Angry and bitter

Back down again today. Damn it! I'm exhausted and in horrible pain. If you know anything about the pain score (the way docs try to figure out exactly how much pain your actually in), mine is at an almost unbearable 9.
We had an awesome Christmas after surviving the annual Christmas eve stresses of "celebrating" at my parent's house. I love my parents. I really do. But between my mom treating my poor dad (step-dad) like garbage constantly and making fun of everyone and especially her negative comments about my children. Although, these days it's usually Jackson that she has negative things to say about. Why not? He's 10 months old and can't defend himself yet. According to her, he's spoiled, a brat and she can't understand why he won't just sit contently in a playpen for hours at a time. After all, that's what she did with me when I was a baby. Explains some stuff huh?? The best comment she could muster up about baby Jackson was that since he actually was happy and smiling when we first got to their place, that maybe " the jury is still out on this one."Bitch.
I'll get into the awesome Christmas day we had with our immediate family, Kit, Kate, Maddie and Jackson, on another post. Right now, I'm having trouble sorting through the stuff thats getting me all worked up and down.
So, Kit if your reading this and looking for a fuzzy, feel good post about how I'm still trying and I'm working towards a better me...................yada yada whatever, you may want to skip reading the rest of this one.
I hate, f-ing HATE this stupid disease. Here Kate is only here for two more days. I feel like total crap. Every single joint I have is screaming and I'm fighting off (trying to fight off another migrane). But what the heck, Kate is used to her mother being like this. Too sick to be any good at being her mother. Me having children was a very selfish, selfish thing to do. I was so hoping I could not be like my mom and actually be a good mother. Boy, was I wrong on that one.
I'm espescially angry at myself because Kit has been so awesome! Espescially on Christmas and yesterday. He interacted with me in ways that I always only wish he'd do. Things like snuggling and kissing me. He pretty much never kisses me unless we are about to have sex. That is something that hurts me more than I can ever explain to him. But I figure it's my fault anyway. Anyway, yesterday he got me to where my defenses were finally coming down and I was just starting to get comfortable with him hugging me and interacting with me in a lovey dovey way. Well, guess what?? I somehow managed to blow that. He woke me up this morning with a "Hey Chris, I gotta get ready for work." Instead of the sitting on my side of the bed and rubbing my arm and speaking softly to me , like he had a day or two before. I end up feeling like I've completely screwed up the dynamic between us-again. I wonder if there is any hope for me to actually change. Needless to say, he left without barely looking at me. Certainly no hug or god forbid a kiss. Off he goes, and I sit here, hating myself and being angry at myself for starting to let my defenses down with him. I get tired of having to just be "up for it" when he decides he wants to talk, or when he wants to cuddle (which is almost never) and when he wants whatever he wants that he needs me for. I needed him last night. Not the first time this has happened and maybe it's just good ole mis communication. But, I just end up feeling hurt and rejected like I'm total crap in his mind. It gets old. Really old.
Right now with my head pounding I should probably lay back down. I don't feel like dealing with the kids. Jackson is napping. But Melissa is supposed to show back up today. So, I gotta get myself, the house and the kids in better order. Yipee. Kate will be on me to go pick up her ps2 that Maddie broke and we had to get fixed. That's another story for another time. Jack will be following me around, attached to my pant leg whining. boy, glad to be back in the swing of things.
Oh and I had another seizure this am. I know they are absolutely related to stress. I've come to realize I have to go to my parents and prove to them once again that I am a total failure in life and ask them for a loan so we can afford the travel and food expenses of the f-ing disney trip that we've already paid for. Really looking forward to that conversation. I know that Bob, whever the Hell (and that may be exactly where he is) is laughing hysterically at me, knowing that he was right to disown me. I was never anything and I'll never have any worth of anykind. I have no value, nothing to offer and as my loving step-mother put it so well..............."She pity's my children for having me as a mother." Rock on Regina, I hope your miserable and lonely now that Bob's gone. Just the way you probably were when he was still alive.