Missing Kate.

I get to talk to her most days. Not nearly as much as I'd like to talk to her. Or even better, hug her. Today, like many or most or actually, every day, I'm missing Kate.
Katy is my eleven yr. old (going on 22 yr old) daughter. She spends her school year with her dad in Pittsburgh, Pa. She is with us during summer break, Christmas break and Easter break. It's not enough. But it's our reality.
Most people seem to think that when parents divorce, the children go with the mother. My child didn't. I could try to explain this. But really it just came down to me believing that at that point my daughter, my Kate, was better off with her dad. In the house she had been in since we brought her home from the hospital as a newborn. The house that I walked away from. I wasn't proud of the way or the reasons I left that life and that house. I wasn't proud of myself. Hell, I hated myself for the way I was then. I think I hated myself so much that I made myself think I didn't deserve the loving husband and family I had at that point in my life. I sabotaged everything. Tricked myself into thinking that everyone I loved would be better off without me and I set out to start over with a new life. I hurt a lot of people I loved dearly.
I atlelast stayed in the immediate area for another yr. and would see Kate for half the week every week. But then after remarrying, I had to relocate to a place on the other end of the country and just knew that would be rediculously difficult on my daughter and destroy my ex-husband. I had done enough to him and could not bring myself to hurt him anymore. So, off I went. Leaving where Kate was was not my first mistake or my last mistake. But it was one of the biggest mistakes in my life.
That was 10 yrs ago. Seems like forever. A lot has changed since then. I feel like I have no right to really complain about how much I miss her when we are apart. I made my bed, I get to sleep in it now. But I love my daughter and I will always love my daughter. I just miss her so much.
She plays ice hockey now. She loves it! I wish like heck I could be at her games to cheer her on.
She just lost her grandmother two weeks ago to cancer. She was so very close to her grandmother. A woman I considered my "mom"at one time. I couldn't be there to hold Kate and tell her in person how much I love her and how sorry I was for how much she was hurting.
That is what a mother is supposed to do. I'm failing.
Kate is a beautiful, intelligent, funny, loving young lady. I know that she has become and will continue to grow this way due to the influence of her father and his family. Espescially the loving influence up until now of her now deceased grandmother.
I will continue to try to keep as close to her through e-mails, phone calls, visits and our time together. It's not the same as getting to "raise her". But I abandoned that priveledge.
I'm lucky to have Kate as my daughter. I love her. I hope one day she will be able to serparate my mistakes in the past from my deep,unconditional love for her and know that everyday that we were apart, I was ........................................missing her.
I love you Katy.