Courage to be me.

Can't sleep again.............sigh. Insomnia sucks. I layed there in bed reading for a while, then listened to all the mellow stuff on my mp3. Finally got up and got on my laptop. Maybe if I emty out my brain a little, I'll finally be able to get some zzzzz's.
Gotta hit the road first thing in the am to go pick up Kate. I can not wait to see her! It's been since August. That's too long to go without seeing my daughter. I miss her to death.
Went to the doc yesterday and talked to her bout the not sleeping thing. All my docs seem to agree that the prednisone I take for my lupus is the culprit. But the truth is I sleep like crap even when I'm not on the prednisone. Although, it's definitely worse when I'm taking the steroids. Ugh! I hate those things. They make me crazy. I gain weight, I feel jittery and like I'm going to jump out of my skin. Those are only the side effects at lower doses. It's when I get up to 60mgs or more that I get steroid phycosis. Not good. So, I guess I should be glad I'm still at relatively low doses.
Anyway, doc prescribed something new to try to help with the sleeping issue and the anxious,jittery crap. I took it. I actually doulbled up the dose. That was 3hrs. ago and here I am. Yee haw. Sucks.
I really have to get atleast some sleep before I have to get up at 5am. When I don't get a lot of sleep my lupus flares. Just frustrating stuff.
Alrighty, you probably get the jist of my insomnia frustration. Could be worse. Let me move on......................
Not much bugging me tonight. Managing to keep my depression from keeping me down. Still struggling, but not as much. Kit has asked me to start praying with him again. That really means a lot to me. We've gotten off track with going to church and other stuff that we used to do with our faith. Our beliefs are pretty much the same. We both struggle sometimes with different emotions and issues that start to keep us from staying on a good strong spiritual path. For Kit, sometimes he gets angry at God for my lupus and the things that disease and the way I deal with it affect the family. For me, I stuggle with accepting that God can really love me. I think a lot of that comes from my earthly biological father throwing me away. Not once, but multiple times. Funny how your parents not being able to love you makes you wonder if your lovable at all.
I continue to really struggle with stuff that I should've put to bed years ago. I'm going to find a way to really deal with all the crap that has gotten me to this point. I want to believe in myself. I want to like myself. It's like I feel I deserve to treat myself like crap. Like I'm doing my parents and other people a favor by abusing myself. When my mother starts making her comments about what a total screw up as a human being I am, I don't get mad, I don't defend myself. I jump right in with her cutting myself down and laughing with her at myself. Sometimes, I even beat her to the punchline about myself. Why the hell do I do that??
Funny, how I don't think I have anything to write about until I start typing away.Then I get going on a roll.
Anyway, the praying thing is good for me. It seems to be good for Kit. The part I love, is that is seems to be really good for us as a couple.
I believe in God. I am definitely a Christian. I've asked the Lord to come into my heart and forgive me for my sins.......multiple times. I've probably broken records for times saying the "sinners prayer".Not because I don't believe God's part of the deal, but I don't believe in myself.
My heart is slowly (atleast, I hope it's slowly)becoming bitter. I can see me becoming more like my mother. That is what terrifies me the most. I love my mom. But she is a mess. She's been an alcoholic my whole life. She is horribly depressed and the most bitter person I've ever known. I can not let myself become anything like her.
I do know that the bitterness and anger. All the walls and destructive behaviour comes from fear and pain. I'm so scared to get hurt that I find myself pushing away the people I love the most to sort of protect myself from rejection, abandonment. So, right now, I'm trying to make a conscious effort to NOT do that. It's ok for me to be happy. I'm not a mean, horrible,person. I can stop the negative behaviours and put what I really want the real me to be in that place. I'm terrified to let myself be vulnerable but I think I'm getting to where I'm just as afraid to turn into some awful bitch. That's not me. Never was before. Now, I just have to conjure up the courage to let myself be vulnerable and be me.