Weakness and pain

I'm struggling. Today I wish I could just walk away from everyone and everything that is "my life". I suck as a mother and a wife and most days I just wish I knew for sure what was on the other side. I miss my dad and I miss my dog (stupid I know, but true) and if I knew that dying would for sure mean some form of peace and not hell, I'd make it happen in a second. I've threatened and cried and still no one hears me. There is no help, no hope for me and my life. I just want it to be over. But I'm too much of a coward to even make that happen.
I've got to meet up with "the girls" for a night out tomorrow night for what is the fist time out in probably 3 yrs. for me without Kit. I don't even want to go. I want to go to sleep and never wake up. I'm exhausted no matter how much I sleep and I am in a huge amount of physical pain.
I don't want to be a mother anymore, I don't want to be married anymore. I want it all to end. Please God make it all go away. Let me close my eyes for the last time tonight. I can't take another day. Not one more day. Our money situation has been exhausted and my parents probably see me exactly as I am..............................a failure.
Such a waste. I just wish there was a way to make all this hopelessness and pain go away.
If I woke up tomorrow and Kit and the kids were gone (espescially that damn dog) I would be relieved. I hate myself and because of that, I hate everyone else too. What will continue to be so unbelievable to me is that I'm screaming inside and out and NOBODY notices!!! I guess I really am nothing. Well F--- you world!
See you in hell Dad, it's just a matter of when I get up the guts to make all this mess I call my life go away.