
I'm a selfish, taker who most of the time only thinks about myself. I have no motivation to live at this point. I truly believe my kids, husband and anyone else who thinks they care about me would be better off without the draining I cause in their lives. I guess the good thing is, I'm afraid to die. Ironic. Afraid to live, afraid to die. Bit of a problem there.
I read Nate's blog and it makes me hate myself even more, if possible. How can someone have that kind of faith in a time like the one he is going through?? Why can't I find that faith. Why have I just gotten more bitter and angry and hateful? I hate what I've become. I know I'm in a deep, deep depression. I feel like I'm falling down a bottomless dark hole and nothing can save me.
I literally go to sleep and pray that I won't wake up. There must be some mistake. I have not purpose here. God must've overestimated me. I'm exhausted and in pain and I don't want to do this for one single more day.