Tough day.

Today has gotten worse. Kit and I had a good week. I actually was pushed (practically) out the door on both Kit's day's off to go do "family stuff". Once I got out, I felt human. Like the old Chris. It's just getting out that is the hard part.
I'm always afraid I'm going to embarrass myself by saying something stupid or Lord forbid, having a seizure in front of someone.
I felt embarrassed that the night the paramedics took me out of my home into the ambulance, I looked over and saw Pastor Andy and Steve standing there. I hate for people to see me like that.
So, anyway, my pain is about an 11 on a 1-10 and I'm exhausted. Just a way of life for me. Unfortunately, I feel like I'm not handling my disease and all that goes with it very poorly.
I feel beyond depressed. I feel almost hopeless and worst of all, I've lost faith.
I'm left all day with the kids while Kit has to go to work and I used to be able to handle all that no problem. But since the seizures (which have stopped) since a new medication, I think my brain has suffered some serious problems.
I don't want to be a mom right now. I don't want to be a wife right now. I feel worthless and I don't know how much more I can take.
I've made an appt. with a therapist I used to see, for this Wednesday and hopefully she can start a course of direction for me. Because I just can not live like this.
My only identity is as a mom and wife. I used to be such a great actress, dancer and I was told I was the best motivational/acting workshop leader that our old Pastor had ever seen. But those days are gone and now my only responsibility is to take care of the kids and be a "wife". I have nothing in my life that is for me and I'm way beyond resenting that fact. It just is the way it is.
Oh well, things can only get better.
I'll hang in the best I can

selfish

I've taken the time today to catch up on Nate and Trisha's blog and Pastor Rick's too. Even though Trisha is on a ventilator and sedated, Nate is doing an amazing job of communicating with whoever hits his blog. Baby Gweneth ( I hope I spelled that right)Rose was taken by C-sect. a couple days ago and is the nurses say she is doing amazingly well, considering she wasn't quite 25 weeks yet. She is a miracle baby and seeing how strong Nate's faith is in his communication by blog strikes another negative chord in me.
I can't find anything (not one single thing) that I feel good about myself for. I'm consumed by my disease and pushing everyone I love away. I'm sick of being sick and tired and when lupus came into my life,. it changed me. I had hoped at different points that the changes would be for the better. But today, and for months and maybe longer, I've had to come to this place that I am at now.
I'm a selfish, taker who most of the time only thinks about myself. I have no motivation to live at this point. I truly believe my kids, husband and anyone else who thinks they care about me would be better off without the draining I cause in their lives. I guess the good thing is, I'm afraid to die. Ironic. Afraid to live, afraid to die. Bit of a problem there.
I read Nate's blog and it makes me hate myself even more, if possible. How can someone have that kind of faith in a time like the one he is going through?? Why can't I find that faith. Why have I just gotten more bitter and angry and hateful? I hate what I've become. I know I'm in a deep, deep depression. I feel like I'm falling down a bottomless dark hole and nothing can save me.
I literally go to sleep and pray that I won't wake up. There must be some mistake. I have not purpose here. God must've overestimated me. I'm exhausted and in pain and I don't want to do this for one single more day.

I can not take much more. I woke up this morning with kit making me a deal he would call me at 6:30 am so I could get up maddie and get her off to school. It's unusual that all is quiet at 6am here in the ams. But today it was and I was exhuasted and in much need of another half hr. of sleep. Kit forgot to call me to wake me till 7 am. Maddie's bus comes at 7 :15 am. I ran down stairs to get up Maddie and rush her off to school when I discovered shad a 102 degree temp. So, again she is sick and has to stay home from school. Maddie is usually very healthy and never misses school but she's missing lots this year and she is struggling so much with her 3rd grade curriculum. I'm afraid she'll get held back and I am failing her too. UGh.
Within realizing Maddie had a temp, it was within moments that she vomited and at the same time as all this, the dog is screaching and barking. I've had it with that dog and I would pay someone to take him away and give him a good home. I can't keep up with my kids, my disease, my husband, my home my life.....etc....... I am overwhelmed and exhausted everyday. I can not take much more of this.
While I juggled my vomiting daughter, screaching dog, and 22 month old son covered in oif pee and poop from his over night diaper, I find myself on the floor and within seconds I am in the midst of a seizure. I am failing everyone I love and I can't take it much longer. I need help. I would cry happy tears if I could just have a litttle help somewhere here.
I feel like I have NO one to call and ask for help. My kids are paying the price for that and I am left on a daily basis with the fear of seizing, and choking on my own vomit and dying in front of my children on my kitchen floor. I'm too tired to think straight and in to much pain to put on an act.
I know this week I have to put on a good act . Kit's got to get this job . I have to keep my mouth shut. I'm still furious with the way he blew me off yesterday and the day before (my only rest days) and I can't \help but equate that with how not seriously he takes my disease and the importance of what both I tell him and the doctors tell him about me needing to rest. He just expects me to not only keep going, till I end up in the er, plus I';m supposed to shower, make up and make myself look nice for him too. You know what I feel like saying to that???????? I can barely get out of bed and he is upset that I'm not attractive enough for him.
well, I tried last night making myself more "attractive" for his sake and tried to connect with him on a physical level. WSell, I hope he got what he wanted. I am in pain and even more exhausted than I was before. I just want to be loved and this conditional stuff is bull shit. I'm over it.
I'm not well enough to leave. But, I feel unloved and unwanted and I have not idea how I"m safely going to get through the day with the children. But, hell, thats my problem. I just want to die, I can't even take care of my kids safely. I'm in horrible pain, exhuastion and I just would've been so much better off if i had had atleast one of the two days promised me to rest. I just don't matter, not a priority. Obviously, otherwise, things would've gone differently.
I think that the continued taken for granted Kit does with me is causing me to fall out of love with him. How can you love someone who even though he knows you can seize at any point with your kids and basically die in front of them, it'a hard to love someone who ignores you and promises you things he knows aren't deliverable.
I must return to my sick kids and try to remain conscious, I am scared and unsure of how this day will work out. I'm tired of having to deal with the kids and my disease and all the home stuff alone. be it would be best if I died today. I can't feel any emore.motions that are making me want to fight anymre. I'm nothing. I'm left to figure it out myelf and I'm tired of failing as a mother and a wife.
Please, Lord, let it stop somehow. Let there be an answer I haven't thought of yet. Please help[ me somehow.