It's been a while.

It's been a while. .....
Things have been evolving. Into what, I'm not exactly sure yet, but I think things in general are getting better. After 12 days in the local hospital for a nasty bout with what the docs say was acute pancreatitis due to the steroids I take for my lupus I came home to recover while Kit made the transition from his former job to his new job. Big transition for him (and as it works out, me too) after running restaurants for 20 yrs. he now is in management training for our local (although they have hundreds of stores) grocery store chain. The benefits and opportunities for advancement are soooo much better than what we had before. They say they average 10 hr. work days and 5 day work weeks for the most part. I'm taking the "wait and see" approach but so far it seems to be pretty much what they say.
Kit seems to be making this transition seamlessly. That's my husband. He's smart, he works hard and he can adapt to almost anything. He doesn't look beaten down when he walks in the door from work. He says the job is a lot more managing and a lot less working positions which is good. He seems to like it. So, I'm.......................relieved and a little happy and optimistic. Although, I still have this knot in my stomach. Could be left over pancreatitis junk or the ulcers they found in my stomach with all the tests they put me through or it could be my almost constant level of anxiety. Could be just about anything.
Jackson turns 15 months today! Happy b-day little man! He is getting sooo big and he's definitely all boy! He is on a Daddy kick ever since I was in the hospital and misses him horribly during the day now that Da da is at work most of his awake time. He gets so ticked off so easily and he will walk right by me during one of his freak out sessions as if he would rather a big ole man eating t-rex was there to comfort him rather than me. I'm not bent about it though. I remember these ma-ma,da-da phases and how they change. I'm more thrown off by his change in daily schedule, now just one nap a lot later in the am, than I am about his seeming to want nothing to do with me.
Other breaking news, I'm meeting with one of the YMCA camp directors tomorrow to talk about me helping out with the kids drama camp. I was thrilled when she called and it seemed she was looking for me to take a big part of this project on. So, I'm not going to try to guess what I'm getting myself into yet. Whatever it is, it's going to be a positive thing in my and probably the kids summer and I'm determined to see this through. I find excuses to walk away and quit so much in life. Which has probably gotten me to this place in life.
I know I've written about changing in prior posts. I've pondered if it's worth it to try. I've decided it's worth it. My biological father said that people are supposed to change as they get older. He meant it to be a positive thing and his point was to continue to learn and grow as we get closer to the inevitable. Funny, I don't think he really believed or got that concept. Atleast, not in regards to me and from the last time I saw him 6 yrs. prior to his dying, not in regards to himself. Although, I will continue to pray that someday I'll get to see him and make peace with him. Not in the hot place either.
Rediculous that I can't seem to shake the continual daughter just wanting her dad's approval or atleast his love. Sigh, that demon continues to haunt me in more ways than I can verbalize.
Kate comes for the summer in a month and I can't wait to have her here. I still have to put "her room" together. This is the first time she won't be forced to share a room with Maddie. I know she is looking forward to this. Maddie really gets under her skin. Could be because Maddie is a 8 yr old little "part-time" sister who won't leave her alone. Maddie on the other hand probably is gonna miss having Kate on that top bunk in their room.
Now, that Melissa has moved on, we have an extra room for Kate to be on her own. Besides, it's time. Speaking of Melissa, Keeper's remains vacant and closed and as far as I know, still owned by Rufus and Roxi Pritchard. I think I'm finally almost over my job there ending the way it did. I hope to keep in contact with those from Keeper's that got close to our family ( ie: Lindy, Stacey, Melissa...........etc). For a while there I was feeling like I had lost the only thing I did worth anything. I guess, because I equated my value directly to the paycheck and my positive affect on the employees and the guests who walked into that place. I'm realizing now that maybe I have some worth here at home with the kids. Just because some days are rougher than others with my health doesn't make me a bad mom. I've told myself multiple times a minute in my head for a really long time that I have no worth and I'm a bad mother. I'm trying really hard to fight those and the rest of the negative self-talk (both in my head as well as outloud). A lot if not most of it is crap that becomes a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. Ya hear something enough even if it's from yourself, you start to believe it. I love my kids. They need me. I love my husband and all of us together make a family. It isn't perfect. But, as I get older I see that the truth is nobody has that "perfect" life. It may look that way. God knows, I try to convey that I'm really ok to the world. I want everyone to think I've got it all together. I don't know why. I think I may be ok right now. I need work. But hey, who doesn't. Point is, I'm working on it. Everyday is another step. Sometimes I screw up. Sometimes I don't. But, I'll keep trying.
Lupus is not what I am. It's something I have. It's not an excuse for me to give up on people and life in general. It's not ok for me to tell myself my family and friends are better off without me. My family loves me and like my mom told me before I was admitted to the hospital, whatever I can give them of myself is good enough. Yes, my mom said something positive to me. Sometimes, I stay in bed when I don't really need to. I'm trying to stop that. I'm trying everyday to give whatever I can give to the kids and Kit. I'm still running with only some of my engines, but I think running at all is better than avoiding. I may still need to catch a nap here and there or sleep in if I get the chance. But that doesn't have to mean an "all day, Mom's down for the count event".
Well, Jackson is up from his nap and my time is up. Gotta run. Good to be back. Thanks gang (Kit and little ones) for not giving up on me yet.

Close to crazy!

I should be sleeping. Already took my meds and all. I feel sick inside. Man, I am so far from the person I mistakingly thought I was. It's shocking really. You know, you think "I'm and OK person". Could always be better, but yet still a decent person.
Tonight I re-realized that I am a crappy excuse for a mother to my oldest daughter Kate. I can't seem to put the junk behind me and get moving forward. She is 12 and I am to her...................as Kit says "part-time". I am her mother. I will always be her mother. But just having that title means pretty much nothing if you don't behave like a mom should.
I love Kate. I love my kids all the same. But when Kate goes back to Pittsburgh with her dad, It's like I shut down that part of myself. Sure there are the occasional phone calls and e-mails. But I really feel like I am a big, not much in her life. It breaks my heart. It hurts even more to know that I created that situation completely on my own.
Is is too late to turn things around there? Just like my last blog, you get to where you wonder if you should even try changing. Or are you destined to be whatever it is you've become. What if you hate who and what you've become?
My depression just seems to be worsening. I believe I need a doctor. A real one, that can not only do "talk therapy" but also do meds too. There must be something chemically wrong with me to be the way I am.
Tonight and lately, I've been feeling a sense of urgency to start the wheels of change actually rolling in the correct direction. I'm not sure exactly how I'll go about that. I just know I can't keep on keepin on like this. I'm close to crazy. Or maybe I'm already there.

changing who you are today so you can be that person you had dreamed of growingup into.

Thee seems to have come a time in life, well, atleast in my life, where I've reached that number in age where I thought I'd have it all figured out.I'd really have it together...somehow. I overlooked the fact that in order to be in that place in life, I would have actually done some work, taken some classes or something.Anyhow, just prepare for getting to that place. But like all I do, no preparing was done. I just waited around till I ended up where I am now. Which is realizing I have a lot of work to do on myself to someday get to where I've got it together. I'm clinging to the hope that it is not TOO late for me to turn this ship around. I can not end up the very person I was so sure I would never be. Coincidently, the same person I seem to be at this point
So, I've been asking myself some pretty seriously deep questioins. It really troubles me that I don't have the answers to many of the questions. If I tell the truth on every question I really have to face the fact that I am catastophically flawed.
I want to live with the priorities of the person I want to be with the valuale priorities.
I look at Kit tonight and I could just cry. Instead of building him up, I'm completely breaking him down. He has reverted back to avoiding eye contact with me and of course casual or any other form of touching and connecting is not in the mix right now.
He is literally doing everything he can to keep things together for our family while we deal with my (our, really) lupus. He is tactically doing everything possible to keep the house and our little "Team Trotter". He looks so miserable to me. I wish we could just talk whatever he is feeling out between us but our dynamic right now is difficult to say the least.
I love you baby! I've made you my whipping post lately, and it needs to stop right now. You and the kids are my world. We are going to make it through this latest flare. I have to believe that we can and we will find a comfortable, productive, loving way to work through all the crap together.
The person I want to be would be trying harder to lighten his load. I would be happier, I would try totake the time to look decent. I'm been letting myself go lately and that is just wrong
I'm getting sleepy and my thoughts are starting to loose focus. So,I'm going to have tocome back to this post and content later.

AARRGGHH! OK, not gonna be positive. Not right now. Pain level is through the roof. I am sick to death of insurance companies, medications, doctors, tests etc............................I finally have a wonderful pain management doc here and guess what, my inner voice is telling me we are looking at yet another move. Probably in the next 6 months or less. I'm so sick and tired of starting over. Kit's job situation is a dead end. I do not understand why we fucking came to the Outer Banks in the first place. I had hoped for a relationship with my parents. I had hoped they would want to get to know their grandchildren and play a role in their lives. Boy, was I wrong!! Wrong with a capital W!
I have asked my parents to watch Maddie for us twice in the past 3 years. Both times were for the work Christmas party. When Maddie goes to my parents house, she is put in front of the living room T.V. and told to watch DVD's until we would come to get her. Actually, that is what Maddie is supposed to do on the rare occasions that we go over to their home.
My mother sits in the kitchen in front of her t.v on the counter, blaring, cigarette dangling from her one hand and a scotch on the rocks in the other hand. She makes no attempts at having a conversation with Maddie. She treats her like she treated me growing up..............like I was invisible.
Katy gets a little more attention from "Gran". Only because now Katy is "old enough that she can carry on a worthwhile conversation with her".
Baby Jackson. I kept the pregnancy with Jack a secret from my parents as long as possible. I was terrified to tell my parents. I knew they would treat me as if I had committed a felony and I should be punished, rediculed and made to feel as if I was the stupidest person on the planet. How dare I bring another "brat"into this world.
My mother treats my step-sister the same way in regards to our children. Erin, my step-sister had her third baby this past Friday! According to my mother her first comment to Erin over the phone upon hearing that the baby had arrived was "So, how long until you plan on doing this shit again to try to give Jim (my step-brother-in-law) his boy?". Un freaking believable.
Bitter, bitter, bitch. I am so angry! I am fighting back tears as I type this. I can not stand that this woman is my mother. I can not stand how I LET her affect me. I made this stupid decision after being "disowned" by my father, that no matter what, my mother is my mother, and I will not walk away from her. But, she is ruining, no I take that back, I am LETTING her ruin me. My health is suffering. I feel like total shit after most of our conversations.
She manipulates everyone around her. I can not believe my dad (step-dad) has stayed with her for 30 yrs. He is codependent, just trying to survive her wrath.
My therapist made the point that not allowing my mother in my life anymore , or God forbid when she dies, it would really be no different than it is now. I, for all intents and purposes, do not have a mother now. So, the only thing I would be morning is the mother I had always wanted and needed but was never given.
I am freaking out. I am fighting the urge to take off. To just move as fast as possible away from here. Away from her. I'm angry that I came here at all. I'm angry that I allowed myself to hope to find a mother who loved me and valued me.
My father disowned me. My mother hates me. I must be a real wonderful contribution to this world.
But, I WILL find a way to not be like her. I LOVE my children. I can not let my emotional baggage, and weaknesses be an excuse to be a rotten, bitter, angry, self-absorbed parent and partner for Kit. My children and my husband see something worthwhile in me. I have to hold onto that. I HAVE to.
I am so close to an emotional breakdown. But, I will NOT give into the emotional weaknesses. I will get help! I will use a productive outlet. But right now, I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to drive over to my mother's house and tell her what a rotten parent and person she is. I want to tell her that I'm done taking responsibility for her rotten defective parenting.
Guess what mom! I am not the reason you drink. If you didn't have me, you would've found another excuse. Besides, Dad told me you started drinking way before I even was born. You drank and smoked throughout your pregnancy with me. You told me you never wanted me! Dad may have been a lot of rotten things, but he wasn't a liar. YOU are the liar. I do not have to pretend I believe your lies anymore. I'm not crazy. The things I think happened in our home when I was growing up were NOT my imagination. I will no longer put myself down to you to try to get your approval.
I was a child. I was YOUR child! I was the only Child you had! You abandoned me emotionally. You ignored me. You could never hug me or hold me when I was just a little girl. I held you when you were too drunk to hold your head up over the toilet. I was the one who called the police when you took all those pills and drank all that scotch and I was so afraid that you were dead. Lying there on the floor in your underwear. Dad had left me with you. He knew how sick you were and when he walked out, he left me there with you to take care of you. I loved you Mom. I wanted to help you. I wanted to be enough for you to be ok. I wanted to be worth enough to you for you to be strong. But you never were. Never.
I could end up like you mom. but i won't. I won't. You know why? Because I love my children, my husband, my friends, more than I myself. I know how to love. I don't ever want my children to ever feel for one single second the way I feel as your daughter for my entire life.
You will die someday. I need to find a way to deal with the reality of understanding that no matter how much I try to love you, it will never be enough for you to embrace that love. Your too comfortable in your misery. You will die and I will grieve. I will probably never get to have things be the way I've wished they'd be between us for so long. I didn't want much. I just wanted you to be proud of me. I wanted you to respect me. I wanted you to let me in and let me love you.
Just like when dad died, I'll never have things straight. It's hard to know that even now, while you are still alive, the outcome will more than likely be the same.
As I held my 6 month old son(at the time) in my lap while I puked in the toilet after my chemo treatments this past summer I remember thinking this is all wrong. I would drive myself to and from my treatments alone so the kids wouldn't have to see me go through those. Kit would stay with the kids. Kit could only take a day or 2 off work so then I was left puking, exhausted, just all out horribly sick to care for three kids alone. Not once did my mother or my father offer any sort of help. I'm not playing a victim here. I'm just realizing what a horrendous excuse for a mother I actually have.
When i had a near fatal accident in July of 2002 and ended up in critical condition on a ventilator, my parents didn't even try to come to Texas to see me. Yet she can drive her ass to Atlantic City to the casinos every month. She did tell me if I had died, she would've shown up for the funeral. I guess that would've been important to make it look to other people at my funeral like she gave a damn. But no, she left Kit to deal with the two girls, me in ICU and thank God for Kit's family.
I have lots of reasons to be pissed off! How can a mother treat her child this way???? I'm not sure where to go from here. I just know I HAVE to get this anger out in a constructive way because I'm gonna loose it. I literally feel the urge to break something, to put a hole in the wall, to destroy something. But, I won't. Not today. Tonight I will get a good night sleep and tomorrow I will feel better. Somehow I'll figure it all out. But for right now, I'm furious! How dae my parents throw me away the way they have. Or worse, keep me around to wallow in their misery. I didn't ask for them to have me. I didn't pick them out as parents.

New Year, New Route!!!

Happy New Year!!! Blah, blah..............OK, right now I'm mentally seeing two ways I can go with this post. My instincts are pushing me towards the negative, ranting, raving, everything sucks, just another year and everything is no better in my life, in fact, it's worse..............................road. Here is where I make the purposeful decision to push that instinct away and uncomfortably forge ahead towards the positive. Man, taking this road feels sort of like trying to steer a car with no power steering. Not easy. Very uncomfortable. But Kit (my guru) likes to say "You keep doing what your doing, you'll keep getting what your getting." I'm worn out on getting what I'm getting.

So, here I am driving down a different road. I'll figure out a name for this road later. Lets see what it looks like from the drivers seat this morning. Through the window I see that it's 9am and I'm showered, dressed, make-up on. Don't see that on a usual ride down negative street.
I also see that I actually cooked breakfast for baby Jackson myself. Scrambled eggs with cheese. He loves that. I've got a load of laundry going in the washer, and the dishes are done.

I"m still struggling with the conversation I had over the phone with my mother. But writing about that would definitely put me back down negative street. So, I'm going to give it all I've got to not dwell on that and the other negative thoughts that have me on the verge of tears. I'm going to come up with some positive things to replace the negative thoughts.

Things to focus on today:
1: My children and my husband are healthy.
2: My husband and myself still have our jobs.
3: We ARE going to Disney World in 27 days.
4: We had a wonderful Christmas day here with the kids.
5: We have a nice house to live in.
6: For today the cable is still on.
7: I have the bestest best friend a gal could ask for. Love u Steph.
8: I am having a relatively low pain day.
9: We have cars in good condition to get around in.
10: We do not have a car payment.
11: We believe in God and are trying to get back on track with him.
12: We have a YMCA membership and therefor I have an outlet for my stress that I will use.
13: My husband loves me.
14: My husband is a wonderful father.
15: My husband is my best friend and is a total team player.
16: I can make today a great day just by the thoughts and attitude I CHOOSE to have!
17: I am no longer a victim.

Thats a pretty good start. Guess I better get going on it.

It is not my responsibility to be company for my mother's misery.

Lyrics from an Anvril Lavigne (hope I didn't just butcher her name) are hitting home for me tonight!

Her feelings she hides
Her dreams she can't find
She's loosing her mind
She's falling behind
She can't find her place
She's loosing her faith
She's fallen from grace
She's all over the place

She wants to go home
But nobody's home
Thats where she lies
broke inside

Be strong,Be strong now
too many,too many problems
Don't know where she belongs
Where she belongs

Open your eyes
and look outside,find the reasons why
you've been rejected
now you can't find what you left behind




These words just reminded me of my childhood and also how I grew into the person I have become. Thank goodness this stuff is in the past. I couldn't do much about my home life growing up but now that I am an adult, I can choose not to put myself in the negative and abusive situations that were forced upon me as a child.

Angry and bitter

Back down again today. Damn it! I'm exhausted and in horrible pain. If you know anything about the pain score (the way docs try to figure out exactly how much pain your actually in), mine is at an almost unbearable 9.
We had an awesome Christmas after surviving the annual Christmas eve stresses of "celebrating" at my parent's house. I love my parents. I really do. But between my mom treating my poor dad (step-dad) like garbage constantly and making fun of everyone and especially her negative comments about my children. Although, these days it's usually Jackson that she has negative things to say about. Why not? He's 10 months old and can't defend himself yet. According to her, he's spoiled, a brat and she can't understand why he won't just sit contently in a playpen for hours at a time. After all, that's what she did with me when I was a baby. Explains some stuff huh?? The best comment she could muster up about baby Jackson was that since he actually was happy and smiling when we first got to their place, that maybe " the jury is still out on this one."Bitch.
I'll get into the awesome Christmas day we had with our immediate family, Kit, Kate, Maddie and Jackson, on another post. Right now, I'm having trouble sorting through the stuff thats getting me all worked up and down.
So, Kit if your reading this and looking for a fuzzy, feel good post about how I'm still trying and I'm working towards a better me...................yada yada whatever, you may want to skip reading the rest of this one.
I hate, f-ing HATE this stupid disease. Here Kate is only here for two more days. I feel like total crap. Every single joint I have is screaming and I'm fighting off (trying to fight off another migrane). But what the heck, Kate is used to her mother being like this. Too sick to be any good at being her mother. Me having children was a very selfish, selfish thing to do. I was so hoping I could not be like my mom and actually be a good mother. Boy, was I wrong on that one.
I'm espescially angry at myself because Kit has been so awesome! Espescially on Christmas and yesterday. He interacted with me in ways that I always only wish he'd do. Things like snuggling and kissing me. He pretty much never kisses me unless we are about to have sex. That is something that hurts me more than I can ever explain to him. But I figure it's my fault anyway. Anyway, yesterday he got me to where my defenses were finally coming down and I was just starting to get comfortable with him hugging me and interacting with me in a lovey dovey way. Well, guess what?? I somehow managed to blow that. He woke me up this morning with a "Hey Chris, I gotta get ready for work." Instead of the sitting on my side of the bed and rubbing my arm and speaking softly to me , like he had a day or two before. I end up feeling like I've completely screwed up the dynamic between us-again. I wonder if there is any hope for me to actually change. Needless to say, he left without barely looking at me. Certainly no hug or god forbid a kiss. Off he goes, and I sit here, hating myself and being angry at myself for starting to let my defenses down with him. I get tired of having to just be "up for it" when he decides he wants to talk, or when he wants to cuddle (which is almost never) and when he wants whatever he wants that he needs me for. I needed him last night. Not the first time this has happened and maybe it's just good ole mis communication. But, I just end up feeling hurt and rejected like I'm total crap in his mind. It gets old. Really old.
Right now with my head pounding I should probably lay back down. I don't feel like dealing with the kids. Jackson is napping. But Melissa is supposed to show back up today. So, I gotta get myself, the house and the kids in better order. Yipee. Kate will be on me to go pick up her ps2 that Maddie broke and we had to get fixed. That's another story for another time. Jack will be following me around, attached to my pant leg whining. boy, glad to be back in the swing of things.
Oh and I had another seizure this am. I know they are absolutely related to stress. I've come to realize I have to go to my parents and prove to them once again that I am a total failure in life and ask them for a loan so we can afford the travel and food expenses of the f-ing disney trip that we've already paid for. Really looking forward to that conversation. I know that Bob, whever the Hell (and that may be exactly where he is) is laughing hysterically at me, knowing that he was right to disown me. I was never anything and I'll never have any worth of anykind. I have no value, nothing to offer and as my loving step-mother put it so well..............."She pity's my children for having me as a mother." Rock on Regina, I hope your miserable and lonely now that Bob's gone. Just the way you probably were when he was still alive.

Courage to be me.

Can't sleep again.............sigh. Insomnia sucks. I layed there in bed reading for a while, then listened to all the mellow stuff on my mp3. Finally got up and got on my laptop. Maybe if I emty out my brain a little, I'll finally be able to get some zzzzz's.
Gotta hit the road first thing in the am to go pick up Kate. I can not wait to see her! It's been since August. That's too long to go without seeing my daughter. I miss her to death.
Went to the doc yesterday and talked to her bout the not sleeping thing. All my docs seem to agree that the prednisone I take for my lupus is the culprit. But the truth is I sleep like crap even when I'm not on the prednisone. Although, it's definitely worse when I'm taking the steroids. Ugh! I hate those things. They make me crazy. I gain weight, I feel jittery and like I'm going to jump out of my skin. Those are only the side effects at lower doses. It's when I get up to 60mgs or more that I get steroid phycosis. Not good. So, I guess I should be glad I'm still at relatively low doses.
Anyway, doc prescribed something new to try to help with the sleeping issue and the anxious,jittery crap. I took it. I actually doulbled up the dose. That was 3hrs. ago and here I am. Yee haw. Sucks.
I really have to get atleast some sleep before I have to get up at 5am. When I don't get a lot of sleep my lupus flares. Just frustrating stuff.
Alrighty, you probably get the jist of my insomnia frustration. Could be worse. Let me move on......................
Not much bugging me tonight. Managing to keep my depression from keeping me down. Still struggling, but not as much. Kit has asked me to start praying with him again. That really means a lot to me. We've gotten off track with going to church and other stuff that we used to do with our faith. Our beliefs are pretty much the same. We both struggle sometimes with different emotions and issues that start to keep us from staying on a good strong spiritual path. For Kit, sometimes he gets angry at God for my lupus and the things that disease and the way I deal with it affect the family. For me, I stuggle with accepting that God can really love me. I think a lot of that comes from my earthly biological father throwing me away. Not once, but multiple times. Funny how your parents not being able to love you makes you wonder if your lovable at all.
I continue to really struggle with stuff that I should've put to bed years ago. I'm going to find a way to really deal with all the crap that has gotten me to this point. I want to believe in myself. I want to like myself. It's like I feel I deserve to treat myself like crap. Like I'm doing my parents and other people a favor by abusing myself. When my mother starts making her comments about what a total screw up as a human being I am, I don't get mad, I don't defend myself. I jump right in with her cutting myself down and laughing with her at myself. Sometimes, I even beat her to the punchline about myself. Why the hell do I do that??
Funny, how I don't think I have anything to write about until I start typing away.Then I get going on a roll.
Anyway, the praying thing is good for me. It seems to be good for Kit. The part I love, is that is seems to be really good for us as a couple.
I believe in God. I am definitely a Christian. I've asked the Lord to come into my heart and forgive me for my sins.......multiple times. I've probably broken records for times saying the "sinners prayer".Not because I don't believe God's part of the deal, but I don't believe in myself.
My heart is slowly (atleast, I hope it's slowly)becoming bitter. I can see me becoming more like my mother. That is what terrifies me the most. I love my mom. But she is a mess. She's been an alcoholic my whole life. She is horribly depressed and the most bitter person I've ever known. I can not let myself become anything like her.
I do know that the bitterness and anger. All the walls and destructive behaviour comes from fear and pain. I'm so scared to get hurt that I find myself pushing away the people I love the most to sort of protect myself from rejection, abandonment. So, right now, I'm trying to make a conscious effort to NOT do that. It's ok for me to be happy. I'm not a mean, horrible,person. I can stop the negative behaviours and put what I really want the real me to be in that place. I'm terrified to let myself be vulnerable but I think I'm getting to where I'm just as afraid to turn into some awful bitch. That's not me. Never was before. Now, I just have to conjure up the courage to let myself be vulnerable and be me.

Get busy living!

Can't sleep. Nothing new. But all in all, I'm doing better tonight. I've been so depressed lately. Today I felt better. I made myself switch up the dynamic of my day and it really helped.
As I type this, I'm sitting next to our beautiful christmas tree that is all lit up. "It's a wonderful Life" is on the T.V. As I rock in my glider rocker with my laptop on my lap, I can look out my sliding glass door to see one of our neighbor's sailboats all lit up like a Christmas tree. We live on a canal that leads to the albemarle sound and lots of our neighbors have boatdocks. Tonight was our community's annual "Christmas boat parade". Rough place to live, huh?
Kit got to ride with the guys from his cycling team today. He's in the best physical shape I've ever known him to be in. He makes 40 look amazing! The guys rode a little over 30 miles in less than 2 hrs. and Kit had a "phenominal"time. Makes me happy to see him getting so much fulfillment with his cycling.
My step-dad sees a lot of movies. Like atleast 1-3 a week in the theatre. He works in a movie rental store "for fun" in his retirement. Movies, as well as books and music are his thing. He takes Maddie to the movies everytime a new movie for children comes out. Today he was taking Maddie to see Eragon. A new movie about a dragon and her rider.
Maddie LOVES dragons! That and dinosaurs are what she obsesses over these days. I decided to actually go to the movie with Maddie and dad today. Dad was pleasantly surprised and both he and Maddie seemed excited that I went with them. Made me feel good.
Kit made dinner tonight and we all sort of just hung out. It seemed good. Felt right. I found myself looking at my husband, my children, thinking of Kate and feeling..........grateful.
One week from tonight, Kate will be here! I can not wait to see her. I miss her so very much.
This week I paid off our disney trip package! I still can't believe we are actually going to Disney World in January! It's going to be amazing.
This post really isn't a long, rambling post about how bad I or my life are. It's sort of a boring account of today's events.
I am feeling sort of confused about something though. I've had people that used to be a huge part of my life seek me out and contact me again. One of these people used to be my best friend. I stopped communicating with her when I was going through an unexpected miscarriage and she was less than supportive. Atleast, that was my take on it. She had been through multiple miscarriages at that point and she didn't know I was pregnant. I may have very well have overreacted to her comments and tone with me. But really this was just the final thing in a bunch of things that had me thinking we no longer needed to be friends.
Anyway, she e-mailed me after we had not communicated in almost exactly two years. We had a great night of Iming, e-mailing pix to eachother and all seemed like we were sort of starting over and going to be friends again. But, she's all but stopped communicating with me this time and it has me wondering if she was just looking to do to me what I did to her. I feel angry, annoyed and frustrated. I also feel like I deserve whatever I get since I just stopped all communication with her instead of trying to explain how I felt to her.
Why would someone show up in your life again, acting like they and actually saying that they missed you and wanted to be a part of your life again and then just pretty much ignore you? Maybe she sensed how messed up I am these days. Who knows.
I just know that I can always count on Kit and my kids to love me. Kit will always be there for me and he loves me warts and all. He doesn't play with me and my feelings. I don't know why, but Kit thinks I am valuable. He is the only person in this world that I am pretty sure will always get my back. Other people seem to end up disappointing on some level. Even people that should never give up on you do. A good example of that would be my parents. But, enough about people disappointing you. I"m lucky to have Kit and my children, some people don't even have a spouse or anyone that they can completely trust. I am blessed.
Knowing this, makes me want to work even harder at elliminating the negative, destructive thoughts I have as well as resource how to heal my depression. I will find a way to heal,to feel true happiness (it's surrounds me, I just have to let myself embrace it).
I have valuable qualities I need to focus on. I've been so self-centered lately. I can focus on my family. I want to be the best wife and mom I can be. My family deserves the best!
I'll go ahead and set some goals for myself this week. I'll start out fairly easy and work up to more challenging goals as time goes on.
GOALS for this week!

1. Work out atleast 3 times this week. Including classes and or cardio.
2. Drink 8 glasses of water each day.
3. Pray daily.
4. Figure out atleast one thing for each day I can do for my kids and Kit to make their day better.
5. Each time I catch myself thinking a negative thought about myself, counter "attack" it with a positive thought about myself.


That is probably a good enough start for now. Today is the day I turn a corner. One of Kit's favorite movie quotes is from "the Shawshank Redemption" and it's "either get busy living or get busy dying". Today is the day I get busy living!

Possible reasons I'm loosing my mind.

I have everything I wanted so, what the heck is my problem??? I've always been moody,emotional, yada yada.....Usually, when I get depressed I get over it. Right now, it's like I'm up against a brick wall.
I've been going back and forth sparring with depression pretty consistantly for most of my life. Since Jackson's birth, it's been a presence lurking in my life. After Jack-Jack was born, Kit was (and still is) amazingly supportive. We were worried that the drop in hormone levels would send my body into another post-partum flare. So, Kit stepped up big time to do all he could to get me rest.
Our stress of being new parents again was increased by having to unexpectedly take Jackson back to the hospital when he was 5 days old. He had a severe case of jaundice and had to be put in a "billi bassinette". I was allowed to room-in with him at the hospital. But, I was only allowed to hold him when he needed to be nursed. Poor little Jackson hated that "billi bassinette". They had him wear this blindfold across his eyes to protect them from the lights and they would draw blood by sticking him in the heel,multiple times a day. It was heartbreaking to see my newborn baby go through this. I literally stayed awake for the entire 3 days we were in there. No sleep,nada, zip.
When Jackson was given the green light to come home, we were given a "billi blanket" to keep him in constantly at home to keep his billi levels down. Thank goodness he slept a lot and seemed to not mind being wrapped up in that thing. Kit and I were both exhausted but relieved to have our baby home and be on the way to recovery.
The next day, Thurs. Feb 9,2006, Kit got a call from my mother saying that dad (my step-dad) was coming over to the house. Kit seemed uneasy and only told me that dad had some stuff to drop off for us.
When dad got here I asked him if everything was alright. My folks almost never stop by,certainly not unexpectedly like this. Dad told me at that point that "No, everything was not alright" and he motioned for me to sit down on the couch. Instantly my mind went to my mom and if she was ok. I sat on the couch, dad sat next to me and Kit sat infront of me on the coffee table. It was clear to me at that point that Kit already knew whatever my dad was about to tell me.
My dad looked at me and said, "Chris, your dad died." It took me a second to realize what he had just said. I think I started to cry a little but mostly I asked a bunch of questions. Evidently, the deal was that my real father's brother searched out my mom and contacted her earlier that day.
I'll refer to my real dad as "Bob" to try to keep this from getting confusing. Turns out, Bob was having dinner with his wife, Regina the previous Friday night(the day we first brought Jack-Jack home from the hospital)and began complaining of shortness of breath. He ended up collapsing on the floor and I guess the paramedics did all they could but he was gone by the time they got him to the hospital. He was 61 yrs.old.
This was a huge blow to me. I'll go into further dept about my relationship and ultimately my being disowned by Bob in another posting. But for now the reason I bring this up is because I think the death of Bob is another very heavy straw on my camel's back.
Kit was wonderful in trying to help me sort through the loss of my biological dad. But after a week or so, I felt like it was time to be "over it". I didn't think it was reasonable for me to continue to be sad and want to talk about him after that point. I'm not sure if I felt this way because of me or if Kit was giving off vibes to that nature or maybe a little bit of both.
Kit continued to be great in regards to helping with the kids. Kit would sleep on the couch with the baby, so I could get a good night's rest. He'd cook us dinner, he'd do Maddie's homework with her. Really, Kit stepped up to the plate in a big big way. I appreciate all he did and does to try to keep me ok.
After about a month, I was struggling with aniety attacks and depression. I just wasn't myself. We opened our restaurant in March. I hadn't planned on having to go back to work until April since I manage dinners and in the past, we opened just for breakfast and lunches for the first month.But we started out being open all day, so I went back to work about 3-4 weeks earlier than I had thought I'd have to. This really isn't a huge deal. But nowadays, even the littlest change in plans feels catastropic to me.
Working is probably what saved me from a complete breakdown at that point. I love my job. Being around people brings out the "happy me". I feel good when I'm around others. I really lucked out with me staff this year too. They were like family.
In may I got some rotten news that my lupus was flaring and this time it was in my CNS system. After high doses of steroids failed to help, I was put on outpatient chemotherapy. I was to get chemo every 4 weeks. It sucked!! I am lucky enough to have a job where they could work around my treatments. Although, Kit being my boss and my husband was only able to do just so much. I didn't want the kids to go to chemo with me, so Kit stayed at home with them and I took myself to chemo. It was during this period of time that I began to see how isolated and alone I really am in life. I've done it to myself. I still felt and continue to feel horribly lonely.
I managed to get through the chemo. I tried to be brave. I tried to come off to everyone like I was handling everything great. I wasn't. I didn't want Kit to worry, I didn't want the children to be afraid that I may die or something. I really put a lot of effort into making it look like I was incredibly strong, independant and brave.
The lupus does confusing and scary things to my brain. I forget things. I have trouble concentrating, I have a very short fuse (some of that is from steroids, some from the lupus and some is just me). I've begun to loose whatever confidence in myself I had. I think I come across as a ditzy person to others. I worry that people can see right through me to the neurotic nut I am.
I've isolated myself for so long that I've started to get social aniety when I'm going to see people. I'm ok at work for some reason, but all other environments I get very anxious.
I miss having friends and doing social things. I have only one friend and she is in PA. I haven't seen her since March.
Even though I was going through chemo this summer, I was determined to still give the kids a good summer. I think we managed to do ok with that. Two trips to Busch Gardens, put-putt, granddad took the girls to the movies. Kate and Maddie got to go to the beach and the pool fairly often.
When Kate went back to Pittsburgh at the end of the summer, I took it harder than usual. A couple weeks after she went back, Riley, my bestest pal in the whole world died. It was at this point that I started to sincerely wonder how much God thought I could take.
One month to the day after Riley died, Kate's grandmother, my ex-mom in law, died of pancreatic cancer.
I know I need "help"of the professional kind. I plan to get that going once we get back from our family vacation (the very first one in 10 yrs) in Feb. Right now I just feel so bad that I am behaving the way I am. I can not seem to push through this this time. I want to be happy. I want to be good for my family. I am at this point truly "ragged out". I look old, frumpy and ugly. I can't seem to motivate myself to do anything.
I wake up in the am usually to the sounds of Jack-Jack whining out in the living room with Kit. Most of the time I wake up with the best of intentions. Like, today I'm going to go take that class at theY, I'm going to clean the house and enjoy my day. But something seems to throw me off.Sometimes, it's something reasonable with my physical health. Like a lupus headache or a seizure. That is on some level, valid. But, more often these days, it's just that I am completely overwhelmed with sadness, tears, exhaustion, fear, anxiety.
The other night Kit and I had a great talk. I kept trying to figure out why that talk went so well when almost all the other attempts I make at reaching out to him fail miserably. He told me that night that I was coming across better.Not like I was going to attack him. He said when we communicate that way he feels more connected to me. The things he said to me that night meant so much. Now,I just can't seem to figure out how to act whatever way it was that lets him open up to me.
I woke up this morning and thought hey,maybe Kit and I could go ride our bikes together.Since Melissa is here, maybe she could watch the baby. But I felt like everytime I tried to start a conversation with Kit or just to engage with him, I felt like I was putting him out. Within minutes of seeing him, I'd talked myself out of all the stuff I thought I'd wanted to do today. He's out on his bike now and I'm in my cave (my bedroom) while Melissa watches Jackson. I can't stop crying. I feel like throwing up. I'm a mess.
I'm wasting Kit's Christmas vacation acting like a stupid idiot. I wouldn't want to be around me either. I just don't have any idea how to stop doing this.
Right now I just want to feel a connection to my family. But,I'm so busy sabotaging everything and pushing everyone away. Why can't I stop this.
The other night Maddie and I were watching an old family video of Kate's first year of life. There were great parts of it with Riley. Maddie made some comment about how "skinny" I was after Katy was born. and she was curious as to why I still had "baby fat" from Jackson. I'mthinking Jeez, couldn't be all the chemo and steroids and all. No, I'm just lazy. I hate everything about myself. But then when I mentioned it to Kit, Kit's comment was that I am so "ragged out" because I'm married to him. Well, there ya go. I truly do look like crap. It's not just me being hard on myself and insecure.
Please God, I need help. Major help. I can not see my place in this family let alone the world. I hurt so badly on the inside. If I don't get this figured out and fix it I'm going to loose everything. Even Kit can only take so much. I am not any good to him or the kids. I don't want to loose Kit and my children. I love them so much. But,I'm such a weak mess, I deserve to be alone. I deserve to not have all the blessings I have in my life. My father"Bob"was right about me. I am an embarrassment. I contribute nothing to those I love. I've let myself go and can't expect my husband to be attracted to what I've become.
I just want to curl up in my husbands arms and feel loved. But, right now he'd have to be crazy to want to spend time with me. I will get through this. I'm not giving up. I will somehow get it together.

OK, we had what I think was our first real "freeze"last night. Kit and Maddie did their traditional "sleep under the Christmas tree" on the first official night it's up. John called to firm up plans for Kate to spend her holiday break here in NC with us. It's beginning to look at lot like Christmas!
Every year after we decorate the tree, we put in "National Lampoons Christmas Vacation" and laugh our heads off. I quote the lines and make the same stupid comments and jokes every year. And every year, Kit, acts as if he hasn't heard me say the same things the same way every year. God bless him for putting up with me.
So far operation "keep our family Christmas tree safe"seems to be working. Baby Jack-Jack has not yet wrestled the tree to the floor or attempted to climb up it. But yet it is only the 8th, there is plenty of time for all sorts of family fun, or gosh forbid, ER visits.
Maddie obsessed over getting the darn angel on top of the tree. It took us a couple days to actually locate it up in the attic. Anyway, she is safely up on her perch and now we can all rest easier.
I used to think that when grown ups got all sentimental around the holidays it was weird. Surely, that wouldn't happen to me. Whats there to be all smushy about anyway? It's all good right? Cool lights, great home cooking, festivity everywhere ya look? Lots of love, peace and of course, presants. Whats to cry about???
Like any other time of year, I believe, it is a "choice" to be happy. Or sad, or stressed out, or well, ya get the idea. God, I hate actually saying that statement. But, like it or not. It's true. But this week, has been a crazy tough week for me to actually choose my mood.
I am finding myself ............remembering. This year has been a special year. There has been significant (at least to me) loss in my life. I think God really knew that I needed something amazing to occur to help me get through the loss part. So, as anyone who has read my blog knows, God sent me Jackson. Our beautiful son. God has blessed me so much. I appreciate all the blessings. I'm just afraid most of the time, that I'm gonna "f" it up.
I feel like I want to write about the loss I expierenced in the last year. I'm not sure I can actually get through writing about either one of them. There were two. But, I'm gonna go ahead and give it a shot.
Let's start with Riley. OK, not good, all I did was type his name and my eyes are tearing. What the heck is my problem anyway. I grieved. I think I did a decent job of that. I'm bad at a lot of things. Grieving is not one of them. I'm a great griever. I cry. I share funny little stories about the life of the departed. I stop eating (for like a day) and I start back up. Still eating. I'm a good eater too...btw. OK, back to Ri.
When my ex-hubby, John and I got married, I made him agree to getting a dog. He wasn't exactly a dog person. More a cat kind of guy. But nonetheless, he begrudgingly committed to letting me bring a dog into our home, once we had an actual home.
Within 5 months of our wedding, we found out we were expecting. A baby that is. Not the dog, atleast not yet. Knowing we were going to need more space than the apartment we had so we found a home we liked on the outskirts of Pittsburgh, PA. Our offer hadn't even been accepted yet and I was calling the vet to see what breeders she recommended.
I knew I wanted a golden retriever. For two reasons. 1: I've always wanted a golden retriever. and 2: my mother is allergic to most things with fur. Especially, long gold hair. That last comment was meant to be a joke, but the truth of it is, having a pet that my mother couldn't be around for long amounts of time, came in handy.
I found a breeder in Swickley, Pa. She had a momma-to-be dog, named Sara. Sara was due any day. I put my name on the adoptive parents list. Submitted to an intense questioning and background check and waited for the call that the puppies had arrived.
On May 12,1994, I got the call. The puppies were here. All healthy. Now, all I had to do was go for a visit and pick out the pup that would be "mine". I remember the rainy day that I took myself over to the breeders home. The breeder took me down into the finished basement to meet "mama Sara". I slowly walked over to the welping pen and met mom briefly. She had these huge beautiful brown eyes and she looked.............tired. But she was a magnificent golden. Seeing her in person, I could understand why Sara had won all of the titles that she had.
Mom was taken out back for some "me time" and I was allowed to "pick my puppy". I remember this like it was yesterday. I sat down in the welping pen with the babies. There were 12 puppies. 7 girls and 5 boys. I had heard that boy goldens bond more with their female owners and girls with the male owners. I had thought then, I'd want a boy puppy. But I hadn't made up my mind yet.
I carefully help each and every puppy for a good bit. One at a time. Even at this early, and eye closed stage, they had individual little personalities. Some were just looking to find where the food was at. Some were sleepy. Some were pretty active and curious as to what had a hold of them. Then, there was Ri. I picked him up and immediately noticed he had a big brown spot on the tip of his nose. I wasn't planning on showing my dog, so I thought it was just a cute little trait. I put him on my chest and he literally, snuggled right up to me. I didn't believe in love at first sight. Not till then. What happened at that moment was.............love. I was done for. He was to be "mine".
I sat holding him for what was probably a long time. Until mom was brought back in to feed the troops again. I hated to say goodbye to Ri. But, it was only for a little while. The breeder gave me visitation rights anytime I wanted until the puppies were old enough to go to their new homes.
I visited. I took video and pictures of my "baby boy". I called for updates on him. I probably drove the poor breeder nutty. Needless to say, she was ready,even a little early, for me to pick up the puppy at 7 weeks.
Riley was supposed to be "crate trained". We had the crate and Riley was put in there whenever we had to go to work or out somewhere. I spoiled him. I couldn't stand to listen to him wimper in the crate at night when we would go to sleep. So, I did the thing your not supposed to do. I snuggled him in bed with me. Riley and I were tight.
I did all the potty breaks in the middle of the night. I taught Ri how to sit, lay down and the one or two other commands he knew. We were moving along swimmingly.
Ri loved to put his head on my pregnant belly and feel the baby kick. He'd lay his head on my stomach and sit and wait for a kick. When he felt the kick, his ears would go up but he'd keep his head right on my stomach, waiting for another round of kicks.
Everything was fine until the baby thought about coming early. I went into pre-term labor at a painstakingly early 24 weeks. After a few days in the hospital, I was sent home on medication and complete bedrest. No joke. Not allowed out of bed except to go to the bathroom. Ugh.
John had to work during the day and I couldn't risk taking the puppy out for a walk. What the heck would this poor little 12 week old pup have to do?
Most puppies would've done what puppies do. Go nuts. Chew and pee on everything. That would be "normal" puppy behavior. We didn't have anyone to call to help during the day with Ri.But the first day of bedrest, the strangest thing happened. John took Ri out for a good "out"before he left for work. He made sure Ri had his breakfast. Then Riley crawled up onto the bed with me and snuggled in. That little boy dog stayed quietly on the bed next to me the ENTIRE day. When John came home from work, Ri ran to the door and met him to go out. But, no accidents, no surprises. He was as good as "gold". Excuse the pun.
The next 3 &1/2 months were the same way. Ri considered himself on "doggie" bedrest with me. I'd read to him. We'd watch our favorite tv shows together. We shared snacks and take naps all snuggled up together in the bed.
Riley got me through that pregnancy. But that was just the beginning. Riley loved baby Kate. He took having her around very seriously. He slept under her crib when she napped. Although, at night, he still slept wherever I was. When she cried, he'd come get me. When she learned to sit up, Ri would lay next to her on the floor and watch her every move.
When Kate was ready, Ri helped her learn to walk. Just like he did with Maddie when she learned to walk. Ri would position himself with his hind end to the kids. He'd start out lying in front of them and he'd let them grab onto his tail. Then he'd slowly stand up allowing the kids to get upright.

Thankful.

Today is the last day of November. As I write this I can feel the warm breeze through my open window. It's sunny and in the 70's. Not your usual November weather. I'm not complaining. I'm digging it.
Our baby boy's first Thanksgiving found me thankful for my daughter, Madison's wonderful behavior at my parent's house for dinner. It also found me thankful that my mother is becoming more hard of hearing and was only slightly able to hear her grandson (our beloved little Jackson) screaming his head off throughout the evening. Anyone passing by their home on that night may have wondered if we were in fact fixing to have a small child for our holiday dinner instead of the large poultry product we were actually partaking of.
With the usual holiday stressful stories aside, let me take a moment to say what I am truly thankful for this 06 year.
I am thankful for my amazing husband. Kit continues to believe in me. Many times, I've lost sight of the good parts of myself. Especially as of late. I'm lucky enough to be married to a man who is a source of light in those dark times. He is behind me always, with his constant unconditional love, support and what can sometimes feel like irritating pushing. Those pushes help me find the me he sees. He gets me back on track and occasionally onto a brand new track. He never gives up on me and he never lets me give up on myself. I am thankful to be married to my rock, my friend and the man who inspires me to be the wife I know he deserves and the person I hope to be. I'm not there yet, but I'm working on it.
I am thankful for my children. Kate is growing up so fast. I can feel the "tween" hormonal surges in her words these days. I am afraid of the teen years with all my children. But, for right now I am grateful that she still talks to me. I am thankful that she shares her stories and funny happenings with me. I am thankful for the person she is and the young lady she is becoming. She still laughs at most of my stupid jokes. Although, I can't imagine that will continue much longer.
I am thankful for Maddie's constant sense of humor. She is a silly, smart, curious little 8 yr. old. She keeps me giggling and makes everyone in the house full of laughter. I am also thankful for her sweet, caring attitude towards others.
Baby Jackson is our littlest gift. He wasn't planned. There were lots of things with my health that had us concerned about my pregnancy with this little one. Somehow, he showed up healthy and chubby. I adore our baby boy. Just between God, me and the gazillion or so other unknowns that may pass by this blog.......................Jackson is exactly what I have always prayed for. Thank you Lord for our beautiful, sweet boy. Our family is now complete.
I could go on and on with things I'm thankful for but perhaps I'll stop here. These four people are my life. I am thankful that God has put them in my life.

Great things are happening to day!

Good things are happening today! I woke up to my husband getting my 8 yr old ready for the school bus and entertaining my 9 mth old (who he got up at the crack of dawn, so I could sleep). The first thing I do when I awake is take an physical inventory. Sounds weird, I know. But, that is what I do. With my lupus, I usually have discomfort on some level. So, when I get out of bed I can tell a lot by my walk to the kitchen what sort of day it's going to be........physically. Today is a low pain day. Today is also my hubby's day off from work. I shower and dress and manage to get myself and our 9 mth old ready to go out to breakfast with my husband. The incredible part is that we did this by 8:30 am. WOO-HOO!! Good things are happening today!
We try out a new breakfast place. It's got a great vibe, great food, great service!! Our baby (who is woken up from a power nap in the car riding to the restaurant) couldn't be happier in this busy, loud and bustling restaurant. This in itself is a great, great thing! He entertains himself flirting with the little girl at the table behind us and mastering his "pincher" skill. Which to anyone who doesn't have any children wouldn't know (and probably would not care) is their ability to pick up little pieces of food and actually get them to their mouthes. Our baby LOVES pancakes!! Hubby and I take turns feeding the baby bites of pancakes and scrambled eggs from our plates. Watching my son eat pancakes is in itself a delight. Which each bite, his eyes literally light up and his eyebrows raise way up high on his face and every bit of his little body......smiles! It's a beautiful thing and it's happening today!
After a wonderful breakfast, baby falls asleep in the his car seat and hubby and I decide to take a drive up the beach. Tourist season is pretty much over here on the banks. It's relatively quiet, except for the left over marathoners that were in town for yesterdays OBX marathon. We drive as far north on rt 12 as you can go. All the way up through Corolla, passing the Currituck lighthouse. This is another great thing happening today.
When we get home from our little car ride, the baby is up and ready to play. My husband heads out to brave the busterlous (I hear that is really a word, but I'm not sure) elements on this November day on the coast of North Carolina on his bike. My husband's bike is his therapy, his true love. It makes him happy and I love that he has something that gives him that peace and happiness. I think he thinks I resent his time out on the bike. Truth is, I don't. He does so much for me and the children. He gives and gives. It's hell being married to me. No joke. So, I am thankful he has that bike (those bikes)in his life. For him it's a wonderful thing. Riding will help him be healthier and hopefully live longer. I love him and I love how being on the bike affects his sense of well being. Him getting a chance to ride is another great thing happening today.
I'm struggling to live in the moment, I'm struggling to think positively. I feel uncomfortable when nothing bad or dysfunctional is happening. But I have lots of positive things to focus on that are happening today. I am grateful for my husband and my children and our life. I am grateful that I have a chance to figure out how to get my head healthier and enjoy happiness. I have so much to be happy for. I am grateful for today and the great things that are happening!

One of those days.

Today is one of those days. I really don't know what exactly is wrong with me. I only know for sure that something certainly is. Some days I do ok at pushing through my physical fatigue and pain. Some days I do not. Today is one of those days.
I get so angry with myself. Why can't I be ok most days? I tell myself to try harder. Do better. I tell myself how it's so unfair to my children and my husband to deal with me struggling. When I can't push through the affects of my chronic disease and the depression that sometimes in itself is more overwhelming than the actual lupus, they are left in essence without a wife and mother. Or even worse, they are left with a tangible person who is here but is unable to be the wife and mother they deserve and need.
Is it so unreasonable that I would wonder if their life would be so much happier and enjoyable if they didn't have to deal with me and my lupus? It probably makes me selfish to think thoughts like these. But today, is one of those days, when I have these thoughts.
I love my children and husband so much. I however, have for a very long time thought that someday, somehow, my lupus would go into a real remission and I could be the me I sometimes pretend in my head, I am. The me who is happy, healthy, strong, funny, basically,...the wife and mother my family deserves.
I hear things come out of my mouth that I hate myself for saying. Things like "I'm too tired", "I need some down time", and my husband's personal favorite..."I can't". Where the hell is the line between accepting your physical limitations and being a whining baby? I can't seem to find the damn line.
I play that lupus will go away mind game a lot. Maybe it's my way of tricking myself so that I don't completely give up on myself. But then what happens is this. I feel better for a little while and I go gangbusters. Trying to "make up" for when I was sick. I clean everything I can clean, I try to be funny and just all out super mom. Then, here comes the predictable part folks, I crash into a wall. Usually figuratively, although sometimes literally too. When this happens it's like I'm facing my diagnosis and my limitations all over again. Instead of accepting it and rolling with it.
How do people do that? How do people with a chronic disease like me stand themselves? I keep trying to figure this out. I know I'm derpressed. I know I have huge issues. I feel like a hamster on a freaking treamill. Atleast hamsters have shorter life expectancies. I love my family. I want to be someone who contributes to their life. All I can see that I am right now is a hinderance. If your either contaminating or contributing a relationship.......................guess I know where I'm at with this.
Some days I have a better attitude. It usually corresponds with my physical condition on that given day. When I can be productive and "contribute" I feel happier. Today is not one of "those days". Today I hate myself.

Missing Kate.

I get to talk to her most days. Not nearly as much as I'd like to talk to her. Or even better, hug her. Today, like many or most or actually, every day, I'm missing Kate.
Katy is my eleven yr. old (going on 22 yr old) daughter. She spends her school year with her dad in Pittsburgh, Pa. She is with us during summer break, Christmas break and Easter break. It's not enough. But it's our reality.
Most people seem to think that when parents divorce, the children go with the mother. My child didn't. I could try to explain this. But really it just came down to me believing that at that point my daughter, my Kate, was better off with her dad. In the house she had been in since we brought her home from the hospital as a newborn. The house that I walked away from. I wasn't proud of the way or the reasons I left that life and that house. I wasn't proud of myself. Hell, I hated myself for the way I was then. I think I hated myself so much that I made myself think I didn't deserve the loving husband and family I had at that point in my life. I sabotaged everything. Tricked myself into thinking that everyone I loved would be better off without me and I set out to start over with a new life. I hurt a lot of people I loved dearly.
I atlelast stayed in the immediate area for another yr. and would see Kate for half the week every week. But then after remarrying, I had to relocate to a place on the other end of the country and just knew that would be rediculously difficult on my daughter and destroy my ex-husband. I had done enough to him and could not bring myself to hurt him anymore. So, off I went. Leaving where Kate was was not my first mistake or my last mistake. But it was one of the biggest mistakes in my life.
That was 10 yrs ago. Seems like forever. A lot has changed since then. I feel like I have no right to really complain about how much I miss her when we are apart. I made my bed, I get to sleep in it now. But I love my daughter and I will always love my daughter. I just miss her so much.
She plays ice hockey now. She loves it! I wish like heck I could be at her games to cheer her on.
She just lost her grandmother two weeks ago to cancer. She was so very close to her grandmother. A woman I considered my "mom"at one time. I couldn't be there to hold Kate and tell her in person how much I love her and how sorry I was for how much she was hurting.
That is what a mother is supposed to do. I'm failing.
Kate is a beautiful, intelligent, funny, loving young lady. I know that she has become and will continue to grow this way due to the influence of her father and his family. Espescially the loving influence up until now of her now deceased grandmother.
I will continue to try to keep as close to her through e-mails, phone calls, visits and our time together. It's not the same as getting to "raise her". But I abandoned that priveledge.
I'm lucky to have Kate as my daughter. I love her. I hope one day she will be able to serparate my mistakes in the past from my deep,unconditional love for her and know that everyday that we were apart, I was ........................................missing her.
I love you Katy.

Trick-or-Treat!

Happy Halloween! This halloween is my son, Jackson's, first one. I had thought it would be so much fun to dress his, not so little, 9 month old body up in a cute lion costume. I even worked with him this week on how to "Roar!". Forget saying trick-or-treat, after all he is only 9 month's old. Jack-Jack (as we have started calling him for some weird reason) has a somewhat limited vocabulary at this point. Mostly ba-ba,da-da,ma-ma....you get the jist. But he could almost get out a roar.
Yesterday Jack-Jack comes down with a fever and runny nose. He's still not himself today. So, no trick-or-treating for him tonight. I've realized I'm more bummed out about it than he obviously is. I'm sure he'll have just as much fun answering the door with me to our neighborhood kids in their costumes. Although, his older sister, Madison, is disappointed with his not going out with her. Only because it means a lot less candy at the end of the night for her to have. Oh well.
Madison is excited to dress up in her red dragon costume. My oldest daughter, Katy, will be dressing as the famous hockey player Mario Lemieux. She continues to love playing ice hockey on her all girls team and watching the Pittsburgh Penguins play on T.V.
Halloween has changed quite a bit since I was a kiddo out there trecking through our neighborhoods with my heavy pillowcase. I remember the smell of the glue in the masks of those old costumes that my mom would buy at the store. Now, I'm really dating myself. But these costumes would come in square boxes with clear fronts so you could see the mask inside.
At the time I lived in the north east, so I always had a size or two larger costume to fit my extra layers of clothing on underneathe. I would go house to house like all the other kids in my neighborhood. Except for the one extra "spooky" house on the street. Ya know the one, every neighborhood has one. It''s the one where the owners go all out, spooky music, tombstones, and some crazy person in an all to real costume popping out at you when you went up to try to get a candy bar. Also, after a few halloweens, we knew which houses to skip. The ones who gave out pennies, or toothbrushes or anything "healthy". And also, the ones where the one old guy or lady would constantly come out and yell at the neighborhood kids to "get the H-e-double hockey sticks off of their yard".
I probably wasn't alone in the fact that I was forbidden to actually eat any of my loot until it has been screened by proper security at home. My parents would empty out the pillowcase onto the floor or table and go through each and every candy or whatever was in there to make sure it was "safe". At the time, I thought it was irritating. Now,as I parent, I get it. I love that my parents did that for me.
Now adays, we hardly see many trick-or-treaters. We live in a large neighborhood with lots of kids. But for some reason not many of them actually go out for halloween. I always buy way too many bags of candy to give out. Don't want to have to turn the porch light out early because I ran out of candy. Ugh. Anyway, I guess like most everything else, things change. Atleast, the holiday still gives me a reason to see my girls get all excited to dress up in cute costumes and also an opportunity to teach my smallest one to roar!!!
Happy Halloween!

I type faster than I write.

OK, so I type faster than I write. A lot faster. I've kept written journals for most of my life. Off and on. Sometime in the past few years I started not being able to keep up with my thoughts with handwriting and the time just never seems to be there anymore to get much of anything done. I have all this junk running around my brain. I need to get it out. My brain is on complete overload. This is where and why I find myself here. At a blog. Let's see if even my fingers can keep up with my thoughts.