It's been forever since my last post. I was feeling like things were leveling out. I guess to some extent they are. I just finished reading my spouses blog (for the first time in months). I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed that he never mentions me, his wife. But he goes on and on about his bike, his rides, his stuff that has to do with riding. I get that riding makes him happy. I try to always encourage him to go out and ride.
But all the good stuff that is happening here in the family (Katy, Maddie and Jackson) I guess only is important enough in my eyes to incorporate in my blog. I am the mother so I guess that comes with the job. I am thrilled to have Katy here back home. She is so grown up. She just gets more and more beautiful and smart and I am over the moon to have her here.
This will be short as I'm still contemplating what REALLY matters to my husband. This makes me sad.
My emotions have leveled out, thank goodness. Maddie and I both are in therapy. Kit keeps saying he's going to start. We'll see.
I just am getting to where I feel a weird combination of numbness along with emotional and physical pain. But at the end of the day, I think I'm just about............over it. I love my husband with my whole heart, but his mood swings has become so apparent to me. I guess now that my head is clearer I notice that stuff more.
It's probably my fault, after all I've put him through this year. Sigh................when do you realize that enough is really enough and if you be happy together what is the next move??
But my children, are my world. And atleast the fighting has pretty much stopped in the house and there is a sort of peace in our family. I can deal with that. As long as my children are thriving.
My life, my feelings, my dreams and aspirations are,............well, not on the list of stuff to concern myself with at this point.

Tell me I'm actually dreaming and he's not dancing in THAT!!

today started for me (actually I never went to sleep last nigh, don't ask, so yesterday didn't really end yet) with huge thunderstorms and our toddler son proving he does not discriminate in his dishing out the "blow outs". Yes, Kit, I opened up Jackson's door this morning to find him saying "Oh no, Oh no", over and over again. Needless to say, he was marching in something that no one needs to visualize (Let your imaginations run wild folks) certainly not me who was hoping to see Jackson and his diaper on the same side of the crib. But honey, I think I see your "blow out" and raise you a "blow out" with him literally marching in his. So dear husband of mine, I get the adrenaline rush you mentioned when you awoke to a similar situation the other morning. Thank you dear Jack-Jack for the adrenaline rush and that morning bath for both of us. I only needed half as much coffee as I would've needed had you actually kept your diaper on. So tonight when I put my little one down for bed he will have something new that every little man will no doubt come familiar with.............................duck tape. Quack, Quack!!! If I walk in to any thing like that again tomorrow, it's time to whip out the super glue. Yikes!!!!
Hope that give you a giggle Kit. I apologize for any poor soul who reads my blog and accidentally stumbles on way too much info.

Got up this am in a good mood ready to attack my new way of thinking and have a good day.Espescially since this is our last day together as a family for a week. Kit leaves to go out of town this weekend for a week.
I came out of the bedroom with lots of good info from the social worker who I had just gotten off the phone with and Kit was so cold, so stand off ish and just mean. I ended up in tears and went back to my room. It hurt so much and I realized, this is going to be a long road, but I'm not going to give up. He doesn't understand how I can expect him to just change overnight and be like "oh ok, everything is cool between Chris and I now". I'm not expecting that, I was just expecting that if I treated him with kindness and openess that he would do the same with me. Not the way it goes.
I love him so much I'll keep trying. I love my kids, so I'll keep trying. But today, my heart is hurting really badly.
I'm not an awful person. I just have to keep telling myself and find people in my life who agree. i will continue to let :"Jesus take the wheel" and surrender to both the Lord and to Kit. The belittleling and criticizing and awful way I treat Kit has to stop nnow and I'll just keep loving him the way he deserves to be loves as I grow in my love of the Lord. I'll get there. I'm sure really sad right now.

Stinkin thinkin

Who am I? I know the first things that come to mind when I ask myself that question, but it's stuff that I do, not WHO I am. I always thought by the time I got to the age I'm at now, that I'd have myself and the world figured out.
I knew from the time I was a little girl that I wanted to be a wife and mother. I didn't expect that I wouldn't be fantastic at it. Not that I'm the world's worst mom, I'm just and ok mom. I'm actually a really rotten wife.
But this post isn't about putting myself down. I've got that negative thought process down to a t tee. It's about figuring out how to change my thinking patterns, it's about finding the me deep down inside (I know that is there), and finding the courage to let her out. Man, I know I'd be so much more fulfilled and hopefully find happiness.
I don't want to be so controlling anymore. I want to "let go" and GOD.. Cheezy but true. I want to be more concerned about peace, harmony, love and fun (yes definitely) in our family more than I want to be right.
There is a lot of work to do but with God all things are truly possible. I know I'm trying to break out of this huge depression. But tonight, I feel...........hope. Such a wonderful feeling.
I know and I am ready to start taking care of me so that I can be better to take care of my family.
Things like taking vitamins and eating good for me foods.
drinking lots of water. I'm horrible at that. I never stay hydrated and now it's so important.
I have to find a way some how atleast 4-5 days a week to get cardio in. It makes me feel so much better once I get going.
I want to feel good about the way I look, not embarrassed. I want to tone up, get healthy and let those lovely exercise endophins bring out the real Chris.



I love. I truly love. The deep down, would die for someone love. Like my family of course. I love to laugh and tell funny stories. I used to like to dance in the rain and do crazy things. Now, I know I'm an adult now and I shouldn't act too much like a lunatic if I want to stay out of the psych ward.
Here is the really sad part. I don't know if my children, husband, friends, etc....know how much I love them and how important they are to me.
I've let bitterness, my need to control (because of my fear of trusting) overtake all my good feelings. I have a lot of positive qualities to add to my family, friends and church. The Lord has a plan for my life and I'm ready to start living how he wants me to live.
I watch Kit when he sleeps sometimes and I think about how much I just want to crawl up into his arms and tell him how much I appreciate and love him and how I am determined to find the Chris he fell in love with. Of course I won't be exactly the same. But my family deserves so much more, so much more fun and a lot less fear from.
I'm going to continue with counseling and working on my relationship with the Lord and see which way he points me. I need his help in biting my tongue when I start to criticize or say something or do something hurtful towards anyone.
I have gotten so afraid of vulnerability, abandonment and other stuff that I push people away. This is stupid. People will come and go in my life. It's life. Hopefully, if I just start digging and working on myself, and let go..........people will see that underneath all that pain and my awful way of treating people, there is a good woman. A woman who has passions and talents and has the capability to LOVE. I know this will take a while. Mostly for others to believe I'm really working on seriously changing.
I love Kit so very much. I want us to have peace and harmony and just find a friendship between us somewhere. I don't want us to be afraid of eachother anymore.
I start tonight with my thoughts and this will be a constant ongoing battle and I ask for any prayers of anyone that may have read this. When some negative comment jumps into my head, I immediately replace it with a positive one. I look forward everyday to Kit coming home, and then once he walks through the door you know what I do. I put my walls up and I give him a cool reception. When inside I'm screaming, "just hug him Chris". Tell him the truth that you missed him during the day and show my happiness at having him home.
I know real happiness is out there and I'm finally realizing that it isn't just changing myself to please Kit. Because first of all, thats not what he wants. He wants me to truly find happiness no matter what that may mean. But I have made excuses for so long for why I don't dust those old talents and passions of mine and put them to use somehow. I'll pray about it and see if maybe the Lord can use me in those ways. If that is not his will then I just pray that he shows me which way he wants me to go.
I had secretly been working on a children's play and I had forgotten how much I loved writing and of course how much I love both directing and acting. I LOVED doing weekly acting /improv workshops with high school kids at a large church Kit and I belonged to and I know I've probably mentioned it before. I was so proud of that. And doing that made me beyond happy. The way the Lord showed me to use performing arts to lead teens to the Lord and how he led me closer to him in the process was incredible.
Like I said, I know the Lord has big plans for my life. The life I"m living and the way I'm living it now is not in his plan. I pray that he will guide me and continue to draw me to him and his word.
First baby step is the stinkin thinkin. Then, I'll slowly but persistantly add the changes as the Lord guides me through. Thank you Lord Jesus for being in my life and bringing to my attention so clearly, that just because I have Lupus, I AM NOT LUPUS!! I am Chris. Look out world I can't wait for you to meet the real me.

Tough day.

Today has gotten worse. Kit and I had a good week. I actually was pushed (practically) out the door on both Kit's day's off to go do "family stuff". Once I got out, I felt human. Like the old Chris. It's just getting out that is the hard part.
I'm always afraid I'm going to embarrass myself by saying something stupid or Lord forbid, having a seizure in front of someone.
I felt embarrassed that the night the paramedics took me out of my home into the ambulance, I looked over and saw Pastor Andy and Steve standing there. I hate for people to see me like that.
So, anyway, my pain is about an 11 on a 1-10 and I'm exhausted. Just a way of life for me. Unfortunately, I feel like I'm not handling my disease and all that goes with it very poorly.
I feel beyond depressed. I feel almost hopeless and worst of all, I've lost faith.
I'm left all day with the kids while Kit has to go to work and I used to be able to handle all that no problem. But since the seizures (which have stopped) since a new medication, I think my brain has suffered some serious problems.
I don't want to be a mom right now. I don't want to be a wife right now. I feel worthless and I don't know how much more I can take.
I've made an appt. with a therapist I used to see, for this Wednesday and hopefully she can start a course of direction for me. Because I just can not live like this.
My only identity is as a mom and wife. I used to be such a great actress, dancer and I was told I was the best motivational/acting workshop leader that our old Pastor had ever seen. But those days are gone and now my only responsibility is to take care of the kids and be a "wife". I have nothing in my life that is for me and I'm way beyond resenting that fact. It just is the way it is.
Oh well, things can only get better.
I'll hang in the best I can

selfish

I've taken the time today to catch up on Nate and Trisha's blog and Pastor Rick's too. Even though Trisha is on a ventilator and sedated, Nate is doing an amazing job of communicating with whoever hits his blog. Baby Gweneth ( I hope I spelled that right)Rose was taken by C-sect. a couple days ago and is the nurses say she is doing amazingly well, considering she wasn't quite 25 weeks yet. She is a miracle baby and seeing how strong Nate's faith is in his communication by blog strikes another negative chord in me.
I can't find anything (not one single thing) that I feel good about myself for. I'm consumed by my disease and pushing everyone I love away. I'm sick of being sick and tired and when lupus came into my life,. it changed me. I had hoped at different points that the changes would be for the better. But today, and for months and maybe longer, I've had to come to this place that I am at now.
I'm a selfish, taker who most of the time only thinks about myself. I have no motivation to live at this point. I truly believe my kids, husband and anyone else who thinks they care about me would be better off without the draining I cause in their lives. I guess the good thing is, I'm afraid to die. Ironic. Afraid to live, afraid to die. Bit of a problem there.
I read Nate's blog and it makes me hate myself even more, if possible. How can someone have that kind of faith in a time like the one he is going through?? Why can't I find that faith. Why have I just gotten more bitter and angry and hateful? I hate what I've become. I know I'm in a deep, deep depression. I feel like I'm falling down a bottomless dark hole and nothing can save me.
I literally go to sleep and pray that I won't wake up. There must be some mistake. I have not purpose here. God must've overestimated me. I'm exhausted and in pain and I don't want to do this for one single more day.

I can not take much more. I woke up this morning with kit making me a deal he would call me at 6:30 am so I could get up maddie and get her off to school. It's unusual that all is quiet at 6am here in the ams. But today it was and I was exhuasted and in much need of another half hr. of sleep. Kit forgot to call me to wake me till 7 am. Maddie's bus comes at 7 :15 am. I ran down stairs to get up Maddie and rush her off to school when I discovered shad a 102 degree temp. So, again she is sick and has to stay home from school. Maddie is usually very healthy and never misses school but she's missing lots this year and she is struggling so much with her 3rd grade curriculum. I'm afraid she'll get held back and I am failing her too. UGh.
Within realizing Maddie had a temp, it was within moments that she vomited and at the same time as all this, the dog is screaching and barking. I've had it with that dog and I would pay someone to take him away and give him a good home. I can't keep up with my kids, my disease, my husband, my home my life.....etc....... I am overwhelmed and exhausted everyday. I can not take much more of this.
While I juggled my vomiting daughter, screaching dog, and 22 month old son covered in oif pee and poop from his over night diaper, I find myself on the floor and within seconds I am in the midst of a seizure. I am failing everyone I love and I can't take it much longer. I need help. I would cry happy tears if I could just have a litttle help somewhere here.
I feel like I have NO one to call and ask for help. My kids are paying the price for that and I am left on a daily basis with the fear of seizing, and choking on my own vomit and dying in front of my children on my kitchen floor. I'm too tired to think straight and in to much pain to put on an act.
I know this week I have to put on a good act . Kit's got to get this job . I have to keep my mouth shut. I'm still furious with the way he blew me off yesterday and the day before (my only rest days) and I can't \help but equate that with how not seriously he takes my disease and the importance of what both I tell him and the doctors tell him about me needing to rest. He just expects me to not only keep going, till I end up in the er, plus I';m supposed to shower, make up and make myself look nice for him too. You know what I feel like saying to that???????? I can barely get out of bed and he is upset that I'm not attractive enough for him.
well, I tried last night making myself more "attractive" for his sake and tried to connect with him on a physical level. WSell, I hope he got what he wanted. I am in pain and even more exhausted than I was before. I just want to be loved and this conditional stuff is bull shit. I'm over it.
I'm not well enough to leave. But, I feel unloved and unwanted and I have not idea how I"m safely going to get through the day with the children. But, hell, thats my problem. I just want to die, I can't even take care of my kids safely. I'm in horrible pain, exhuastion and I just would've been so much better off if i had had atleast one of the two days promised me to rest. I just don't matter, not a priority. Obviously, otherwise, things would've gone differently.
I think that the continued taken for granted Kit does with me is causing me to fall out of love with him. How can you love someone who even though he knows you can seize at any point with your kids and basically die in front of them, it'a hard to love someone who ignores you and promises you things he knows aren't deliverable.
I must return to my sick kids and try to remain conscious, I am scared and unsure of how this day will work out. I'm tired of having to deal with the kids and my disease and all the home stuff alone. be it would be best if I died today. I can't feel any emore.motions that are making me want to fight anymre. I'm nothing. I'm left to figure it out myelf and I'm tired of failing as a mother and a wife.
Please, Lord, let it stop somehow. Let there be an answer I haven't thought of yet. Please help[ me somehow.