Letting go of letting others dictate my emotions and my moods.

Today I'm feeling better. I did lots of housework yesterday and so I was tired and achy today. But thanks to Kate, I got to rest all afternoon and now I feel much better.
Kate deleted her old myspace page. Now she has a new one with nothing but My Chemical Romance stuff on it. She has no mention of her family or friends on the new page and has not included any pix of either of those things on her new page either. Oh well. I guess the lack of important priorities comes with the age. Atleast, I hope that is all it is. For the most part, Kate has been awesome. She is a huge help and her attitude has been really good around here. She adores her little bro and is sooo good with him. She does everything I ask of her and she even seems to be tolerating Maddie better than usual.
The last few days have been much better with Kit. But, when I got up this am, the dynamic had switched back to mildly uncomfortable and it seemed Kit had closed me off again. I get so exhausted trying to anticipate and keep up with his moods. When he is open and interested in speaking with me, things feel so much better around here. But then he clams up and I feel so reactive. I get sick inside. He has a habbit of closing off to me, when it's my fault and even when it's not. So, I have no way of telling if it's my fault or not. Either way it hurts and I'm so tired of it.
Just when I start to feel comfortable and secure.....................the bottom falls out. I texted him, but of course, he didn't respond. He manages to respond when he is in a good place. Otherwise, he doesn't hesitate to ignore me. It hurts my feelings and I am sick of my happiness being so dependent on whether Kit is in a good mood or not.
I try to encourage him to ride his bike. It makes him happy and a lot less stressed to be around. I try to help out and do my part around here. Especially lately, I've really been trying. I just feel so worn out, used up and old.
I want so badly to feel pretty, valuable and worth something to someone. The kids love me. That is awesome. But right now, I just want to go get a restaurant job. Kit has made it clear to me that KG is not an option for me. He says Pam wouldn't take me back. Guess he thinks I really am a rotten server. But whatever, I was a server and bartender way before MR. restaurant know-it-all was in my life and I managed quite well. Thank you very much. I think he just doesn't want me at KG for his own personal reasons. But whatever, I'll find a better job somewhere else. Maybe a bartending gig later at night. Somewhere where my personality can make money for me. Somewhere where I don't feel ugly and unimportant and failing all the time. Kit thinks I can't do anything. I guess I've given him plenty of reason to think that. But I'm ready to do well again for myself. I'll make money so that we can have some sort of quality of life. i will find a way to be a hero for my kids and help us to have breathing room. Someone in this family has to do it. I'd like for it to be me.
I look in the mirror when I put my make-up on (what little 4 yr old stuff I have left) and put on whatever decent clothes I can find (I have nothing that fits and isn't years old) but when I try, I am a slightly attractive woman. I have a good personality. For so long, I've thought I'm used up and ugly. I took pity on Kit for having to be married to me. Well, it seems, I feel better about myself when I go out around strangers and people think I'm interesting, fun, funny, smart and cute. I never feel those feelings at home. I feel ignored and when the good days come, I get so excited and happy. Maybe this time things will stay like this for a while. Ya know, where I can actually be myself with Kit. Let my guard down and be flirty and cute and have fun in my own family. But it seems, always, it's only a matter of time, until Kit returns to his closed off, emotionally gone self. It still hurts everytime. You'd think I'd be used to it by now.
I know I have problems. I'm really working on those. I continue to try to get better and be the best wife and mom I can be. It's never enough to keep Kit open to me emotionally for any extended time. I'll keep trying though.
But, I'm not just a wife and a mom. I'm not just a lupus patient. There is a me in here. Someone who wants and deserves a life outside of just being here to make it possible for Kit to follow his career path and his cycling dreams. I used to have dreams too. I used to have friends. I want those things again. I matter. I matter to myself and I just have to find myself again. It just seems that whatever I want for myself is not realistic because whatever Kit wants and needs comes first.
Except for anything related to my sickness. That Kit works around the best he can. I'm pretty sure he hates me for it. It's not exactly like when I"m crying by myself in bed due to the physical and emotional pain, he holds me in his arms. Hell, I'm lucky if he looks me in the eye during those times. I sit by myself and I feel isolated and alone. I've done that all along and it makes me angry. He says he's not mad at me. That he knows it's not my fault. Maybe his brain should communicate that with his body language. I feel like he thinks I'm good for nothing.
I'm going to get a job that pays well. I'm going to make enough money to catch up our bills and take the kids to Busch Gardens. I'm sick of sitting around this house all the time waiting on Kit. My life is flying by and I've waisted 10 years being sick and depressed. Kit's opinion isn't the only opinion out there.
I"m going to refocus on the Lord. Get straight with my faith. I'm going to spend more quality time with my kids. I've finally got the house on it's way to being clean and livable. I'm going to stop turning down opportunities to go hang out with friends and make that a priority too. Kit doesn't want to date me or spend time with me. OK, that doesn't have to mean my life stops. Maybe if I get the right job, I'll find a social outlet with that too.
My life isn't over yet and if I keep living the way I"m living, it's going to be over like that. With no good memories at all.
I got to catch up on some rest this afternoon while Kate watched her bro and sister. I didn't overdo my meds. I"ve been really careful not to do that this time and yet, I"m feeling like Kit is mad at me and probably assuming that I took to many meds today so I could sleep the day away. Which is actually completely out of the realm of truth this time.
I feel good mentally and I'm not depressed and I don't need to escape. I've had two good conversations with my mom in the past two days and I feel much better physically since I've adjusted my pain medications. I just need to moderate my physical exertion sometimes. After the housework yesterday, I needed to rest today. Why, do I feel like I have to plead my case for resting today???
Oh well, I'm just so tired of not knowing if I can snuggle up to Kit and be myself with him or if I need to give him space and have my defenses up. Sometimes, I just wish I was married to a man that loved me as much as I love him. That he saw good qualities in me. I don't think Kit sees any good in me anymore. He said out loud that he sees me as a whiner and complainer. I guess he's right to a certain extent. but there is so much more to me. I used to have talents. I loved to have fun. There is almost zero fun in my life. Ya don't have to spend money to have fun. But, we don't joke around together, play games as a family, do stupid fun stuff together. I wake up in a good mood and within 2 minutes of being around Kit, if he's not in a good mood, I let my mood be ruined. I know thats my fault. I need to get to where it doesn't affect me.
Everything is so routine. Even the inconsistant mood auras around here are routine. The push pull thing is routine. The sex is routine. I want to feel pretty, and sexy and I want to live life much, much fuller. I"m ready for some changes.
I'm not ready to throw in the towel on myself. I'm ready to get my body in shape, get my attitude in shape. I'm ready to balance my days better and moderate to work with my disease instead of against it. I'm ready to get a new job, meet new people and contribute to our family so that our life is more than sitting around the house, day in and day out while the kids watch T.V. and play on the PC. I want to go places and see things.

Weakness and pain

I'm struggling. Today I wish I could just walk away from everyone and everything that is "my life". I suck as a mother and a wife and most days I just wish I knew for sure what was on the other side. I miss my dad and I miss my dog (stupid I know, but true) and if I knew that dying would for sure mean some form of peace and not hell, I'd make it happen in a second. I've threatened and cried and still no one hears me. There is no help, no hope for me and my life. I just want it to be over. But I'm too much of a coward to even make that happen.
I've got to meet up with "the girls" for a night out tomorrow night for what is the fist time out in probably 3 yrs. for me without Kit. I don't even want to go. I want to go to sleep and never wake up. I'm exhausted no matter how much I sleep and I am in a huge amount of physical pain.
I don't want to be a mother anymore, I don't want to be married anymore. I want it all to end. Please God make it all go away. Let me close my eyes for the last time tonight. I can't take another day. Not one more day. Our money situation has been exhausted and my parents probably see me exactly as I am..............................a failure.
Such a waste. I just wish there was a way to make all this hopelessness and pain go away.
If I woke up tomorrow and Kit and the kids were gone (espescially that damn dog) I would be relieved. I hate myself and because of that, I hate everyone else too. What will continue to be so unbelievable to me is that I'm screaming inside and out and NOBODY notices!!! I guess I really am nothing. Well F--- you world!
See you in hell Dad, it's just a matter of when I get up the guts to make all this mess I call my life go away.

It's been a while.

It's been a while. .....
Things have been evolving. Into what, I'm not exactly sure yet, but I think things in general are getting better. After 12 days in the local hospital for a nasty bout with what the docs say was acute pancreatitis due to the steroids I take for my lupus I came home to recover while Kit made the transition from his former job to his new job. Big transition for him (and as it works out, me too) after running restaurants for 20 yrs. he now is in management training for our local (although they have hundreds of stores) grocery store chain. The benefits and opportunities for advancement are soooo much better than what we had before. They say they average 10 hr. work days and 5 day work weeks for the most part. I'm taking the "wait and see" approach but so far it seems to be pretty much what they say.
Kit seems to be making this transition seamlessly. That's my husband. He's smart, he works hard and he can adapt to almost anything. He doesn't look beaten down when he walks in the door from work. He says the job is a lot more managing and a lot less working positions which is good. He seems to like it. So, I'm.......................relieved and a little happy and optimistic. Although, I still have this knot in my stomach. Could be left over pancreatitis junk or the ulcers they found in my stomach with all the tests they put me through or it could be my almost constant level of anxiety. Could be just about anything.
Jackson turns 15 months today! Happy b-day little man! He is getting sooo big and he's definitely all boy! He is on a Daddy kick ever since I was in the hospital and misses him horribly during the day now that Da da is at work most of his awake time. He gets so ticked off so easily and he will walk right by me during one of his freak out sessions as if he would rather a big ole man eating t-rex was there to comfort him rather than me. I'm not bent about it though. I remember these ma-ma,da-da phases and how they change. I'm more thrown off by his change in daily schedule, now just one nap a lot later in the am, than I am about his seeming to want nothing to do with me.
Other breaking news, I'm meeting with one of the YMCA camp directors tomorrow to talk about me helping out with the kids drama camp. I was thrilled when she called and it seemed she was looking for me to take a big part of this project on. So, I'm not going to try to guess what I'm getting myself into yet. Whatever it is, it's going to be a positive thing in my and probably the kids summer and I'm determined to see this through. I find excuses to walk away and quit so much in life. Which has probably gotten me to this place in life.
I know I've written about changing in prior posts. I've pondered if it's worth it to try. I've decided it's worth it. My biological father said that people are supposed to change as they get older. He meant it to be a positive thing and his point was to continue to learn and grow as we get closer to the inevitable. Funny, I don't think he really believed or got that concept. Atleast, not in regards to me and from the last time I saw him 6 yrs. prior to his dying, not in regards to himself. Although, I will continue to pray that someday I'll get to see him and make peace with him. Not in the hot place either.
Rediculous that I can't seem to shake the continual daughter just wanting her dad's approval or atleast his love. Sigh, that demon continues to haunt me in more ways than I can verbalize.
Kate comes for the summer in a month and I can't wait to have her here. I still have to put "her room" together. This is the first time she won't be forced to share a room with Maddie. I know she is looking forward to this. Maddie really gets under her skin. Could be because Maddie is a 8 yr old little "part-time" sister who won't leave her alone. Maddie on the other hand probably is gonna miss having Kate on that top bunk in their room.
Now, that Melissa has moved on, we have an extra room for Kate to be on her own. Besides, it's time. Speaking of Melissa, Keeper's remains vacant and closed and as far as I know, still owned by Rufus and Roxi Pritchard. I think I'm finally almost over my job there ending the way it did. I hope to keep in contact with those from Keeper's that got close to our family ( ie: Lindy, Stacey, Melissa...........etc). For a while there I was feeling like I had lost the only thing I did worth anything. I guess, because I equated my value directly to the paycheck and my positive affect on the employees and the guests who walked into that place. I'm realizing now that maybe I have some worth here at home with the kids. Just because some days are rougher than others with my health doesn't make me a bad mom. I've told myself multiple times a minute in my head for a really long time that I have no worth and I'm a bad mother. I'm trying really hard to fight those and the rest of the negative self-talk (both in my head as well as outloud). A lot if not most of it is crap that becomes a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. Ya hear something enough even if it's from yourself, you start to believe it. I love my kids. They need me. I love my husband and all of us together make a family. It isn't perfect. But, as I get older I see that the truth is nobody has that "perfect" life. It may look that way. God knows, I try to convey that I'm really ok to the world. I want everyone to think I've got it all together. I don't know why. I think I may be ok right now. I need work. But hey, who doesn't. Point is, I'm working on it. Everyday is another step. Sometimes I screw up. Sometimes I don't. But, I'll keep trying.
Lupus is not what I am. It's something I have. It's not an excuse for me to give up on people and life in general. It's not ok for me to tell myself my family and friends are better off without me. My family loves me and like my mom told me before I was admitted to the hospital, whatever I can give them of myself is good enough. Yes, my mom said something positive to me. Sometimes, I stay in bed when I don't really need to. I'm trying to stop that. I'm trying everyday to give whatever I can give to the kids and Kit. I'm still running with only some of my engines, but I think running at all is better than avoiding. I may still need to catch a nap here and there or sleep in if I get the chance. But that doesn't have to mean an "all day, Mom's down for the count event".
Well, Jackson is up from his nap and my time is up. Gotta run. Good to be back. Thanks gang (Kit and little ones) for not giving up on me yet.

Close to crazy!

I should be sleeping. Already took my meds and all. I feel sick inside. Man, I am so far from the person I mistakingly thought I was. It's shocking really. You know, you think "I'm and OK person". Could always be better, but yet still a decent person.
Tonight I re-realized that I am a crappy excuse for a mother to my oldest daughter Kate. I can't seem to put the junk behind me and get moving forward. She is 12 and I am to her...................as Kit says "part-time". I am her mother. I will always be her mother. But just having that title means pretty much nothing if you don't behave like a mom should.
I love Kate. I love my kids all the same. But when Kate goes back to Pittsburgh with her dad, It's like I shut down that part of myself. Sure there are the occasional phone calls and e-mails. But I really feel like I am a big, not much in her life. It breaks my heart. It hurts even more to know that I created that situation completely on my own.
Is is too late to turn things around there? Just like my last blog, you get to where you wonder if you should even try changing. Or are you destined to be whatever it is you've become. What if you hate who and what you've become?
My depression just seems to be worsening. I believe I need a doctor. A real one, that can not only do "talk therapy" but also do meds too. There must be something chemically wrong with me to be the way I am.
Tonight and lately, I've been feeling a sense of urgency to start the wheels of change actually rolling in the correct direction. I'm not sure exactly how I'll go about that. I just know I can't keep on keepin on like this. I'm close to crazy. Or maybe I'm already there.

changing who you are today so you can be that person you had dreamed of growingup into.

Thee seems to have come a time in life, well, atleast in my life, where I've reached that number in age where I thought I'd have it all figured out.I'd really have it together...somehow. I overlooked the fact that in order to be in that place in life, I would have actually done some work, taken some classes or something.Anyhow, just prepare for getting to that place. But like all I do, no preparing was done. I just waited around till I ended up where I am now. Which is realizing I have a lot of work to do on myself to someday get to where I've got it together. I'm clinging to the hope that it is not TOO late for me to turn this ship around. I can not end up the very person I was so sure I would never be. Coincidently, the same person I seem to be at this point
So, I've been asking myself some pretty seriously deep questioins. It really troubles me that I don't have the answers to many of the questions. If I tell the truth on every question I really have to face the fact that I am catastophically flawed.
I want to live with the priorities of the person I want to be with the valuale priorities.
I look at Kit tonight and I could just cry. Instead of building him up, I'm completely breaking him down. He has reverted back to avoiding eye contact with me and of course casual or any other form of touching and connecting is not in the mix right now.
He is literally doing everything he can to keep things together for our family while we deal with my (our, really) lupus. He is tactically doing everything possible to keep the house and our little "Team Trotter". He looks so miserable to me. I wish we could just talk whatever he is feeling out between us but our dynamic right now is difficult to say the least.
I love you baby! I've made you my whipping post lately, and it needs to stop right now. You and the kids are my world. We are going to make it through this latest flare. I have to believe that we can and we will find a comfortable, productive, loving way to work through all the crap together.
The person I want to be would be trying harder to lighten his load. I would be happier, I would try totake the time to look decent. I'm been letting myself go lately and that is just wrong
I'm getting sleepy and my thoughts are starting to loose focus. So,I'm going to have tocome back to this post and content later.

AARRGGHH! OK, not gonna be positive. Not right now. Pain level is through the roof. I am sick to death of insurance companies, medications, doctors, tests etc............................I finally have a wonderful pain management doc here and guess what, my inner voice is telling me we are looking at yet another move. Probably in the next 6 months or less. I'm so sick and tired of starting over. Kit's job situation is a dead end. I do not understand why we fucking came to the Outer Banks in the first place. I had hoped for a relationship with my parents. I had hoped they would want to get to know their grandchildren and play a role in their lives. Boy, was I wrong!! Wrong with a capital W!
I have asked my parents to watch Maddie for us twice in the past 3 years. Both times were for the work Christmas party. When Maddie goes to my parents house, she is put in front of the living room T.V. and told to watch DVD's until we would come to get her. Actually, that is what Maddie is supposed to do on the rare occasions that we go over to their home.
My mother sits in the kitchen in front of her t.v on the counter, blaring, cigarette dangling from her one hand and a scotch on the rocks in the other hand. She makes no attempts at having a conversation with Maddie. She treats her like she treated me growing up..............like I was invisible.
Katy gets a little more attention from "Gran". Only because now Katy is "old enough that she can carry on a worthwhile conversation with her".
Baby Jackson. I kept the pregnancy with Jack a secret from my parents as long as possible. I was terrified to tell my parents. I knew they would treat me as if I had committed a felony and I should be punished, rediculed and made to feel as if I was the stupidest person on the planet. How dare I bring another "brat"into this world.
My mother treats my step-sister the same way in regards to our children. Erin, my step-sister had her third baby this past Friday! According to my mother her first comment to Erin over the phone upon hearing that the baby had arrived was "So, how long until you plan on doing this shit again to try to give Jim (my step-brother-in-law) his boy?". Un freaking believable.
Bitter, bitter, bitch. I am so angry! I am fighting back tears as I type this. I can not stand that this woman is my mother. I can not stand how I LET her affect me. I made this stupid decision after being "disowned" by my father, that no matter what, my mother is my mother, and I will not walk away from her. But, she is ruining, no I take that back, I am LETTING her ruin me. My health is suffering. I feel like total shit after most of our conversations.
She manipulates everyone around her. I can not believe my dad (step-dad) has stayed with her for 30 yrs. He is codependent, just trying to survive her wrath.
My therapist made the point that not allowing my mother in my life anymore , or God forbid when she dies, it would really be no different than it is now. I, for all intents and purposes, do not have a mother now. So, the only thing I would be morning is the mother I had always wanted and needed but was never given.
I am freaking out. I am fighting the urge to take off. To just move as fast as possible away from here. Away from her. I'm angry that I came here at all. I'm angry that I allowed myself to hope to find a mother who loved me and valued me.
My father disowned me. My mother hates me. I must be a real wonderful contribution to this world.
But, I WILL find a way to not be like her. I LOVE my children. I can not let my emotional baggage, and weaknesses be an excuse to be a rotten, bitter, angry, self-absorbed parent and partner for Kit. My children and my husband see something worthwhile in me. I have to hold onto that. I HAVE to.
I am so close to an emotional breakdown. But, I will NOT give into the emotional weaknesses. I will get help! I will use a productive outlet. But right now, I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to drive over to my mother's house and tell her what a rotten parent and person she is. I want to tell her that I'm done taking responsibility for her rotten defective parenting.
Guess what mom! I am not the reason you drink. If you didn't have me, you would've found another excuse. Besides, Dad told me you started drinking way before I even was born. You drank and smoked throughout your pregnancy with me. You told me you never wanted me! Dad may have been a lot of rotten things, but he wasn't a liar. YOU are the liar. I do not have to pretend I believe your lies anymore. I'm not crazy. The things I think happened in our home when I was growing up were NOT my imagination. I will no longer put myself down to you to try to get your approval.
I was a child. I was YOUR child! I was the only Child you had! You abandoned me emotionally. You ignored me. You could never hug me or hold me when I was just a little girl. I held you when you were too drunk to hold your head up over the toilet. I was the one who called the police when you took all those pills and drank all that scotch and I was so afraid that you were dead. Lying there on the floor in your underwear. Dad had left me with you. He knew how sick you were and when he walked out, he left me there with you to take care of you. I loved you Mom. I wanted to help you. I wanted to be enough for you to be ok. I wanted to be worth enough to you for you to be strong. But you never were. Never.
I could end up like you mom. but i won't. I won't. You know why? Because I love my children, my husband, my friends, more than I myself. I know how to love. I don't ever want my children to ever feel for one single second the way I feel as your daughter for my entire life.
You will die someday. I need to find a way to deal with the reality of understanding that no matter how much I try to love you, it will never be enough for you to embrace that love. Your too comfortable in your misery. You will die and I will grieve. I will probably never get to have things be the way I've wished they'd be between us for so long. I didn't want much. I just wanted you to be proud of me. I wanted you to respect me. I wanted you to let me in and let me love you.
Just like when dad died, I'll never have things straight. It's hard to know that even now, while you are still alive, the outcome will more than likely be the same.
As I held my 6 month old son(at the time) in my lap while I puked in the toilet after my chemo treatments this past summer I remember thinking this is all wrong. I would drive myself to and from my treatments alone so the kids wouldn't have to see me go through those. Kit would stay with the kids. Kit could only take a day or 2 off work so then I was left puking, exhausted, just all out horribly sick to care for three kids alone. Not once did my mother or my father offer any sort of help. I'm not playing a victim here. I'm just realizing what a horrendous excuse for a mother I actually have.
When i had a near fatal accident in July of 2002 and ended up in critical condition on a ventilator, my parents didn't even try to come to Texas to see me. Yet she can drive her ass to Atlantic City to the casinos every month. She did tell me if I had died, she would've shown up for the funeral. I guess that would've been important to make it look to other people at my funeral like she gave a damn. But no, she left Kit to deal with the two girls, me in ICU and thank God for Kit's family.
I have lots of reasons to be pissed off! How can a mother treat her child this way???? I'm not sure where to go from here. I just know I HAVE to get this anger out in a constructive way because I'm gonna loose it. I literally feel the urge to break something, to put a hole in the wall, to destroy something. But, I won't. Not today. Tonight I will get a good night sleep and tomorrow I will feel better. Somehow I'll figure it all out. But for right now, I'm furious! How dae my parents throw me away the way they have. Or worse, keep me around to wallow in their misery. I didn't ask for them to have me. I didn't pick them out as parents.

New Year, New Route!!!

Happy New Year!!! Blah, blah..............OK, right now I'm mentally seeing two ways I can go with this post. My instincts are pushing me towards the negative, ranting, raving, everything sucks, just another year and everything is no better in my life, in fact, it's worse..............................road. Here is where I make the purposeful decision to push that instinct away and uncomfortably forge ahead towards the positive. Man, taking this road feels sort of like trying to steer a car with no power steering. Not easy. Very uncomfortable. But Kit (my guru) likes to say "You keep doing what your doing, you'll keep getting what your getting." I'm worn out on getting what I'm getting.

So, here I am driving down a different road. I'll figure out a name for this road later. Lets see what it looks like from the drivers seat this morning. Through the window I see that it's 9am and I'm showered, dressed, make-up on. Don't see that on a usual ride down negative street.
I also see that I actually cooked breakfast for baby Jackson myself. Scrambled eggs with cheese. He loves that. I've got a load of laundry going in the washer, and the dishes are done.

I"m still struggling with the conversation I had over the phone with my mother. But writing about that would definitely put me back down negative street. So, I'm going to give it all I've got to not dwell on that and the other negative thoughts that have me on the verge of tears. I'm going to come up with some positive things to replace the negative thoughts.

Things to focus on today:
1: My children and my husband are healthy.
2: My husband and myself still have our jobs.
3: We ARE going to Disney World in 27 days.
4: We had a wonderful Christmas day here with the kids.
5: We have a nice house to live in.
6: For today the cable is still on.
7: I have the bestest best friend a gal could ask for. Love u Steph.
8: I am having a relatively low pain day.
9: We have cars in good condition to get around in.
10: We do not have a car payment.
11: We believe in God and are trying to get back on track with him.
12: We have a YMCA membership and therefor I have an outlet for my stress that I will use.
13: My husband loves me.
14: My husband is a wonderful father.
15: My husband is my best friend and is a total team player.
16: I can make today a great day just by the thoughts and attitude I CHOOSE to have!
17: I am no longer a victim.

Thats a pretty good start. Guess I better get going on it.