Thankful.

Today is the last day of November. As I write this I can feel the warm breeze through my open window. It's sunny and in the 70's. Not your usual November weather. I'm not complaining. I'm digging it.
Our baby boy's first Thanksgiving found me thankful for my daughter, Madison's wonderful behavior at my parent's house for dinner. It also found me thankful that my mother is becoming more hard of hearing and was only slightly able to hear her grandson (our beloved little Jackson) screaming his head off throughout the evening. Anyone passing by their home on that night may have wondered if we were in fact fixing to have a small child for our holiday dinner instead of the large poultry product we were actually partaking of.
With the usual holiday stressful stories aside, let me take a moment to say what I am truly thankful for this 06 year.
I am thankful for my amazing husband. Kit continues to believe in me. Many times, I've lost sight of the good parts of myself. Especially as of late. I'm lucky enough to be married to a man who is a source of light in those dark times. He is behind me always, with his constant unconditional love, support and what can sometimes feel like irritating pushing. Those pushes help me find the me he sees. He gets me back on track and occasionally onto a brand new track. He never gives up on me and he never lets me give up on myself. I am thankful to be married to my rock, my friend and the man who inspires me to be the wife I know he deserves and the person I hope to be. I'm not there yet, but I'm working on it.
I am thankful for my children. Kate is growing up so fast. I can feel the "tween" hormonal surges in her words these days. I am afraid of the teen years with all my children. But, for right now I am grateful that she still talks to me. I am thankful that she shares her stories and funny happenings with me. I am thankful for the person she is and the young lady she is becoming. She still laughs at most of my stupid jokes. Although, I can't imagine that will continue much longer.
I am thankful for Maddie's constant sense of humor. She is a silly, smart, curious little 8 yr. old. She keeps me giggling and makes everyone in the house full of laughter. I am also thankful for her sweet, caring attitude towards others.
Baby Jackson is our littlest gift. He wasn't planned. There were lots of things with my health that had us concerned about my pregnancy with this little one. Somehow, he showed up healthy and chubby. I adore our baby boy. Just between God, me and the gazillion or so other unknowns that may pass by this blog.......................Jackson is exactly what I have always prayed for. Thank you Lord for our beautiful, sweet boy. Our family is now complete.
I could go on and on with things I'm thankful for but perhaps I'll stop here. These four people are my life. I am thankful that God has put them in my life.

Great things are happening to day!

Good things are happening today! I woke up to my husband getting my 8 yr old ready for the school bus and entertaining my 9 mth old (who he got up at the crack of dawn, so I could sleep). The first thing I do when I awake is take an physical inventory. Sounds weird, I know. But, that is what I do. With my lupus, I usually have discomfort on some level. So, when I get out of bed I can tell a lot by my walk to the kitchen what sort of day it's going to be........physically. Today is a low pain day. Today is also my hubby's day off from work. I shower and dress and manage to get myself and our 9 mth old ready to go out to breakfast with my husband. The incredible part is that we did this by 8:30 am. WOO-HOO!! Good things are happening today!
We try out a new breakfast place. It's got a great vibe, great food, great service!! Our baby (who is woken up from a power nap in the car riding to the restaurant) couldn't be happier in this busy, loud and bustling restaurant. This in itself is a great, great thing! He entertains himself flirting with the little girl at the table behind us and mastering his "pincher" skill. Which to anyone who doesn't have any children wouldn't know (and probably would not care) is their ability to pick up little pieces of food and actually get them to their mouthes. Our baby LOVES pancakes!! Hubby and I take turns feeding the baby bites of pancakes and scrambled eggs from our plates. Watching my son eat pancakes is in itself a delight. Which each bite, his eyes literally light up and his eyebrows raise way up high on his face and every bit of his little body......smiles! It's a beautiful thing and it's happening today!
After a wonderful breakfast, baby falls asleep in the his car seat and hubby and I decide to take a drive up the beach. Tourist season is pretty much over here on the banks. It's relatively quiet, except for the left over marathoners that were in town for yesterdays OBX marathon. We drive as far north on rt 12 as you can go. All the way up through Corolla, passing the Currituck lighthouse. This is another great thing happening today.
When we get home from our little car ride, the baby is up and ready to play. My husband heads out to brave the busterlous (I hear that is really a word, but I'm not sure) elements on this November day on the coast of North Carolina on his bike. My husband's bike is his therapy, his true love. It makes him happy and I love that he has something that gives him that peace and happiness. I think he thinks I resent his time out on the bike. Truth is, I don't. He does so much for me and the children. He gives and gives. It's hell being married to me. No joke. So, I am thankful he has that bike (those bikes)in his life. For him it's a wonderful thing. Riding will help him be healthier and hopefully live longer. I love him and I love how being on the bike affects his sense of well being. Him getting a chance to ride is another great thing happening today.
I'm struggling to live in the moment, I'm struggling to think positively. I feel uncomfortable when nothing bad or dysfunctional is happening. But I have lots of positive things to focus on that are happening today. I am grateful for my husband and my children and our life. I am grateful that I have a chance to figure out how to get my head healthier and enjoy happiness. I have so much to be happy for. I am grateful for today and the great things that are happening!

One of those days.

Today is one of those days. I really don't know what exactly is wrong with me. I only know for sure that something certainly is. Some days I do ok at pushing through my physical fatigue and pain. Some days I do not. Today is one of those days.
I get so angry with myself. Why can't I be ok most days? I tell myself to try harder. Do better. I tell myself how it's so unfair to my children and my husband to deal with me struggling. When I can't push through the affects of my chronic disease and the depression that sometimes in itself is more overwhelming than the actual lupus, they are left in essence without a wife and mother. Or even worse, they are left with a tangible person who is here but is unable to be the wife and mother they deserve and need.
Is it so unreasonable that I would wonder if their life would be so much happier and enjoyable if they didn't have to deal with me and my lupus? It probably makes me selfish to think thoughts like these. But today, is one of those days, when I have these thoughts.
I love my children and husband so much. I however, have for a very long time thought that someday, somehow, my lupus would go into a real remission and I could be the me I sometimes pretend in my head, I am. The me who is happy, healthy, strong, funny, basically,...the wife and mother my family deserves.
I hear things come out of my mouth that I hate myself for saying. Things like "I'm too tired", "I need some down time", and my husband's personal favorite..."I can't". Where the hell is the line between accepting your physical limitations and being a whining baby? I can't seem to find the damn line.
I play that lupus will go away mind game a lot. Maybe it's my way of tricking myself so that I don't completely give up on myself. But then what happens is this. I feel better for a little while and I go gangbusters. Trying to "make up" for when I was sick. I clean everything I can clean, I try to be funny and just all out super mom. Then, here comes the predictable part folks, I crash into a wall. Usually figuratively, although sometimes literally too. When this happens it's like I'm facing my diagnosis and my limitations all over again. Instead of accepting it and rolling with it.
How do people do that? How do people with a chronic disease like me stand themselves? I keep trying to figure this out. I know I'm derpressed. I know I have huge issues. I feel like a hamster on a freaking treamill. Atleast hamsters have shorter life expectancies. I love my family. I want to be someone who contributes to their life. All I can see that I am right now is a hinderance. If your either contaminating or contributing a relationship.......................guess I know where I'm at with this.
Some days I have a better attitude. It usually corresponds with my physical condition on that given day. When I can be productive and "contribute" I feel happier. Today is not one of "those days". Today I hate myself.

Missing Kate.

I get to talk to her most days. Not nearly as much as I'd like to talk to her. Or even better, hug her. Today, like many or most or actually, every day, I'm missing Kate.
Katy is my eleven yr. old (going on 22 yr old) daughter. She spends her school year with her dad in Pittsburgh, Pa. She is with us during summer break, Christmas break and Easter break. It's not enough. But it's our reality.
Most people seem to think that when parents divorce, the children go with the mother. My child didn't. I could try to explain this. But really it just came down to me believing that at that point my daughter, my Kate, was better off with her dad. In the house she had been in since we brought her home from the hospital as a newborn. The house that I walked away from. I wasn't proud of the way or the reasons I left that life and that house. I wasn't proud of myself. Hell, I hated myself for the way I was then. I think I hated myself so much that I made myself think I didn't deserve the loving husband and family I had at that point in my life. I sabotaged everything. Tricked myself into thinking that everyone I loved would be better off without me and I set out to start over with a new life. I hurt a lot of people I loved dearly.
I atlelast stayed in the immediate area for another yr. and would see Kate for half the week every week. But then after remarrying, I had to relocate to a place on the other end of the country and just knew that would be rediculously difficult on my daughter and destroy my ex-husband. I had done enough to him and could not bring myself to hurt him anymore. So, off I went. Leaving where Kate was was not my first mistake or my last mistake. But it was one of the biggest mistakes in my life.
That was 10 yrs ago. Seems like forever. A lot has changed since then. I feel like I have no right to really complain about how much I miss her when we are apart. I made my bed, I get to sleep in it now. But I love my daughter and I will always love my daughter. I just miss her so much.
She plays ice hockey now. She loves it! I wish like heck I could be at her games to cheer her on.
She just lost her grandmother two weeks ago to cancer. She was so very close to her grandmother. A woman I considered my "mom"at one time. I couldn't be there to hold Kate and tell her in person how much I love her and how sorry I was for how much she was hurting.
That is what a mother is supposed to do. I'm failing.
Kate is a beautiful, intelligent, funny, loving young lady. I know that she has become and will continue to grow this way due to the influence of her father and his family. Espescially the loving influence up until now of her now deceased grandmother.
I will continue to try to keep as close to her through e-mails, phone calls, visits and our time together. It's not the same as getting to "raise her". But I abandoned that priveledge.
I'm lucky to have Kate as my daughter. I love her. I hope one day she will be able to serparate my mistakes in the past from my deep,unconditional love for her and know that everyday that we were apart, I was ........................................missing her.
I love you Katy.